HOW IS THIS A THING

No.

Scissor Sisters want you to get it for free - download 5 free tracks from the band

"Very talented people standing in a blue room"

Poor Scissor Sisters. 

Actually no, not poor Scissor Sisters.  Sure, their last album flopped in the UK and Europe, where the American band had found their only success, but now they're upping their game in their homeland with a supporting stint for LADY EFFING GAGA, and that kinda makes up for any amount of floppage no matter how horrifically their latest single crashed and burned (number 81, in case you were wondering).

To get all the Yanks - who have more or less ignored their existence altogether - prepared for their peculiarly awesome brand of funky pop, the group has decided to let everyone get a nice five-track sampler of their tunes for ABSOLUTELY FREE.  Included on it is the actually brilliant 'Invisible Light,' which is being tauted as the track that will turn things around for the band - and it very well might do it, too.  With a NSFW video (titties!) and a killer hook (sing along to titties!), it's certainly well on its way already.

They also did a "clean version" of the video too (no titties :( ), which is understandably far less fun, but we get that some of you out there "work" or whatever, so here it is, 100% boob-free:



And don't forget to download your free sampler HERE

Britney wants you to buy a lot of things in her 'Hold It Against Me' video

"Hmmm...maybe this should have come out two weeks ago"

Leave it to Brit Brit to pull a GENUINELY GOOD video clip out of her dimpled ass right in time for no one to care about it.

Just as everyone stopped giving a crap about 'Hold It Against Me,' Brit has decided to finally chuck out a video for the song.  Unfortunately for her, it's probably not going to get anyone to care about the track again, but fortunately for a number of manufacturing conglomerates, it will get people caring about their products.

It all starts out well enough, with a plug for Brit's own perfume (acceptable) but it quickly escalates into a PROMOTIONAL SHITSHOW with close-ups of a Sony TV (understandable) and the dating site PlentyOfFish (WTH?!).

As for the "plot" of the video, it mostly consists of Brit standing around in some sort of terrifying Japanese computer shop which is playing her old videos for some reason and then participating in a (rather spectacular) fight scene with herself which leaves her bleeding neon paint all over her pretty white wedding dress.

Oh yes, a wedding dress.  For whatever reason Britney is standing in a terrifying Japanese computer superstore IN A WEDDING DRESS.  We presume this is because her wranglers would like everyone to subconsciously believe that, regardless of the head-shaving, poon-flashing and hick-marrying, Brit is once again pure and virginal and.....oh wait she's dancing in black leather with a gay guy.

NEVER MIND.



"AMAZING"

Wait so the Nicole Scherzinger thing is still happening? Watch 'Don't Hold Your Breath's premiere now!

"Not Kim Kardashian"

Nicole Scherzinger has had such a time of it, hasn't she?  First she was TERRIBLY OVERSHADOWED by all those other Pussycat Dolls (this is a joke and we actually mean the opposite of what we said) and then she made some average songs that performed at a WELL BELOW AVERAGE LEVEL (this is NOT a joke).

Well, any dedicated ScopiSat reader - (i.e. the one individual in Sofia, Bulgaria who keeps accessing our site from a prison (!!) ) - will know that it's all turned around a bit for our girl Nikki as of late.  She did that thing with Enrique that charted ok in Europe, and then chucked out the ACTUALLY BRILLIANT 'Poison' which went top 3 in England.

One and a half hits firmly under her body-minimizing belt, and not one to rest on her surgically-augmented laurels, Miss S has decided to follow up 'Poison' with an almost-as-good track called 'Don't Hold Your Breath.'  We were going to do a whole thing about how the title of the song is probably the punchline to an inside joke at the record label that goes something like:

Overpaid Executive 1:  "Do you think Nicole's album will hit number 1?"
Overpaid Executive 2:  "Don't hold your breath!"
Overpaid Executives 1 and 2:  "hahahahaha"

But that would be mean.


Nicole Scherzinger - Don't Hold Your Breath (Official Music)
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"Promising."

The thing that happened on the Grammys that wasn't Lady Gaga falling out of an ovum

Goop

Last night something happened.  You know it, we know it, and everyone else who was watching the Grammys knows it. 

The thing that happened was THIS:



And it was amazing, first for proving that Muppets make EVERYTHING BETTER, but chiefly for allowing us to not hate Gwyneth for a few precious, precious moments.

Thank you Grammys.  Thank you for setting us free.

