Last night a thing happened that was amazing and this is a video of that thing - watch Britney and Nikki Minaj perform now!

"I don't feel real good, y'all"

So last night was the Billboard Awards or the Irrelevant Magazine World Cup or the CHARTS MEAN NOTHING NOW AND WE FEAR FOR OUR CAREERS ceremony or something.  It was basically one of those self-congratulatory crapfests where the people who were always obviously going to win won and the people who obviously weren't going to win didn't even show up, but the evening was notable for one thing.  And this is that thing:



No, Britney can't dance still, and no, Nikki Minaj is still nothing more than a big personality with kinda crap songs, but goddamn if that wasn't a blast to watch.

Beyonce's new video can 'Run The World' but it can't run the charts :(

I am not Shakira.

Beyonce hasn't had very many good B'Days lately, has she?

While former bandmate Kelly Rowland continues her ascent into the ranks of pop's elite, Beyonce has stumbled on...somewhat tougher times.  Anticipation was sky-high for the lead single from her new album '4,' which often leads to disappointment.  Especially when the single turns out to be a steaming heap of rabbit poo.

After landing with a resounding thud at #33 in the US and #18 in the UK, the video was delayed.  And then delayed again.  And then everyone forgot about it for a while and went out for a nice meal, and then they delayed it one more time.  But hark!  The day has arrived, o remaining three people who care!

Apparently determined to beat the apocalypse by AT LEAST ONE DAY, Beyonce has deigned to finally chuck the 'Girls' video onto the interwebs for all to see in its Pepsi-commercial-looking glory. 

It's epic, it's well done, she is "fierce" and "werk"-ing in it.  In fact, it's a very good video, if a little overblown (thanks, Lady Gaga for creating a world where EVERYTHING MUST BE A RIDICULOUS SPECTACULAR), but it's just such a shame that the song is so absolutely terrible.

Lady Gaga's album leaked yesterday and this is what it sounds like

I AM INSULATED AGAINST YOUR CRITICISMS

We (along with most everyone else who cares) heard Gaga's new album yesterday at the exact second it leaked, thanks to the wonders of the thing they call the internets.

To say expectations were high is a DRAMATIC UNDERSTATEMENT.  So how does it stack up to the lofty projections?  Let's take a look, shall we:

1.  There are 2 great songs, a couple good songs, some mediocre songs, and a bad song or two.
2.  Every song has a tempo change for NO REASON
3.  Every song has a speaking bit for NO REASON
4.  Every song is far less good than 'Bad Romance' but some are far better than 'Alejandro.'
5.  It's a bit preachy and up itself which should come as a surprise to absolutely no one.
6.  It is not the ALL-CONQUERING, GENRE DEFINING MASTERPIECE that Gaga thinks it is.
7.  It is not terrible but it is also not brilliant and is actually just an above-average pop album from an above-average pop star.  And from anyone else that would be good enough.

So there you have it.  There are some good bits and some bad bits and more than a couple cringey bits.  But it's still better than Nickelback.  So...at least there's that.

3 OUT OF 5 SCOPITONES

JoJo is back and is exactly like Robyn now apparently - listen to the ACTUALLY AMAZING 'The Other Chick' now

"My new song is very, very good."

The last time we wrote about JoJo she was swimming in an abyss of contract disputes and album delays, but somehow was still able to "accidentally leak" the rather phenomenal 'Forever In My Life.'  We raved about the song at great length, and lamented the fact that her career had stalled just at the point when she decided to be actually good. 

Well, it seems that JoJo's clouds are parting (Eds: that sounds gross, please change) because not only has her new track hit the interwebs, but it sounds VERY SIMILAR TO A SONG THAT COULD BE A NUMBER ONE SINGLE.  Let us examine the evidence supporting this conclusion:

1.  It sounds like Robyn
2.  It is a song by an artist who was once a child but is now NO LONGER A CHILD and accordingly it is grown up sounding but without being all up itself and snooty.
3.  It sounds like Robyn
4.  It is 80's but also NOW and also classic and timeless and will probably sound very good live.  (Note: call someone about making sure that this gets performed live)
5.  See numbers 1 and 3.

The Other Chick - JoJo (Final) by HDMI44

WELCOME THE F BACK.

Aqua's 'How R U Doin?' video is not terrible just like the song - watch now

Totally credible band.

