Nicole Scherzinger has had such a time of it, hasn't she? First she was TERRIBLY OVERSHADOWED by all those other Pussycat Dolls (this is a joke and we actually mean the opposite of what we said) and then she made some average songs that performed at a WELL BELOW AVERAGE LEVEL (this is NOT a joke).
Well, any dedicated ScopiSat reader - (i.e. the one individual in Sofia, Bulgaria who keeps accessing our site from a prison (!!) ) - will know that it's all turned around a bit for our girl Nikki as of late. She did that thing with Enrique that charted ok in Europe, and then chucked out the ACTUALLY BRILLIANT 'Poison' which went top 3 in England.
One and a half hits firmly under her body-minimizing belt, and not one to rest on her surgically-augmented laurels, Miss S has decided to follow up 'Poison' with an almost-as-good track called 'Don't Hold Your Breath.' We were going to do a whole thing about how the title of the song is probably the punchline to an inside joke at the record label that goes something like:
Overpaid Executive 1: "Do you think Nicole's album will hit number 1?"
Overpaid Executive 2: "Don't hold your breath!"
Overpaid Executives 1 and 2: "hahahahaha"
Last night something happened. You know it, we know it, and everyone else who was watching the Grammys knows it.
The thing that happened was THIS:
And it was amazing, first for proving that Muppets make EVERYTHING BETTER, but chiefly for allowing us to not hate Gwyneth for a few precious, precious moments.
Yesterday Egyptian Presi-dictator Hosni Mubarek finally stepped down following 18 days of mass uprisings among his people. Conveniently for him, this happened just moments after the new Lady Gaga single debuted worldwide, so ABSOLUTELY NO ONE NOTICED.
The Gaga track we are referring to, in case you have been in some sort of isolation for the last few months, is called 'Born This Way,' and is all about how no matter how messed up you are it is FINE because you were BORN THAT WAY.
Off the bat you might notice a problem, as this particular philosophy would allow the Hosni Mubareks of the world to just say "oh I was born this way so you have to deal with my executions and intimidation," but whatever, that's a whole other thing and just illustrates one of our pet peeves about Gaga's 'BE WHO YOU ARE NO MATTER HOW SELFISH AND TWATTISH IT IS' campaign, and it really is best we leave that conversation for another time when we all are drunk. So to smooth things along let's just all agree to realize that what Lady Gaga is REALLY saying is "you're fine because you were born this way, as long as you fall within my own particular view of social norms and don't eat children or something and also are not Republican or terribly religious."
So great, the message is super empowering and gay-friendly. "But what about the music?" you all cry. Well the easy answer is that it is VERY GOOD but unfortunately there is a giant asterisk after that statement.
A giant asterisk
See, you might have noticed in the hours since the track's debut that much ink has been spilled over how the song contains the exact same chord progression and, at some points, melody, as Madonna's 'Express Yourself.' And don't get us wrong - that was a great song and anything that tips its hat to it is fine by us. But 'Born' goes so much farther than just a wink and a nod, and therein lies its one terrible flaw.
When the general population over 30 (and gays over about 20) listen to 'Born This Way,' they can't help but hear 'Express Yourself' in their head. So, fair or not, the track is constantly being mentally compared to a 20-year-old bona fide classic. Judged on its own, 'Born' is a sleek and powerful jam with a killer hook and even killer-ier verses. But stacked up against its predecessor it all starts to fall apart:
First, 'Express Yourself' is so much more clever, lyrically, that it kind of isn't even worth comparing the two. For instance, the chorus of 'Born' is essentially Lady Gaga saying 'born this way' over and over again to the point it becomes a bit tedious and comes off at least A LITTLE BIT LAZY, while Madonna managed to shove an entire poetic discourse on empowerment into her chorus. (insert joke about Madonna managing to shove a lot of things into...NEVER MIND)
Second, the production on the two couldn't be more different, and again, Gaga's comes out as the definite loser. Not because it is bad, mind you - the production is actually pretty spectacular. But, the Lady chose to go the "SOUND OF NOW" route which all too quickly becomes "THE SOUND OF TEN MINUTES AGO" and eventually becomes "THE SOUND OF DATED AND TERRIBLE THINGS." On the other end of the spectrum we have Madonna, who crafted a track that took a classic sound and molded it to her needs, in the process creating a timeless song that sounds as fresh today as it did in 1989. It has an old school, organic sound which pretty much will never go out of style - and Madonna certainly knew that. 'Born This Way,' on the other hand, has synths that will sound outdated in 2 years, and production that is gimmicky and will be beat to death by every other artist trying to replicate her success. Long story short: 'Express Yourself' was timeless, and 'Born This Way' is so of the moment that it's almost frightening.
