Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Kelly Clarkson's man is a 'Mr. Know It All'

We heart Kelly pretty hard around these parts.  Not like, hand-clapping, jumping-up-and-down-like-she's-Kylie hard, but QUITE HARD ENOUGH, thank you very much.  So it is with much excitement that we awaited the unveiling of her brand new single 'Mr. Know It All' yesterday.  Would it be poppy 'Since You Been Gone' Kelly?  Would it be ANGRY SHOUTY 'My December' Kelly?  Or would it be .....well those are really the only two.

And at the end of the day it's kind of neither.  'Know' is like a harder version of an above-average Natasha Bedingfield song.  Which is not to say it's bad in the least.  We just prefer our Kelly with a bit more of a 'My Life Would Suck' edge.  Especially for a lead single, since the whole point of one is to recapture everyone's attention.  And we're just not sure this is the song that will do that. 

What the song does do, however, is tease a slightly more grown-up sounding Kelly.  Which is VERY EXCITING.  We always felt like deep down inside her (underneath the chili fries) there was a hell of an artist, beyond the slick production of her biggest hits.  An artist with more subtlety and depth than we've seen, all propped up by THAT VOICE. 

Judging by 'Mr. Know It All' we might just get a little bit of that Kelly on the new record.  And maybe that's why they went ahead with this track.  It's an enticing teaser of what glorious music might just be to come. 

Which is all very good and we're super looking forward to hearing it, but when the album comes out there better be one power ballad AT LEAST as good as 'Because of You' and two 'Since You've Been Gone' corkers with remix EPs.  Also there needs to be one crap song that seems to get less and less crap as time goes on until eventually the "true fans" all look at it as a hidden gem and demand that Kelly sing it on tour, even though in actuality it is crap.  So GET ON THAT, KELLY.

Or we'll take the chili fries. 

Monday, August 29, 2011

Last night the VMAs happened and so did a new Rihanna/Nicki Minaj video

Tranny realness.
Okay.  So if you didn't watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night, you missed...well, you missed some things.  As Adam Levine famously Tweeted the other day, it's the one day of the year that MTV pretends to still care about music, and as such it comes across as pretty disingenuous at the best of times, but it's still the most interesting awards show in America that isn't about porn.

It was a jam-packed evening, during which Gaga officially became lame and insufferable, Britney got what was coming to her (The Video Vanguard Award), and Beyonce WURQ-ed her preggo ass off.  And also, for no reason, the new Nicki Minaj/Rihanna video debuted.

And it's weird, people.  Like, 80's Mad Max weird, with Nicki just bitch-stomping around looking kind of like Aretha Franklin until Rihanna wanders aimlessly into frame looking confused.  Oh and they're standing in the middle of a plane crash.  Because the song is named 'Fly.' 

So already we know the whole thing is a bit batsh*t crazy, but whatever, it's Nicki and Rihanna so that's kind of par for the course, and when the chips are down the song is one of Nicki's best so far.  So if you can get over the inherently uncomfortable image of two women writhing their poons around sexually on an empty smoldering swingset at the epicenter of a horrifying disaster, then it's all-in-all NOT TOO BAD.

Plus Nicki has leopard hair.  So there's that.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

FREE DOWNLOAD: Ronika's new 80's freestyle-ish jam 'In The City' is VERY GOOD

Werk at the wash-n-fold
There is a new thing called a Ronika.  It is a band that consists of one girl and also, presumably, some computers and instruments and things, but mostly just the girl.  Who is named Ronika.

The interesting thing about Ronika is that she is VERY GOOD and also that she is a lot like Madonna back when she was amazing.  Her songs have an 80's/90's tinge, and there's a definite vocal similarity.  In fact, she kind of comes off like a really good Madonna impersonator who everyone goes to see and thinks "she should totally do songs."  And then she did.

There are a slew of ways Roni is similar to Ms. M - vocal style, musical style, and the fact that the gays will probably enjoy her very much.  She is also different than Madonna, but mostly in good ways.  Let's compare and contrast, shall we?

