Last night millions of Americans threw away their standard text messaging fees on choosing the "best of a bad bunch" winner of American Idol who will be embarrassing themselves in a traveling production of 'Joseph' by the time you read this. But all anyone really cared about was Lady Gaga singing her new is-it-or-isn't-it-a-single 'Edge of Glory.' (Sorry Beyonce, but you knew going in that you were gonna be upstaged - Girls don't run the world, Gaga does.)
The Ladylicious One treated the throngs of lowbrow-television fans to her usual spectacular, and following the pattern started by her literal live interpretation of 'Born This Way' (look, I'm coming out of an egg like I'm being born!), Gaga belted out her new jam while STANDING ON AN ACTUAL EDGE.
With her new album projected to sell 900,000 copies this week she really has no reason to be on the edge of anything, but in true Gaga fashion she still treated us to one of the COOLEST MOMENTS IN POP HISTORY at the 4:00 mark.
Remember kids - Gaga says suicide is awesome as long as you look hot, are wearing a hat, and millions of people see when you do it.
The Wanted are a bit of a strange thing. They burst to superstardom after making it through what Wikipedia calls a "mass audition" (and which most everyone else probably calls a "casting couch situation") and quickly established themselves as an inexplicably credible musical force.
Their debut track 'All Time Low' is one of the more innovative tracks to come out of Britian in recent years - not because it pushes the envelope, but because it took all the then-current trends and mashed them together in an understated and classy way. And that's the formula that has kept The Wanted on top with their subsequent singles as well - they're edgy and urban without featuring Pitbull for no reason, and they pull off the dubstep/eurotrance/ravey thing without it sounding like an on-trend cash-in.
Also they are REALLY REALLY HOT.
With one single off their sophomore album still riding high on the charts (it peaked at #3), it's time for the boys to chuck out the tune that will properly launch the forthcoming LP. It has a totally-not-gay title of "Glad You Came" and is kind of what would happen if Jennifer Lopez's 'On The Floor' was a little less crass and was sung by a group of really sexy teenage boys. In other words it is very very good.
So last night was the Billboard Awards or the Irrelevant Magazine World Cup or the CHARTS MEAN NOTHING NOW AND WE FEAR FOR OUR CAREERS ceremony or something. It was basically one of those self-congratulatory crapfests where the people who were always obviously going to win won and the people who obviously weren't going to win didn't even show up, but the evening was notable for one thing. And this is that thing:
No, Britney can't dance still, and no, Nikki Minaj is still nothing more than a big personality with kinda crap songs, but goddamn if that wasn't a blast to watch.
Beyonce hasn't had very many good B'Days lately, has she?
While former bandmate Kelly Rowland continues her ascent into the ranks of pop's elite, Beyonce has stumbled on...somewhat tougher times. Anticipation was sky-high for the lead single from her new album '4,' which often leads to disappointment. Especially when the single turns out to be a steaming heap of rabbit poo.
After landing with a resounding thud at #33 in the US and #18 in the UK, the video was delayed. And then delayed again. And then everyone forgot about it for a while and went out for a nice meal, and then they delayed it one more time. But hark! The day has arrived, o remaining three people who care!
Apparently determined to beat the apocalypse by AT LEAST ONE DAY, Beyonce has deigned to finally chuck the 'Girls' video onto the interwebs for all to see in its Pepsi-commercial-looking glory.
It's epic, it's well done, she is "fierce" and "werk"-ing in it. In fact, it's a very good video, if a little overblown (thanks, Lady Gaga for creating a world where EVERYTHING MUST BE A RIDICULOUS SPECTACULAR), but it's just such a shame that the song is so absolutely terrible.
We (along with most everyone else who cares) heard Gaga's new album yesterday at the exact second it leaked, thanks to the wonders of the thing they call the internets.