Oh Aqua.  With your Casio beats and mousy vocals.  With your poetic lyrics and ridiculous Euro-raps.  Back in the day we were SUPER DUPER AWESOMELY CLOSE.  Besties even.  We would skip and laugh and play hopscotch and giggle about the cute boys who we were too scared to talk to, and shop and gossip and totally get our periods at the exact same time.  Nothing could touch us and no one could break us.  And then we grew up.

And in growing up, we grew apart.  Life wasn't so simple anymore.  You had some stuff going on, and we CERTAINLY HAD SOME STUFF GOING ON, and then we smoked a lot of salvia and fell in with the bad girls who hung out in the bathroom and swore a lot, while you were off doing your competitive cheerleading and experimenting with bulimia.  

But a few months ago we ran into you unexpectedly.  It was great to see you - it really was - but we kept it quick cause you were doing this whole tacky Christmas single thing and we really didn't want to bother you.  And also because the track was really shit and we didn't want to have to lie to you about it when you were like 'OMG HOW GREAT IS OUR NEW HOLIDAY SONG?'

Since then we've checked in with each other a couple times, and it's been really nice to be back in each others' lives,  especially now that you seem to be getting back on your feet. The new song you've done, 'How R U Doin,' is actually kind of listenable, and the video isn't as terrible as it very easily could have been.

I guess what we're trying to say is, we may never be super close again, and it's not like we'll ever go back to braiding each others' hair in our pjs, or stealing noserings from Claire's Accessories, but it's really great to see you doing so well, and next time you're in town we should totally grab coffee and catch up.

Unless you have a shit holiday single out.

Take That, new X-Men: listen to the new track from the film

Yes.  This happened.

Take That, the UK super-band who scored a single US hit back in 1996 with 'Back For Good,' have been one of the few acts to experience not one, but two meteoric rises.  They burst on the scene during the boyband heyday in the early 1990s, only to split up a few years later when "the fat one" Robbie Williams left to design handbags or something.

The group reformed, however, in 2006 (then sans Williams) and immediately snatched the title of "hottest group of singing DILFs around" which should be an actual award but is not. ( :-( )  They guys became so hot, in fact, that Williams rejoined the band in 2010, presumably after his handbag business folded.

Now, having firmly and homoerotically reclaimed their position at the top of the writhing heap of boybands, the reformed fivesome have been tapped to deliver the official song for this summer's X-Men: First Class movie.  It's basically a rip off of Muse, but it's got a nice chorus if you stick with it long enough, and we'll at least probably get to see the boys pretend to be superheroes in the video or something.

Take That - Love Love by zzmkl

Cascada are in 'San Francisco' in new video - watch the premiere now!

This was supposed to be an Ikea sideboard :-(

Cascada, that quintessentially Eurotrash dance outfit that keeps racking up hits for some reason, is back with their new single and it is kind of shockingly good.  They scored a worldwide smash with the Gaga rip-off 'Evacuate the Dancefloor,' but for their latest jam they've opted to rip off Katy Perry's 'California Gurls' instead.  Which we guess is appropriate, because CALIFORNIA IS WHERE SAN FRANCISCO IS.

Whereas 'Evacuate' relied on its inherent cheapness as a sort of novelty, 'San Francisco' is slick and polished and almost credible.  It's kind of like if a real pop act was singing a Cascada song.  In other words it is QUITE GOOD INDEED.

It is one of those songs that takes other parts of songs and repurposes them in a completely transparent way but still manages to come out the other side as a fully functional Frankenstein monster of a pop hit, and at the very least it should keep all the gays in booty shorts dancing on Fire Island this summer.  Which is super hard (read: NOT HARD) - the gays are notoriously discerning (read: NOT DISCERNING IN THE LEAST) as far as their dance music goes - because it's not like they'll make anything with a beat that is released between May and August into a hit (read: THEY WILL).

Whether 'San Francisco' can break out of the rooftop-in-the-city-summer-jam niche remains to be seen, but regardless it'll make a nice addition to any poolside playlist.



#DerivativeButStillGood

Listen to Lady Gaga's BRAND NEW SINGLE 'Edge of Glory' right now because it is AMAZING

"we are the same, you and I..."

We don't know just how we feel about new singles coming out literally minutes after the previous single's video debuts, but there's nothing we can do about that as it is JUST THE WORLD WE NOW LIVE IN, so whatever.  We do, however, know how we feel about Gaga's brand new track she just unveiled on the interwebs, called 'Edge Of Glory.'

WE FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT IT INDEED.

It's an amazing, teary, amazing song that sets the album up far better than either of the two prior singles, and might just win us back to her side if she plays her next few moves right and doesn't start preaching again.

MIGHT.