1.  Ronika can sing.  Madonna can shout in tune or coo slightly off tune.  ADVANTAGE RONIKA
2.  Ronika is a British person.  Madonna would like to be a British person but is not.  ADVANTAGE RONIKA.
3.  Ronika has one name but it is a bit crap.  Madonna also has one name and it is amazing.   ADVANTAGE MADONNA
4.  Ronika is young.  Madonna would like to be young but is not.  ADVANTAGE RONIKA x1000

So at this point we can probably all agree that things are looking pretty dire for Madge-Mantis in the EPIC DIVA SHOWDOWN ring.  But there is one thing that Ronika can't counter and that is that Madonna is Madonna and being Madonna beats everything including being the president or Jesus.  So...

5. M A D O N N A star-asterisk-italics-bold-underline THE END

All in all, though, Madonna's trump card does nothing to take away from the fact that Ronika is AMAZING and that her new song is Fantastic with a capital F.  So enjoy 'In The City' and get a free download of it HERE.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

FREE DOWNLOAD: Britney's new single (?) 'Seal It With A Kiss' gets a BANGIN REMIX

...because a lady should never be seen without lipstick.
So Brit's been doing pretty well, eh?  The first 3 tracks from LP 'Femme Fatale' have gone top 10 in the US - something she has never achieved before - and her personal life has been pretty calm in comparison to her storied past.  She's on a world tour with sellouts all over the place, and gets groped by hot dancers every night.  Also she's not fat anymore.  Not that we care about that sort of thing, but it should be noted. 


Understandably, Brit-Brit and her people want to keep the good times rolling, so they've begun gearing up for a fourth possible single from the album, by commissioning some remixes.  Some F*CKING BRILLIANT REMIXES.  Like this one.

It is a version of 'Seal It With A Kiss' and it's by something called a Peter Thomas who apparently remixes things.  It is VERY GOOD, and thanks to music journalist extraordinaire Arjan we can all enjoy an absolutely free download of it as well (just click on the download button at the right side of the player).  Make sure you hug him if you see him. 

The mix keeps it short and sweet - clocking in at under 4 minutes - but packs a hell of a punch.  It's all thumping beats, high-energy synths, and of course Britney's trademark autotune vocals.  So staple in your "going out" weave, put on your best leopard print mini, and ROCK THE F OUT, because this baby's a corker.

Britney Spears - Seal It With A Kiss (Peter Thomas Remix) by arjanwrites

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Single Premiere - Ke$ha's duet with Alice Cooper is here and it's ....not terrible

"Look at this old guy I just met...he says his name is Ke$ha.  That's a stupid name."
Ok so here's the thing.  When we heard that Ke$ha was going to be rolling around in a musical mudpit with uber-rocker Alice Cooper we were all *eyeroll*/"oh dear"/"what the hell has this world come to, can't we just have another Kylie album already?". And understandably so.  It sounds terrible, no?

But a snippet (does half the song still count as a snippet?!) of the track has appeared and it is SHOCKINGLY NOT HORRIFIC.  It's nothing spectacular, but it's not a world away from what "a hit" sounds like these days (which is either a good or bad thing depending on whether you're under the age of 15 or not).  As well as the two artists mesh together, it's absolutely clear that this collaboration was the result of some clever marketing, though, and not any organic development of musical rapport - but that's pretty par for the course these days.  You know, because Rihanna, Britney and Nikki are SUCH GOOD FRIENDS.

Getting Ke$ha on his new track may seem like quite a coup for Mr. Cooper:  Ke$ha is coming off her top 10 U.S. hit 'Blow,' while Alice is coming off...well, beta-blockers, probably.  But while on the surface it might seem like Ke$ha's slumming it with a has-been, one can never underestimate the importance of converting 50-year-old tattoo artists into fans.

