Sunday, August 22, 2010

Kelly Rowland's new U.S. single signals the end of music as we know it - listen to the 'urban U.S.' version of 'Commander' now!

It has finally happened, dear ScopiSubjects.  "The Industry" has caught on that people in the United States have generally no taste when it comes to music, and that for any record to sell within its borders, the music contained within said album must be ACTUAL SHIT.

Don't believe us?  Well, let's break down what is going on with Kelly Rowland's album release together:

1.  Despite dance anthem 'Commander' becoming a worldwide chart-topper, Kelly's people decide to release the distinctly more "urban" 'Rose Colored Glasses' for the album's U.S. kickoff.  This type of targeted marketing happens quite a bit, actually, and to be fair we were fine with it because 'Glasses' is literally brilliant. 

But beware, readers.  This is what we call TRAGIC FORESHADOWING. 

2.  After forcing David Guetta and Kelly to sit in a room and repeatedly collaborate for days at a time with presumably no breaks for food, water or defecation, and then spending tens of dollars on "buzz" and such to make her a credible dance artist, "The Suits" decide to chuck all that hard work out the window.  Why?  So they can spend another $950 (in Strawberry gift cards) on making Kelly BACK INTO A CREDIBLE R&B ARTIST SOMEHOW.

...but only for the U.S.  All those Guetta tracks will still be used as-is in every other territory, while for the good ol' U.S.of A they will be remade with, or replaced by, urban production and a host of guest stars ranging from Ne-Yo to Pitbull. 

3.  Gleefully ignoring the fact that being a "bona fide dance artiste" and being a "authentic R&B songstress" are pretty much mutually exclusive, the honchos in charge inexplicably come to the conclusion that nothing could be savvier than releasing a ridiculous (it features Nelly) version of a single that the rest of the world and the U.S. dance community already embraced, got sick of, and cast aside. 

4.  We all get to listen to this steaming pile of crap while we preorder the GOOD version of the album from Amazon UK: