Someone went to Janet and wants to talk about it - read the review now

Lookin Fine.

So we, unfortunately, did not score tickets to Janet's all-conquering (read: not at all conquering) tour.  However, one of our friends did, and he was super excited to tell us about it this morning.  His name is Tim D. and this is how our conversation went:

SS:  Hello Tim.

TD:  Hello Scopitone Saturday.

SS:  You went to Janet and we'd like to ask you a few questions about it.  First and most importantly, is she fat?

TD:  No.

SS:  Would it have been better if she was fat?

TD:  No.

SS:  Good.  So it was "sexy Janet."  Please go on.

TD:  My date liked her "short lesbian haircut."

SS:  Well in the interest of not offending anyone we will try to remember to change "short lesbian haircut" to something more culturally sensitive in the final article.  But for now let's talk more about the concert.  Did she dance a lot?

TD:  Yes.

SS:  Were her dancers hot?

TD:  I don't know.  I only remember her dancing with a couple of girls up on stage.

SS:  That explains the lesbian haircut. 

TD:  Yes. She did dance with guys though.  I just don't really remember that part.

SS:  Were you high?

TD:  No but I was very drunk and I think my date was too.

SS:  You seem to be bringing up your date a lot.  Did it not go well?

TD:  Not particularly, no.

SS:  I'm sorry to hear that.  Do you think he was using you for the tickets?

TD:  Not until you said that, no.

SS:  Well did you at least get some action?

TD:  No. But I think he has a developmental disorder of some kind so I'm ok with it.

SS:  Well that's probably a good way to think about things.  It's easier to cope with rejection when you vilify the person.

TD:  That's very true.  You are very insightful.

SS:  Thank you.  So now some final thoughts about the concert:  First, what was the best song?

TD:  'What Have You Done For Me Lately' because it's what I was thinking about my date.

SS:  And the worst song?

TD:  'Black Cat' because she didn't sing it and my date talked about it for 2 hours.



......So there's that then.  And here's a video.

Calvin Harris unleashes his 'Awooga' all over the interwebs - watch now!

"If you keep touching yourself you'll grow paint on your hands."

Remember when Calvin Harris was super awesome and popular?

Us either, but apparently he was both of those things at some point.

The hitmaker - who gave us gems like 'Dance Wiv Me' (AMAZING), 'Merrymaking at My Place' (AMAZING) and 'I'm Not Alone' (shit), is back with a new album and a sort of new sound.  He's always been known as a "DJ who sings" but evidently he LOATHED EVERY MINUTE OF THE RESULTING WORLDWIDE FAME AND OBSCENE FORTUNE and has sworn off singing on his own records because, quite simply, he can't be bothered.

Accordingly, Mr. Harris' new album's lead single features no vocals over its thumping beats, but in all fairness isn't as terrible as we were expecting. Still, it's hard to imagine he'll manage another number 1 UK single if he stays this vocal-less course.  Which we don't particularly care about, one way or the other, but we thought it was worth mentioning.

Whatever, he's still hot at least.

Queen of Hearts is a new thing that you should probably know about - watch the 'Where Are You Now' teaser now

Not Kylie.

Queen of Hearts is a thing that makes music and that music is very good.   We think it is a woman but it could be something else altogether, but as long as it chucks out some nice jams we really couldn't care much less.

For the time being it's probably safe to guess that it is a she, because first of all it would be ridiculous to have more than one queen of anything - we're not in Narnia, you know - and also because "NEW ELECTRO POP DIVA" is much more exciting sounding than "NEW GROUP OF A FEW UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WHO DECIDED TO MAKE SOME MUSIC IN THEIR BASEMENT."

In any case, "she" is apparently going to be huge, so any of you ScopiSubjects out there who like to be in the know etc. should probably watch this video.  It's kind of what would happen if Little Boots ripped off Kylie's 'Aphrodite' imagery and then blew all her label's promo budget on KFC or something instead of making an actually good video, but THE BLOGS are jumping all over it so it can't be as bad as we are making it out to be. 