In any case, whatever marketing deals are behind this duet, we're certainly not hating it. It has a beat and you can dance to it and we're in a recession for chrissake, we can't be picky.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Video Premiere: OK Go and friends rock out The Muppet Theme

Furries ftw

Here's OK Go's new video. 


Monday, August 22, 2011

Video premiere: Marina and the Diamonds get 'Radioactive' and put a donk on it

"I'm the girl your mom warned you about"
Marina Lambrini Diamandis, our favorite Greek pop goddess (better known by her stage name Marina and the Diamonds) has been knocking around for a couple years now.  She's super popular on "the blogs" and everything - which we suppose is the noughties equivalent of being "big on the coffee shop scene" in the 90's - but has never quite gained traction in the mainstream even though she is AMAZING.

It almost happened ("it" in this case being "WILD AND SPECTACULAR SUCCESS") when her single 'Hollywood' very nearly managed a top 10 spot in the UK.  But alas, it was not to be and it eventually petered out at a frustrating #12.  In the US she's fared even worse, relegated to Pitchfork articles and being mentioned by hipsters over PBR at the flannel swatch shop or wherever it is they hang out.  


But (expectant drumroll) all that may be about to change (choir singing), as her new video has just premiered and it is....surprising.  She always had a mainstream vibe, but her new jam takes it to a whole different level.  It's not a world away from what Britney and Rihanna and, well, everyone else, are putting out at the moment, just infused with a healthy dose of character.  And that character is what is going to make or break her - do people want to hear a unique voice along with their slick dance-pop?  Or do they prefer the anyone-could-have-sung-this-autotuned-mess status quo?


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Chromeo and Beyonce's sister prove you don't have to break the bank to make an ACTUALLY AMAZING video - watch now!

A nice picture of a good band.
Chromeo have been knocking around for a while, kind of like a penny in the drier.  You know it's there, the neighbors know it's there, but no one can really be bothered to hunt it down or pay any attention to it.  But now there's a very very good reason to take some notice, as the band - with Solange Knowles in tow - just put out one of the best videos we've seen in a long time.

The clip for "When Night Falls" is funny, sexy, batshit insane, and apparently made for about the same cost as a 2008 mid-sized sedan.  Oh, and also AMAZING.

It's all about how music is awesome and can GET YOU PREGNANT somehow, which, though we're not quite sure about the exact science behind it, seems totally possible. We'll stop the description there, cause we don't want to ruin the delightful surprise, but let us just say that we'd be happy to have a little Chromeo inside us.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Jessie J is a 'Domino' listen to the single premiere now!

Nothing rhymes with "purple."
Bob-hairdo spokeswoman Jessie J is a busy-ass girl.  In between getting her hair angled and shopping for shoulderpads, she is currently peddling current single 'Who's Laughing Now' over in the UK.  But somehow she's also gearing up to launch her US track 'Domino' which is intended to launch her into the American pop stratosphere.  The song will also be a single over in the UK, but its release will probably be delayed a bit if 'Who's' is a success.

The whole thing might work too - 'Domino' is a corker of a jam in the vein of Katy Perry but less shouty, and - somehow - with even more of a pop edge.  The verses are refreshingly straightforward, and the chorus is hands-in-the-air at a party singalong anthemic. It was produced by Dr. Luke, who is behind some of Britney and Kelly Clarkson's biggest hits, but whose biggest achievement clearly is Paris Hilton's spectacular (citation needed) debut album. 

The good doctor certainly works his charms here - 'Domino' is all smooth and sleek with a remix-ready bass bump - and we have a feeling that over in the States Ms. J is about to be VERY BIG INDEED.

Also Paris really needs to put out another album.  Just sayin.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Natalia Kills is going to 'Kill My Boyfriend' - listen now!

This is what the cover of a very good album looks like
Natalia Kills is like Gaga back when she had fun doing what she does.  Which is exactly why we love her.  Also she's British, and if Girls Aloud and Sophie Ellis Bextor have taught us anything it's that when it comes to pop, BRITISH IS ALWAYS BETTER. 