This is why the Gaga song is crap also why it is amazing

I enjoy the new Lady Gaga track

Yesterday Egyptian Presi-dictator Hosni Mubarek finally stepped down following 18 days of mass uprisings among his people.  Conveniently for him, this happened just moments after the new Lady Gaga single debuted worldwide, so ABSOLUTELY NO ONE NOTICED.

The Gaga track we are referring to, in case you have been in some sort of isolation for the last few months, is called 'Born This Way,' and is all about how no matter how messed up you are it is FINE because you were BORN THAT WAY. 

Off the bat you might notice a problem, as this particular philosophy would allow the Hosni Mubareks of the world to just say "oh I was born this way so you have to deal with my executions and intimidation," but whatever, that's a whole other thing and just illustrates one of our pet peeves about Gaga's 'BE WHO YOU ARE NO MATTER HOW SELFISH AND TWATTISH IT IS' campaign, and it really is best we leave that conversation for another time when we all are drunk.  So to smooth things along let's just all agree to realize that what Lady Gaga is REALLY saying is "you're fine because you were born this way, as long as you fall within my own particular view of social norms and don't eat children or something and also are not Republican or terribly religious." 

So great, the message is super empowering and gay-friendly.  "But what about the music?" you all cry.  Well the easy answer is that it is VERY GOOD but unfortunately there is a giant asterisk after that statement. 

A giant asterisk

See, you might have noticed in the hours since the track's debut that much ink has been spilled over how the song contains the exact same chord progression and, at some points, melody, as Madonna's 'Express Yourself.'  And don't get us wrong - that was a great song and anything that tips its hat to it is fine by us.  But 'Born' goes so much farther than just a wink and a nod, and therein lies its one terrible flaw.

When the general population over 30 (and gays over about 20) listen to 'Born This Way,' they can't help but hear 'Express Yourself' in their head.  So, fair or not, the track is constantly being mentally compared to a 20-year-old bona fide classic.  Judged on its own, 'Born' is a sleek and powerful jam with a killer hook and even killer-ier verses.  But stacked up against its predecessor it all starts to fall apart: 

First, 'Express Yourself' is so much more clever, lyrically, that it kind of isn't even worth comparing the two.  For instance, the chorus of 'Born' is essentially Lady Gaga saying 'born this way' over and over again to the point it becomes a bit tedious and comes off at least A LITTLE BIT LAZY, while Madonna managed to shove an entire poetic discourse on empowerment into her chorus. (insert joke about Madonna managing to shove a lot of things into...NEVER MIND)

Second, the production on the two couldn't be more different, and again, Gaga's comes out as the definite loser.  Not because it is bad, mind you - the production is actually pretty spectacular.  But, the Lady chose to go the "SOUND OF NOW" route which all too quickly becomes "THE SOUND OF TEN MINUTES AGO" and eventually becomes "THE SOUND OF DATED AND TERRIBLE THINGS."  On the other end of the spectrum we have Madonna, who crafted a track that took a classic sound and molded it to her needs, in the process creating a timeless song that sounds as fresh today as it did in 1989.  It has an old school, organic sound which pretty much will never go out of style - and Madonna certainly knew that.  'Born This Way,' on the other hand, has synths that will sound outdated in 2 years, and production that is gimmicky and will be beat to death by every other artist trying to replicate her success.  Long story short:  'Express Yourself' was timeless, and 'Born This Way' is so of the moment that it's almost frightening.

We really could go on for a while about this, but in the interest of responsible time management - and also not being killed by Gaga's rather terrifying army of obsessive "Monsters," we are going to go ahead and skip to our 2 GIANT CAVEATS that render all of the preceding text essentially pointless:

First: 'BORN THIS WAY' IS AMAZING.

So amazing that it's actually a shame that it so blatantly conjures up Madonna's track at all, because compared with most of the trash that is on the radio these days it's a giant leap forward.  But, when you're taking on a classic, you'd better make damn sure you improve on it, and this time Gaga just didn't. 

Second: At the end of the day, the musical and lyrical content of 'Born' really isn't even the point.  It's not one of those songs that is supposed to stand the test of time and become a classic for decades to come.  It's a song that is supposed to announce something and make a statement, and in its own tiny way make everything seem just slightly different somehow. 

