Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Taio Cruz and Flo Rida have a 'Hangover' in new video - watch the premiere now!

Everything about this photograph is painfully on-trend.
One time we had a house party and invited all our friends and everyone laughed and danced and listened to music and got drunk and did some drugs we bought from a girl who thought she was Ke$ha and broke things and fornicated with each other and then all fell asleep and when we woke up we had a HANGOVER.

That is the sort of thing that Taio Cruz has done as well, apparently - as nearly all of us have - except that instead of cleaning up the mess afterward like a normal person, he decided to just hire a maid and go off to write a song about it.  Or, more accurately, Tramar Dillard, Lukasz Gottwald and Henry Walter decided to write a song about it, and then Taio came along and said "this sounds like just the sort of thing I am looking for, but wouldn't it be a much better track, artistically speaking, if I could get royalties for it?" and added two words to the background of the middle eight and listed himself as a lyricist in the liner notes.

That, of course, is the kind of thing that happens all the time in "the industry", and we're usually fine with it as long as the added words are good or at least serviceable.  But in this case THAT IS QUITE SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE because literally each and every word of this song is its own, centralized black hole of swirling poo.

It is four minutes of hedonistic nonsense that is the unfortunate end result of the long-building trend in music where a committee of parrots or squirrels or something randomly select words relating "the club" or "being drunk" or "wanting to get drunk", and then put a donk over it and watch it go to number 1.

But just when we think it can't get worse, there is the video, which is essentially a straight-to-dvd sequel of AN ACTUAL MOVIE THAT THEY ALREADY MADE TWICE called 'The Hangover,' but with a worse soundtrack and less attractive actors.  It even has a wacky Asian guy who does ridiculous things and humiliates himself, because it's not like everyone in the world saw those movies and knows exactly what is going on here.

"Womp womp" etc.