To say expectations were high is a DRAMATIC UNDERSTATEMENT. So how does it stack up to the lofty projections? Let's take a look, shall we:
1. There are 2 great songs, a couple good songs, some mediocre songs, and a bad song or two.
2. Every song has a tempo change for NO REASON
3. Every song has a speaking bit for NO REASON
4. Every song is far less good than 'Bad Romance' but some are far better than 'Alejandro.'
5. It's a bit preachy and up itself which should come as a surprise to absolutely no one.
6. It is not the ALL-CONQUERING, GENRE DEFINING MASTERPIECE that Gaga thinks it is.
7. It is not terrible but it is also not brilliant and is actually just an above-average pop album from an above-average pop star. And from anyone else that would be good enough.
So there you have it. There are some good bits and some bad bits and more than a couple cringey bits. But it's still better than Nickelback. So...at least there's that.
The last time we wrote about JoJo she was swimming in an abyss of contract disputes and album delays, but somehow was still able to "accidentally leak" the rather phenomenal 'Forever In My Life.' We raved about the song at great length, and lamented the fact that her career had stalled just at the point when she decided to be actually good.
Well, it seems that JoJo's clouds are parting (Eds: that sounds gross, please change) because not only has her new track hit the interwebs, but it sounds VERY SIMILAR TO A SONG THAT COULD BE A NUMBER ONE SINGLE. Let us examine the evidence supporting this conclusion:
1. It sounds like Robyn
2. It is a song by an artist who was once a child but is now NO LONGER A CHILD and accordingly it is grown up sounding but without being all up itself and snooty.
3. It sounds like Robyn
4. It is 80's but also NOW and also classic and timeless and will probably sound very good live. (Note: call someone about making sure that this gets performed live)
5. See numbers 1 and 3.
Oh Aqua. With your Casio beats and mousy vocals. With your poetic lyrics and ridiculous Euro-raps. Back in the day we were SUPER DUPER AWESOMELY CLOSE. Besties even. We would skip and laugh and play hopscotch and giggle about the cute boys who we were too scared to talk to, and shop and gossip and totally get our periods at the exact same time. Nothing could touch us and no one could break us. And then we grew up.
And in growing up, we grew apart. Life wasn't so simple anymore. You had some stuff going on, and we CERTAINLY HAD SOME STUFF GOING ON, and then we smoked a lot of salvia and fell in with the bad girls who hung out in the bathroom and swore a lot, while you were off doing your competitive cheerleading and experimenting with bulimia.
But a few months ago we ran into you unexpectedly. It was great to see you - it really was - but we kept it quick cause you were doing this whole tacky Christmas single thing and we really didn't want to bother you. And also because the track was really shit and we didn't want to have to lie to you about it when you were like 'OMG HOW GREAT IS OUR NEW HOLIDAY SONG?'
Since then we've checked in with each other a couple times, and it's been really nice to be back in each others' lives, especially now that you seem to be getting back on your feet. The new song you've done, 'How R U Doin,' is actually kind of listenable, and the video isn't as terrible as it very easily could have been.
I guess what we're trying to say is, we may never be super close again, and it's not like we'll ever go back to braiding each others' hair in our pjs, or stealing noserings from Claire's Accessories, but it's really great to see you doing so well, and next time you're in town we should totally grab coffee and catch up.
Take That, the UK super-band who scored a single US hit back in 1996 with 'Back For Good,' have been one of the few acts to experience not one, but two meteoric rises. They burst on the scene during the boyband heyday in the early 1990s, only to split up a few years later when "the fat one" Robbie Williams left to design handbags or something.
The group reformed, however, in 2006 (then sans Williams) and immediately snatched the title of "hottest group of singing DILFs around" which should be an actual award but is not. ( :-( ) They guys became so hot, in fact, that Williams rejoined the band in 2010, presumably after his handbag business folded.
Now, having firmly and homoerotically reclaimed their position at the top of the writhing heap of boybands, the reformed fivesome have been tapped to deliver the official song for this summer's X-Men: First Class movie. It's basically a rip off of Muse, but it's got a nice chorus if you stick with it long enough, and we'll at least probably get to see the boys pretend to be superheroes in the video or something.
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