She's been putzing around her homeland for a good few months, building up quite a buzz, and now has her sights set on the US market.  While her debut LP 'Perfectionist' is already out in a few European territories, the BIG MOMENT comes today when it's released in the US and UK, with a few new tracks to boot.  Amazing new tracks.  Like this one:

Natalia Kills - Kill My Boyfriend [Preview] by CherrytreeRecords

It is called 'Kill My Boyfriend' and is about killing Natalia's boyfriend.  And it is VERY GOOD.  Here are three examples of why:

1.  It is happy and jolly but about KILLING SOMEONE
2.  There's a part that just repeats "kill, kill, kill" over again
3.  It was written with Junior Caldera, who has done some very good things for some other very good people, but either hasn't killed anyone or is VERY GOOD at it because he hasn't been caught.

And that's that.

The album's out TODAY in the US. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Video Premiere: Anjulie is a 'Brand New Bitch'

If you eat enough hair you can clog your intestines and die.  Look it up.
Ok here's the thing.  We had this entire article prepared about how we had no idea Anjulie existed and how everything we knew about her came from Wikipedia (which really is not a lot - seriously, Anjulie's people, get on that.).  Then we realized we actually wrote about her back in January 2010, when she had a new song called 'Headphones' out and was gearing up to be "the next big thing" and then we felt a little sad because OBVIOUSLY THAT DID NOT GO WELL.

Well now she's back and hopefully more memorable - if only for the title of her new single, 'Brand New Bitch.'  It's a dance song but also a pop song, and includes a lot of SHOCKING LYRICS in the form of swear words that are not shocking in the least.  It also has a video that looks like it is from 2004.  Which kind of says something about the whole project.

Back in 2004, a video featuring a girl saying swears while some backup dancers in ridiculous hats flail around might have been diverting.  But this is 2011 and A LOT HAS HAPPENED in the last 7 years (we don't want to say Gaga ruined everything, but for most female pop artists Gaga ruined everything).  So while 'Bitch' is a nice little track and the video isn't terrible, it's gonna take a bit more to break Anjulie into the big leagues.

Here's hoping she gets the chance, though, cause the girl has promise.  And hopefully it's sooner rather than later, lest we forget all about her again.


Friday, August 12, 2011

Nicola Roberts has a 'Lucky Day' all over New York City - watch the premiere now!

"one does like a lovely hat."
We've come to the sad realization that Nicola Roberts will never be the HUGE ALL-CONQUERING POP STAR she deserves to be.  We reached this conclusion after a lot of thought (read: alcohol) one night, just as London was becoming engulfed in anarchy and a few days after we heard 'Lucky Day' for the first time.

It's not that people don't like Nicola.  In fact, it's not that people won't buy her records.  It's just that she's a "grown up" pop star.  She'll no doubt be lauded with praise by "the critics" and such - as she should be - and all the bougie types will say "my, isn't she so much better than Cheryl Cole," but all that praise will probably end in a long string of mid-tier chart hits while some autotuned ringtone avatar rules the pop scene. 

It's the same thing that happened to such brilliant pop divas as Lykke Li and Roisin Murphy.  And while Nicola CLEARLY has the more normal name of the bunch, her music is no more appealing to the kids who are out terrorizing half the UK right now.  And it's those kids who buy things off the iTunes these days.

So - and we're talking directly to Nicola now, because she totally reads this site (citation needed):  When 'Lucky Day' winds up barely scraping the top 20 and you're crying into your Nutella jar, take some consolation in this:  It's not that you suck.  It's just that no hooligan on this earth wants to torch a Nando's at 1am while blaring 'Lucky Day' out of his Droid.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Jessie J's 'Who's Laughing Now' video is kind of great - watch now!