We really could go on for a while about this, but in the interest of responsible time management - and also not being killed by Gaga's rather terrifying army of obsessive "Monsters," we are going to go ahead and skip to our 2 GIANT CAVEATS that render all of the preceding text essentially pointless:
First: 'BORN THIS WAY' IS AMAZING.
So amazing that it's actually a shame that it so blatantly conjures up Madonna's track at all, because compared with most of the trash that is on the radio these days it's a giant leap forward. But, when you're taking on a classic, you'd better make damn sure you improve on it, and this time Gaga just didn't.
Second: At the end of the day, the musical and lyrical content of 'Born' really isn't even the point. It's not one of those songs that is supposed to stand the test of time and become a classic for decades to come. It's a song that is supposed to announce something and make a statement, and in its own tiny way make everything seem just slightly different somehow.
And that, ScopiSubjects, is where 'Born This Way' triumphs over everything. Love it or hate it, the instant the track debuted the world turned into an ACTUALLY DIFFERENT PLACE. It became a world where 'Born This Way' is what everything must sound like. Where people write articles about whether Gaga ripped off Madonna, or one-upped her, or if the two really are in on it together and are one day going to erupt out of a stage at an awards show and do a mashup of the two tracks and then scissor. It's a world here producers scramble to figure out just what Gaga's people did to get "that sound," and where we've heard a track that is so of the moment that it actually DEFINES that moment.
And at the end of the day, that's really how 'Born' should be judged. It did what it came to do, and it did it in style. Gaga has plenty of time to pull a new classic out of her meat dress, and if history is any indication, we're pretty sure she's not going to have any problem doing it. But for now we can sit back, enjoy a QUITE-ABOVE-AVERAGE rip off of 'Express Yourself,' and rest soundly in the knowledge that somewhere on the tip of the Sinai Peninsula, Ex-President Hosni Mubarek is sitting in a Barcalounger, surrounded by guards, popping in his iPod earphones and singing softly to himself:
Ok we just want to say right off the bat that we know the Gaga single is coming on Friday, and yes we are all excited and are readying the shrines at which we will worship its presumed musical genius. BUT until Friday we all just have to KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON and accept that somewhere, somehow, other things are happening. This is one of those things.
Leighton Meester's EPIC TAKEOVER OF POPULAR MUSIC didn't really go to plan - that is, unless the plan was to sell no copies whatsoever of her own material, do a very good song with a very bad band, and then do a terrible movie about terrible country music with the world's most terribly annoying actress. And we're guessing it was not. But, undeterred, Miss Meester has decided to forge ahead with her musical exploits...because what else is she going to do with her "Gossip Girl" money?
Leighton has - perhaps wisely - decided to go a little dancy with her new material, and we have to say we're all about it for several reasons. First, it's a smart move, as her only real hit, 'Good Girls Go Bad' with 3OH!Wretched Cobra Starship was pretty much a club track at the end of the day, so it's what she's known for (if she's known for music at all, which, let's face it, she is NOT). Second, niche genres are easy and cheap to promote, as they have a built-in audience and very specific promo networks. Accordingly, if the last few years have taught failed pop divas anything, it's "when you flop, you go either country or dance."
Yes. We're looking at you, Jewel, Kelly Rowland, and Jessica Simpson.
The problem with Leighton is that she never really had any success to begin with, so she doesn't have a career to resuscitate. So while Kelly got to work with David Guetta and Jewel and Jessica worked with some top-notch country songwriters, LM is stuck with something called a Clinton Sparks who is apparently a cheaper version of Pitbull but even less bangable. (sad face emoticon)
That's not to say her new material is going to be bad - in fact, we're kind of digging her new track with DJ Sparks. But Leighton's going to need something pretty spectacular to break out, and we're just not convinced 'Front Cut' is it:
Elton John is many things. Bloated boozebag. Glitter queen. Gifted musician. And now he's for some reason he's decided to add "Animated Filmmaker" to his long, long resume.
He and partner David Furnish have a musical adventure coming out this month called 'Gnomeo and Juliet' (see what they did there) and it looks super fun in a Shrekky kind of way. More fun, though, is the news that the film will include a - wait for it - DUET BETWEEN ELTON JOHN AND LADY GAGA.
We know. We're excited too.