And that, ScopiSubjects, is where 'Born This Way' triumphs over everything.  Love it or hate it, the instant the track debuted the world turned into an ACTUALLY DIFFERENT PLACE.  It became a world where 'Born This Way' is what everything must sound like.  Where people write articles about whether Gaga ripped off Madonna, or one-upped her, or if the two really are in on it together and are one day going to erupt out of a stage at an awards show and do a mashup of the two tracks and then scissor.  It's a world here producers scramble to figure out just what Gaga's people did to get "that sound," and where we've heard a track that is so of the moment that it actually DEFINES that moment.

And at the end of the day, that's really how 'Born' should be judged.  It did what it came to do, and it did it in style.  Gaga has plenty of time to pull a new classic out of her meat dress, and if history is any indication, we're pretty sure she's not going to have any problem doing it.  But for now we can sit back, enjoy a QUITE-ABOVE-AVERAGE rip off of 'Express Yourself,' and rest soundly in the knowledge that somewhere on the tip of the Sinai Peninsula, Ex-President Hosni Mubarek is sitting in a Barcalounger, surrounded by guards, popping in his iPod earphones and singing softly to himself:

"I was born this way."

Leighton Meester is still trying to be a singer - get a FREE DOWNLOAD of her new club track!

There is always "the ugly sister"

Ok we just want to say right off the bat that we know the Gaga single is coming on Friday, and yes we are all excited and are readying the shrines at which we will worship its presumed musical genius.  BUT until Friday we all just have to KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON and accept that somewhere, somehow, other things are happening.  This is one of those things.  

Leighton Meester's EPIC TAKEOVER OF POPULAR MUSIC didn't really go to plan - that is, unless the plan was to sell no copies whatsoever of her own material, do a very good song with a very bad band, and then do a terrible movie about terrible country music with the world's most terribly annoying actress.  And we're guessing it was not.  But, undeterred, Miss Meester has decided to forge ahead with her musical exploits...because what else is she going to do with her "Gossip Girl" money?

Leighton has - perhaps wisely - decided to go a little dancy with her new material, and we have to say we're all about it for several reasons.  First, it's a smart move, as her only real hit, 'Good Girls Go Bad' with 3OH!Wretched Cobra Starship was pretty much a club track at the end of the day, so it's what she's known for (if she's known for music at all, which, let's face it, she is NOT).  Second, niche genres are easy and cheap to promote, as they have a built-in audience and very specific promo networks.  Accordingly, if the last few years have taught failed pop divas anything, it's "when you flop, you go either country or dance."

Yes.  We're looking at you, Jewel, Kelly Rowland, and Jessica Simpson. 

The problem with Leighton is that she never really had any success to begin with, so she doesn't have a career to resuscitate.  So while Kelly got to work with David Guetta and Jewel and Jessica worked with some top-notch country songwriters, LM is stuck with something called a Clinton Sparks who is apparently a cheaper version of Pitbull but even less bangable.  (sad face emoticon)

That's not to say her new material is going to be bad - in fact, we're kind of digging her new track with DJ Sparks.  But Leighton's going to need something pretty spectacular to break out, and we're just not convinced 'Front Cut' is it:

Leighton Meester - Front Cut by tawdry

Spectacular? No.  A worthy addition to an iPod?  Yes. So head over to Clinton's website and download the track now for FREE.

Lady Gaga and Elton John duet on 'Hello Hello' - listen now!

You smell like Ke$ha

Elton John is many things.  Bloated boozebag.  Glitter queen.  Gifted musician.  And now he's for some reason he's decided to add "Animated Filmmaker" to his long, long resume. 

He and partner David Furnish have a musical adventure coming out this month called 'Gnomeo and Juliet' (see what they did there) and it looks super fun in a Shrekky kind of way.  More fun, though, is the news that the film will include a - wait for it - DUET BETWEEN ELTON JOHN AND LADY GAGA. 

We know.  We're excited too.

The track is called 'Hello Hello' and it is a ballady thing that clearly accompanies some poignant moment in the film, where something happens for some reason, and we all know to be sad about it because the music is slow and somber. 

We'd love to play you the song in all its Gaga glory, but there's a bit of a hitch regarding that.  While the duet track will feature in the film itself, the soundtrack album will inexplicably contain an Elton-only version.

Because that makes sense.

Anyway, here's a dodgy copy of the Gaga-John version.  To be fair it doesn't sound that interesting anyway so we're probably not missing much.  We probably could have told you that at the beginning of the article and saved us all some time, but whatever.  Here's 'Hello Hello.'

Elton John & Lady Gaga - Hello, Hello (Preview) by gagadaily