At least there's a "look" happening, which is a lot more than many new artists can boast, and there is definitely a WICKED TUNE in there somewhere.  So keep your eyes peeled for more from Queen of Hearts, and in the meantime click your way over to "HER" WEBSITE for some more teaser-y crap.

Robyn has 'Cardiac Arrest' in new track - listen to her rock out in the premiere now

I'm watching you

ROBYN.

IS.

AMAZING.

This is her brand new, VERY GOOD collaboration with the adorably-named Teddybears (whose 'Cobrastyle' she covered a few years ago), and in it Miss R shows off a rockier, edgier, and more natural sounding "I drink beer but you still want to f*ck me" vocal than we're used to.  Could it be that Robyn's picked up on the growing wave of electro backlash?  It certainly seems like it would be a wise career move.  With all the autotune and synths flying around these days, it seems inevitable that a more organic, live sound will pick up some steam, and while Gaga and Britney may be ruling the charts with overly slick club bangers, their tracks are becoming increasingly divisive among music fans.  In fact, the Gaga and Brit albums might just be the collections that push the movement over the edge, as listeners start to hunger for something different.

The more popular these things get - and the more artists jump on a genre's bandwagon - the more " tHe hAteRz" etc. will gain steam and decide that they love whatever music is exactly the opposite of whatever is popular at the moment.  So essentially right now we're in the 90's Ace of Base stage of the game, and if we're not careful we will ALL HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH GRUNGE AGAIN.  Or, at the very least, we'll chuck Dave Matthews and co back to the top of the charts and have to deal with another Boyz II Men "ooh they can sing without any effects and no music" movement. 

Seriously.  Don't believe us?  Well, even Poppers Princess Kylie Minogue is working an acoustic album for her next release. 

TRAGIC FORESHADOWING.

So get out your Kurt Cobain t-shirts, spark up some Reds, stop bathing, and be glad that Robyn won't be left behind when this whole DANCE MUSIC IS AWESOME thing goes south and club acts have to start dueting with the Hootie and the Blowfish reuinion lineup.

But until that happens, let's all enjoy a very good song:



Out now in the US

Kelly Rowland is once again going to be the sound of the summer - listen to her new jam now

Can YOU spot the one that doesn't belong?

Kelly Rowland, the failed TV show host who was in a girl group or something back in the 2000's, has really got this "summer smash" thing down, hasn't she?  First it was 2009's 'When Love Takes Over,' then last summer's 'Commander.'  And now Miss Rowland has unveiled what is sure to be the unescapable soundtrack to the warmer months of 2011: a poppers-o-clock, hands-in-the-air, shirts-off/glitter-on, BONA FIDE JAM called  'What A Feeling.'

And WHAT A FEELING IT IS.  Kelly certainly knows what tracks she does best, and those are middle-of-the-road dance anthems that will please the gays and most of Europe, but don't rock the musical boat in the least.  She's also smart enough to know that she doesn't quite have the credibility to sell a club track on her own, so she's once again paired up with hot DJ David Guetta Alex Gaudino.

The track is all POUNDING and BOUNCING and KELLY YELLING INTO A MICROPHONE but in a "musical way" and will undoubtedly have some sort of fantastically camp video to accompany it just in time for Memorial Day.  So, essentially what we're getting is 'Commander Mk II,' but we're pretty sure that the throngs of shirtless men on Fire Island who file their tax returns as "Gap Sales Associate - slash - Broadway actor" won't mind.



"GOOD ENOUGH."

Aqua asks 'How R U Doin?' in their brand new track - listen to the premiere now!

"oh my god you guys this look is totally timeless"

Aqua, the 90's dance band that weren't the Vengaboys, were totally the jam for about 4 and a half minutes back in the day.  Everyone of course remembers their bona fide classic 'Barbie Girl,' but people seem to forget that the band have sold THIRTY THREE MILLION ALBUMS and are the most successful Danish act of all time.  (It's true - Google it.  And then pray for humanity.)

We're not going to tell you we didn't spend our late teens with their debut album on repeat, but we also can't pretend their output after about 1998 was anything but ABSOLUTE SHIT.  So, it's with some trepidation that we have watched as their "big comeback" has unfolded.