The track is called 'Hello Hello' and it is a ballady thing that clearly accompanies some poignant moment in the film, where something happens for some reason, and we all know to be sad about it because the music is slow and somber.
We'd love to play you the song in all its Gaga glory, but there's a bit of a hitch regarding that. While the duet track will feature in the film itself, the soundtrack album will inexplicably contain an Elton-only version.
Because that makes sense.
Anyway, here's a dodgy copy of the Gaga-John version. To be fair it doesn't sound that interesting anyway so we're probably not missing much. We probably could have told you that at the beginning of the article and saved us all some time, but whatever. Here's 'Hello Hello.'
It's hoedown at the OGay Corral, and EVERYONE is invited. Except for any black people.
Yes, that's right, it's time for your Saturday Scopitone, and this week is a doozy.
'For You' comes to us - through the glittery haze of time - from a pair of class acts by the names of Freddie Bell and Roberta Linn. Freddie, as part of early rock band Freddie Bell and the Bellboys (see what they did there) was actually the inspiration for Elvis to record his smash 'Hounddog,' after Mr. Presley saw the group play it in one of their shows. They never really got far in their home country, but outside the US they had a few hits. Roberta, on the other hand, is the self-proclaimed "BEST FRIEND A SONG EVER HAD," according to her website, and I think we can all agree that this statement - even just in and of itself - is AMAZING. Other than that we really can't tell you much about her though, since she doesn't have a Wikipedia page and we can't be bothered to do any actual research.
The two united on a number of tracks, but the real highlight (citation needed) of their career was this baby right here. It's all about cowboys giving it to each other or something.
Don't get us wrong, we heart Shakira super hard no matter what genre she's thrusting her tiny pelvis along to. But, we are also of the firm opinion that nothing she's done since the turn of the century can hold a candle to 1998's 'Donde Estan Los Ladrones?' album. Because it was AMAZING.
Sure, she got hotter since then (awesome), and a LOT more flexible (terrifying), but we've always felt that her English-language musical path wasn't really 100% HER (read: 100% what we, in particular, demanded of her). Obviously she's an artist and blah blah so she wants to experiment with genres and blah blah, but up until now she's kind of avoided doing exactly what made her genius in the first place - guitar driven rock with a pop edge and a killer hook. Sure she's always had that base to her songs, but then they're always thrown together with some trendy "authentic street cred" for the American market by incorporating "ClassiKrunk" or something equally nonsensical.
Anyhoodle, our favorite incarnation of Shakira is thankfully back in full force on her new track 'Sale El Sol,' which features LITERALLY RAD electric guitar powerchords and a straight up hook. Also the song has a video in which our sassy starlet gets to wear a GIANT DRESS, so it's obviously very good too.
Here's something about Britney from Britney's people. It basically talks about Britney in a way that makes her seem awesome and then says some stuff about her new album before talking about how super she is again. We're going to let the self-congratulation go because, to be quite frank, no one has ever written a press release about us and so we're really not ones to talk, and also we'd very much like to not alienate the whole of the "press-release-writing" union just in case it happens sometime in the future.
There is, however, still the matter of the album artwork which is alternatively AMAZING and SHIT depending on which part of the record cover you are looking at. To illustrate:
AMAZING
SHIT
Because Britney is obviously VERY CLEVER, we can only assume that the juxtaposition of these extremes is quite on purpose, as a sort of preview of how the album is going to be. So, going off the cover art ratio, we are forced to conclude that the album is going to be 63% BRILLIANT and 37% TREMENDOUSLY BAD, which will slot it in very nicely above 'Circus' but below 'Blackout' in the list of Top 3 Greatest Britney Albums.
Here's the press release:
Britney Spears New Album Titled “Femme Fatale” – Official Press Release
New York, NY – Britney Spears announces her seventh studio album is titled Femme Fatale. The iconic global superstar’s title Femme Fatale is a tribute to bold, empowered, confident, elusive, fun, flirty women and men. It’s not a conceptual album, Spears is letting the music speak for itself. She’s worked hard on it for two years and she considers it to be her “best album to date,” true to where she is now personally and professionally.
Femme Fatale (Jive Records) is executive produced by Max Martin and Dr. Luke. Spears is peerless among her contemporaries. Throughout the years, Britney has consistently released hit after hit for over a decade, selling close to 70 million albums cumulatively worldwide.
Few artists have earned the distinction of having five No.1 debut albums, and 24 Top 40 hits. She most recently set a new one-day precedent for single sales with her current No. 1 hit song, “Hold It Against Me.”
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