Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Joe Jonas is gonna try to knock Justin Timberlake's pop prince tiara off with 'See No More'

Once upon a time, in a land far away - unless you live in Los Angeles, in which case much of this actually happened quite nearby - there was a young boy named Joe.  

Joe was adorable and precocious, and had two brothers, each nearly as adorable and precocious as he.  Except for one of them who was kind of fugly.

They lived a happy life in New Jersey, to the extent that living a happy life in New Jersey is possible, but always dreamed of something more.  Joe, in particular, could often be found sitting atop a garbage heap, gazing at the petrochemical factory fumes and daydreaming of a world where he could roam free and be independent and date hot chicks so people wouldn't think he was gay cause he TOTALLY WASN'T GAY.

One day the boys went into the local market to buy some magic beans or something, and there they found a music store.  At the shop owner's prodding, the three boys picked up some instruments, and after finding that they were actually quite good, decided to start a "music band."  They laughed and played and strummed on their instruments in blissful ignorance of the world around them, until a humble talent scout from the distant shire of Hollywood Recordsville heard news of this talented threesome and set off to acquire them for his master's court of internationally popular jesters.

Through child labor laws and nosy parents with their kids' "best interest" at heart, the humble talent scout trekked in his pursuit of Joe and his kin.  And when finally he reached his goal, the boys were better than he had ever dreamed.  "Talented!" he exclaimed, "and adorable!" he chimed, and with a greedy glint in his eye he locked Joe and the boys up in a rather fabulous birdcage from Anthropologie, and stole away into the night.

For years the boys were held captive, forced to play their instruments and dance in a chastely sexual way for the scout's master.  Until one day Joe stood up to the master (Joe was always the brave one) and shouted "NO MORE!  I AM STRIKING OUT ON MY OWN, FOR I DO NOT NEED YOU!"

The master flew into a rage at this outburst, and screamed "you'll never make it on your own!  Boys like you never make it on your own!" and stared a demonic stare that would instill terror in all but the mightiest warriors.  But Joe could not be cowered.  He tightened his fists, and closed his eyes, and in a calm, steady voice replied "but master, what of Michael Jackson?  And of Justin Timberlake?  And of the fat one from Take That who made handbags for a while or whatever?"

At this, the master chortled into his man-cleavage, confident that he had the upper hand.  "Joe, my boy, those jesters all had killer debut solo singles.  You're just out of your league.  Stay here, in my terrifyingly Disney-esque castle and play crap music for teenagers with your brothers."

And then Joe, unmoved by the master's intimidation, took a deep breath, whipped this out and said "suck it, master.  I'm a fucking pop star now."