"Is there something on my face?"
At first we didn't like Jessie J, because she put out 'Do It Like A Dude' and we were worried that "the industry" was returning to that horrible time in the 90's when R&B was all shouty and tuneless, but this time with autotune so it'd be 10x as horrible.  Then we liked Jessie J but worried that no one else would, because she's kind of quirky and the FEMALE POP DIVA GREEN ROOM is a bit crowded at the moment.  Then 'Price Tag' was a hit and we worried a little bit less.

Now we love Jessie J and SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE, and with good reason.  She is amazing.  And as it happens, so is her new song. 

It's kind of a Pink-meets-Lily Allen thing, about BULLYING and how bad it is to be BULLIED.  Which means she's a bit late to the party - Gaga, Katy Perry, Ke$ha and the aforementioned Pink have all trod that ground recently - but this track is a lot more on the nose about the subject than any of those were.  It's less "you're awesome just the way you are" and more "DON'T BE A DICK TO PEOPLE," and though it isn't strictly autobiographical, Jessie herself was victim of some hella harshness after her skin turned green (!!) from some heart pills as a kid.  About the incident Jess said, "(k)ids at school nicknamed me Alien and they threw rocks at me."  Rocks?  Seriously?  Those kids are hardcore.  Well at least she grew up to be pretty great and they're probably restocking the Tesco adult diaper aisle.

The video is pretty great too, following a young fictional Jessie through a day at school, during which attractive blond children call her names and make her feel bad about herself even though 8-year-old Miss J looks FIERCE.  These kids have clearly never seen a NYLON magazine because Jess is totally bang on trend right now - these children should be asking her for tips on where to buy vintage broaches, not flicking boogers at her.

It's a great tune and a great video and everyone should watch it and make it a hit.  Because bullying is bad and Jessie J is good, and...well, that's all really.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Adam Levine is naked and Xtina is in a floppy hat in the 'Moves Like Jagger' video - watch the premiere now!

FINALLY, right?  They teased this thing like, last year or something, it seems like.  We totally understand it takes time to put a video together, especially with Adam off at the gym all the time and Christina busy taste-testing every item in her local supermarket bakery section, but COME ON.

Our personal impatience aside, though, the record execs upstairs clearly know what they're doing.  The song has sat at #1 on iTunes for a good many days now, and this might be the extra bump the song needs to stick around. 

Clearly the execs knew their visual strengths going into this too.  Ten years ago a video for this track would have been easy - just stick an underage Xtina in a bikini and make her dance like a stripper for a few minutes.  But this is 2011, and Xtina is.... "healthier," and the gays buy all the records.  So the suits had some meetings, talked it all out, stripped down Adam Levine in front of a camera and DID WHAT THEY NEEDED TO DO. 

And for that we will be eternally grateful.

The video is actually pretty interesting aside from Adam's peen pointers, too.  It has dancing!  It has Mick Jagger impersonators!  The ACTUAL Mick Jagger!  Xtina standing in front of a microphone!  And Adam effing Levine in a state of significant undress.

Well played.  Well played indeed.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Sky Ferreira is now Fiona Apple - listen to a clip of "song 3"

"I'm like Ke$ha but cleaner."
Remember when Fiona Apple was all awesome and popular and she did 'Shadowboxer' and 'Criminal' and then she yelled stuff at the MTV Awards and birds started living in her hair? Good times, right?

Well that was a very long time ago - especially by pop standards - and though she's put out a couple of really good (read: REALLY GOOD) albums since then, the world has kept spinning and a slew of new, young, hip and impossibly on-trend girls have come up to take her place.  Like Sky Ferreira.

Sky's musical style up to now has been a world away from Fiona's brooding pop/rock, but it seems Miss Ferriera has turned over a new leaf.  She just posted a snippet of a track inventively titled "song 3" on Soundcloud, and it wouldn't feel at all out of place on the Daria soundtrack from 1999.  In fact, if you told us it was actually a Fiona Apple demo from way back when, we'd totally believe you.