After a decade away from the spotlight, Aqua's uphill struggle to reclaim some sliver of relevance began with their holiday track, which was called 'Spin Me A Christmas' for no reason and was the musical equivalent to getting dog vomit stuck in your shoe.  It hardly made a blip on our radar, and if anything it just reinforced our view that the group had long surpassed their expiration date.

But now we have our first glimpse of the band's new non-novelty work, in the form of their comeback single 'How R U Doin?' and um....it's not horrible.  It's kind of a Euro Ke$ha thing.  Like Britney, but if she was a Russian hooker whose "go-to" outfit was made of purple vinyl.  So like Britney full stop, really.

Anyway, here it is in all its not-terrible glory.  It's nothing life changing, but Aqua have always been known for their videos, so with the right clip this might actually pull off the impossible and make them a bankable act one more time.  Dig out your JNCO Jeans and your glowsticks, cause it's about to get all 90's ECSTACY WAREHOUSE PARTY up in here.

EDIT:  the video below is probably already gone because UMG Music apparently doesn't want anyone to actually hear what their artists are doing.  So listen to the track HERE.  It's actually worth it.

Sign of the Apocalypse #10 - this Kazaky video is an ACTUAL THING

Pray.

Okay so a bunch of guys with sick bodies and lisps decided to become a boyband in the Ukraine and release a song whose lyrics consist of about 3 words all relating to SEX or FASHION or FASHIONABLE SEX. 

The result is a hyper-gay version of Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' clip but with an absolutely shit song playing over it, and, presumably, some VERY DISAPPOINTED FATHERS. To be fair, the guys are probably not too unattractive underneath all that makeup, and the song would be a decent dance tune without the stream-of-consciousness style horniness the boys keep spewing over the beats for no reason.  But at the end of the day the whole thing is a bit horrifying in an 'A-List does music' kind of way, and also AMAZING in that same exact fashion.

In the interest of journalistic integrity, we did some research by Googling "KASAKY WIKIPEDIA" and found that the band consist of "Artur Archibaz (Артур Арчибаз), Kyryll Fedorenko (Кирилл Федоренко), Stas Pavlov (Стас Павлов) and Oleh Zhezhel (Олег Жежель), who also choreographed the video."

So...there's that then.

Get a track off Good Goose's upcoming mixtape for FREE - download 'Might Like You Better' now

"did you remember to set the alarm on the coffee maker?"

Good Goose is part of a band called Menya, quite unobjectionable to look at, and a "disc jockey" at "the clubs."  He is also very good, as his name would suggest - but is somewhat unfortunately not an ACTUAL GOOSE.  (sad face emoticon)  Good is quite the busy guy these days, but has recently taken some time out for himself.

After touring with Menya for the last few months, Mr. Goose has decided to give the world a taste of his DJ skills with his very first mixtape.  It is called 'Lyin With The Flesh Flyin' With The Goose' (amazing) and is a collection of downtown-dirty dancefloor bangers with sparse lyrics and clever knob-twiddling.  The 11 tracks are all BANGING and SHOUTING and GROANING and BEING GENERALLY DEBAUCHEROUS IN THE MEDIUM OF RECORDED SOUND and are also, on the whole, QUITE ABOVE AVERAGE. 

While his band Menya serve up hooky pop gems with a sunny/skanky flair, Goose has taken the party night clock and fast-forwarded it to that point just after 3am when you realize you're in a terrifyingly humid BoHo basement with some shirtless twinks and a couple of trannies, wearing someone else's underwear and all out of poppers.  In other words, none of these underground electro nuggets is ever going to end up on KISS FM, but we have a feeling Mr. Goose quite prefers it that way.

The whole mixtape will be available tomorrow, March 8, but the Good man himself has given ScopiSat and our loyal readers a special exclusive sneak peek.  Take 'Might Like You Better' for a spin, download it, wear it out, and don't forget to come back tomorrow and grab the album HERE for absolutely free. 

  Good Goose - 03 - Might Like You Better (On Druggs!!!) by Scopitone Saturday