Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Everything about the new Ricky Martin is terrible. Watch the premiere now (or don't)

How many pesos to lose the speedo?
Ok we already talked about how absolutely dire the new Ricky Martin single is (think Jack Johnson if his music were written by a committee of old people who "don't get this new fangled jibber jab they play on the radio" and also don't speak English particularly well).  Also Ricky's voice is completely wrong for the style he's attempting. 

We were reserving our judgment for the whole project until we saw the video, but, having watched the premiere, we can now confirm with complete confidence that NOTHING ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IS GOOD.

Some issues:

1.  It's not 2002.  White backgrounds behind beautiful children with "natural makeup" are best left to old-school VH1 and cancer-charity videos. 
2.  We get it.  You're gay.  You don't have to cram it down our throats (heh).  Seriously, this onslought of gayness would be like Ellen saying "I'm Gay" on the cover of People, and then immediately following it up with an hourlong primetime special during which she does nothing but scissor a local women's soccer team.
3.  The video does not distract us enough from how wretched the song is.  It needs flashing lights.  And colors.  And flashing colored lights.  Or puppies.  Flashing puppies, preferably.  Even nudity would be fine.  And yeah, we know, he gets his shirt off in this clip, but we saw more than this when he was doing yoga on the beach with his "companion" back before he liked it up the butt.
4.  Coming out (heh) with a song about how happy you are only makes everyone think you're trying awfully hard to convince everyone you're happy.

He's still pretty though.


Kylie's coming to North America!

Before you die, you see the ring
So it's finally official, K-Mo is going to once again grace the continent of North America with her goddess-like presence.  The show will be scaled down from the worldwide version, to fit in the smaller venues at which she's playing, but as her last NA tour showed, smaller isn't necessarily worse.  

In any case, if you feel like clawing through some gays to get a glimpse of the PRINCESS OF EVERYTHING, AMEX cardholders can get tickets from 10am Friday on, and general on-sale is Jan 14 at 10am.  

Aphrodite ‘Les Folies’ North American tour dates:
Apr 28 Montreal at Bell Centre
Apr 29 Boston, MA at Agganis Arena
Apr 30 Washington, D.C. at GMU Patriot Center
May 02 New York, NY at Hammerstein Ballroom
May 03 New York, NY at Hammerstein Ballroom
May 06 Atlanta, GA at Fox Theatre
May 07 Fort Lauderdale, FL at BankAtlantic Center
May 08 Orlando, FL at Hard Rock Live Orlando
May 10 Houston, TX at Verizon Wireless Theatre
May 18 Dallas, TX at Verizon Theatre at Grand Prairie
May 20 Los Angeles, CA at Hollywood Bowl
May 21 San Francisco, CA at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium
May 22 Las Vegas, NV at Colosseum at Caesar’s Palace