Yes, it's a huge departure from Sky's usual sunny synthpop, but considering the resounding thud her buzz singles have landed with, maybe that's a good thing. And who knows - maybe Fiona will get all jealous and finally put out something new.  Or....OR - and hold on because this would be amazing -  Sky and Fiona could do the track as a duet at a b-list awards show (we're thinking the Billboard Awards) and then put the performance on iTunes.  Then Glee would sing it as part of a "don't be a cutter" episode or something and the song would be number one for three years, and Sky and Fiona would form an AMAZING band called - wait for it - SKY AND FIONA, and everything they did would be phenomenal and life-changing.

Or - as will obviously happen - the Sky song will turn out to be a one-off demo thing, she'll keep doing amazing but underrated dance pop, and continue on her current path, having to list being one of Allure's "style icons" as her greatest acheivement. 

Sad face.

song 3 by Sky Ferreira Official

Friday, August 5, 2011

Today is the day The Saturdays got a budget for a video - watch 'All Fired Up's' teaser now

"there is a lot of sex at our college."
The Saturdays have crap videos.  That's just something we have all accepted and learned to deal with.  Which is why it came as such a shock to see this teaser appear on the interwebs for their new single 'All Fired Up' - which became available for download yesterday in the UK. 

It's almost classy looking (!), and has a cool water bit to boot (!!).  It's not going to end up on Twitter associated with tags like #AMAZEBALLS or #GROUNDBREAKING or #WERKYOURPUZZY, etc., but we're talking about the band who gave us the American Eagle-advert that was 'Missing You,' for chrissake, so let's have some perspective.  Seriously, look it up.  You'll vomit.  (yay skinny!)

We already talked about how 'Fired' is one of those songs you have to let grow on you - a bit like a slow-moving fungus that is completely innocuous until it reaches your brain stem, at which point it makes you do a few booty bumps, rip off your clothes and TWIRL TWIRL TWIRL on the dancefloor - but the video at first glance is an in-your-face, moderately-budgeted clip that isn't really special in any way but can at least keep up with whatever botoxed-miming that the Sugababes have coming down the pike. 


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Nicole Scherzinger getting 'Wet' is kind of great - watch the new video now

"what do you mean your mom doesn't like me"
Nicole S has a new video and it is porn.  Like, straight up, full on, tits out/ass up porn.  Which is fine we guess - who are we to judge - but lord, she could at least have some subtlety right?  After all, the song is called 'Wet' and is about 'getting wet' and then going off to a dark corner to 'have some fun.'  So the whole thing just comes off as a bit on the nose if you ask us.

But no one DID ask us, so what we have essentially ended up with is a super skinny Kardashian look-alike shoving her box at the camera alongside a group of girls who look exactly like the Pussycat Dolls but are not the Pussycat Dolls because they're totally broken up and that would be stupid.

And all this happens to a kind of strange song that sounds like something we would have called ACTUALLY AMAZING until Lady Gaga ran the sound into the ground 2 years ago.  It's not bad, but it's one of those tracks that has really good verses but doesn't bother with a catchy chorus.  Which is ridiculous because THE WHOLE POINT OF A SONG IS THE CHORUS.

But whatever.  It probably won't even be released here anyway.  So all of our straight male readers (who clearly ended up at this site by complete accident) go ahead and enjoy this clip.  The rest of us will move on to something a little less crass.

<a href=';mkt=en-gb&amp;src=FLPl:embed::uuids' target='_new' title='Exclusive: Nicole Scherzinger - Wet' >Video: Exclusive: Nicole Scherzinger - Wet</a>

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Listen to Jason DeRulo's brand new track - 'It Girl'

I seem to have misplaced my shirt.
Jason DeRulo has done some very nice pop songs.  We know this because we named one of his tracks in our top 10 of 2010.  And we obvs have impeccable taste.

His current single didn't really set the charts on fire - 'Don't Wanna Go Home' petered out at #14 in the US - but nevertheless our expectations were pretty high for his new output.  In fact, when 'It Girl' was announced as the follow up single from his sophomore album, we got super excited for a minute and ate some carbs in celebration. (Ed: Don't lie.  No one believes you ate carbs.  Delete.).  Because come on.  "'It Girl.' It's such a great title, with so much potential! Something fierce (fingersnap/hip pop) or sassy (shouts of "werk") could have been on tap.  Or even something with a donk on it.


To be fair, it's not bad.  It just wasn't anything (read: ANYTHING) like we were imagining in our unicorn-glittered minds.  When it starts out it sounds like it's going to be all OVERSUNG R&B SCHLOCKFEST FROM HELL but develops nicely into a decent little jam.  Jason sidesteps the plague of oversung vocal trickery in favor of a straightforward delivery, and turns what could have been an R.Kelly nightmare into a decent little filler track.  DeRizzle certainly has a talent for a hook, and while it's nothing groundbreaking, 'Girl' is executed pretty damn well.  And at the end of the day not everything can be an amazing club banger.  They have to play SOMETHING in doctors office waiting rooms don't they...

It's the kind of song that really won't change anything, and besides serving as the soundtrack for some middle schoolers' first "over the shirt action" in a 2002 Chevy parked outside a Friendly's,  no one is going to remember it.  But still - if we have to listen to one boring ballad this summer, this might just be it.

Maybe just give us a donk next time, eh J?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Who wants a FREE DOWNLOAD of the new Joe Jonas single remix?

This is a picture of two Joe Jonases.  It is also known by the title "the hottest couple in the world."

It has to be tough for a former boybander to break out on his own and fail.  And when the band you were in was as wildly obsessed over as the Jonas Brothers, it must be even harder than usual.  Which is why it must have stung terribly when Joe Jonas took the leap and launched his debut solo single to a resounding 'meh.' Though it's probably somewhat of a consolation to look in the mirror every day and see THAT staring back, but whatever.

Despite being a walking satchel of sex, Joe was unable to turn the seat-wetting fanaticism he incites into any sort of actual chart success, which is unfortunate since his first track 'See No More' actually had the makings of a nice hit.  But it was not to be, as it plodded its way to #92 and disappeared back into the pop abyss from whence it came.

It's not the first time this has happened, of course, and it certainly won't be the last, but if failed popstars have learned anything over the last decade or so of pop culture, it's "if at first you don't succeed, chuck out another song and put a donk on it."  AND DONK IT HE HAS.

Here, in download form, is the RATHER BRILLIANT Jump Smokers Mix of the brand new Joe Jonas single 'Love Slayer.'  It is urgent and energetic, and easily the best thing we've heard from the kid so far.  It might not get him the top 10 single he really needs to take off as a solo star, but we're guessing this jam will be tearing up the clubs in no time.


Monday, August 1, 2011

Nicola Roberts' Lucky Day official preview will start your week off right - listen now!

If this one isn't top 10 I'll bleach everything I swear

One of our readers, whom we shall call "Ray" because that is his actual name, recently opined that we have been prone to hyperbole in a few of our posts. Fully accepting that, on occasion, this might be the case, as an experiment we are putting up the following official preview of Nicola Roberts' forthcoming single without fanfare or praise.

Instead, we are forgoing our usual overzealous handwringing by posting of the new 'Lucky Day' snippet without taking sides, or calling it PHENOMNUTS or whatever word we came up with during a Xanax and TheraFlu binge, or screaming at you in caps lock about how it is a terrifyingly excellent gift to humanity sent down from the heavens to reward us for not making Rebecca Black's new single a hit.

It has some vocals by Nicola, some words and music by Dragonette, and is out officially on September 18 for download and physical purchase in the UK.  And that is all we are going to say about it, because we are fully committed to giving our readers non-biased, fact based information that is not tainted by our personal opinion.

And because if you all don't realize it is F*CKING AMAZING on your own then you have no business calling yourselves pop fans.