Alesha exposes 'Every Little Part of Me' ft Jay Sean - watch the premiere now!

Are you paying too much for YOUR car insurance?

It's no secret we have a little love affair with former Mis-Teeq member/failed solo artist/Strictly Come Dancing champion/successful solo artist Alesha Dixon.  It was super exciting when she finally capitalized on her Dancing win with a Platinum album and mega hits 'The Boy Does Nothing' and 'Breathe Slow,' but since then things have.....not gone terribly well.

Her third album (her second as an ACTUALLY POPULAR PERSON) 'The Entertainer' came out earlier this year, slid off the bruised and broken back off its disastrous lead single 'Drummer Boy,' and collapsed into a heap of sequins and broken dreams with a dainty thud.

At number 84.

At that point any other artist would probably get told off by their record company, spend their liquid assets on drugs, and have their agent start shilling a reality show to one of MTV's satellite stations.  But not our girl Alesha.  No, Miss Dixon stared down "the haters" and hauled out the heavy artillery for a big-ass relaunch in the form of 'Every Little Part of Me.'

The song features no less than Jay Sean, who had some hits once, and it (thankfully) is pretty listenable in a poor-man's-Rihanna kind of way.  All in all, it's probably the song that should have served as the lead single, but that's all in the past and there's no changing it now even though some poor recently-unemployed record exec is probably drinking himself to sleep right now wishing that he could.

For its part, the video is alternatively BRILLIANT and INCOMPREHENSIBLY BAD, and quite often is both all at the same time.  It's not that it's terrible quality or anything, it's just that it commits one of the cardinal sins of music videos by raising far more questions than it answers.  For instance:

1.  Why is Alesha dancing in a parking garage in a ball gown?  Is this some sort of creepy audition for an "independent film" where the director just wants to "see you dance"?  Because we've been on those auditions and let us tell you - those movies NEVER end up getting the financing to actually get started.

2.  Why are Alesha and Jay wearing scarves over their faces in order to, presumably, commit some crime without exposing their identities?  In case they haven't read the news lately, the authorities can see your ovaries through your clothes if they want to.  And it's not like they are wearing full face masks anyway - their eyes are completely exposed.  And if prime time television has taught us ANYTHING it's that any dumbass with a computer can pull CCTV footage and say the word "enhance" over and over until a crystal clear image shows up and gets run through a database that inexplicably contains the headshots of everyone who has ever lived.  Maybe, you posit, it is chilly where they are?  Yes, this could be it, but none of the principal players' other clothing suggests this, so we're left with our original preposition that Alesha and Jay's characters are well-dressed-but-not-very-good criminals of some sort, stealing something, for some reason that we are supposed to care about but don't.  In scarves.

3.  Why is it 'To Be Continued?'  They were arrested.  Is the next installment going to detail their trip through the penal system?  Or will they somehow escape from TWO DOZEN HEAVILY ARMED POLICEMEN?  It seems highly unlikely, don't you think?  Also, we don't care.  Just end the damn thing. You're not Lady Gaga.

Perhaps the biggest question this whole thing raises, though, is whether this rather obvious attack on our senses will resurrect Alesha's career.  It certainly has the stench of "last chance"-ness about it, so here's hoping it at least improves on her last single's #46 placing.  Otherwise Alesha won't be able to get arrested anymore. :-(

Kid Sister (who is NOT Nikki Minaj) is giving it away for free - get the FREE mixtape download now!

She chose this shot because it is slimming.

Kid Sister chucked out a quite listenable tune called 'Right Hand Hi' a long time ago and then, judging by her public profile over the last few months, went to the spa for about a year or so. 

Luckily they appear to have had a rather advanced recording studio at whatever spa it was, and Miss Sister was able to lay down some tracks in between mud baths or whatever the hell goes on in those places.  She's actually worked with some pretty great people, and her stuff isn't half bad.  But once you've been the "next big thing" and then disappeared, it's hard to get that momentum back.  Especially when that Nikki Minaj thing kinda stole your thunder...

Anyhow, for those of you who don't remember (i.e. ALL OF YOU), this is what 'Right Hand Hi' was like:

Not bad, eh?  Well if you'd like some more things that sound like that but slightly different, here's a link to a whole bunch of Nikki Mina...er, Kid Sister tunes:

 

"Generous"

Everything about the new Ricky Martin is terrible. Watch the premiere now (or don't)

How many pesos to lose the speedo?

Ok we already talked about how absolutely dire the new Ricky Martin single is (think Jack Johnson if his music were written by a committee of old people who "don't get this new fangled jibber jab they play on the radio" and also don't speak English particularly well).  Also Ricky's voice is completely wrong for the style he's attempting. 

We were reserving our judgment for the whole project until we saw the video, but, having watched the premiere, we can now confirm with complete confidence that NOTHING ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IS GOOD.

Some issues:

1.  It's not 2002.  White backgrounds behind beautiful children with "natural makeup" are best left to old-school VH1 and cancer-charity videos. 
2.  We get it.  You're gay.  You don't have to cram it down our throats (heh).  Seriously, this onslought of gayness would be like Ellen saying "I'm Gay" on the cover of People, and then immediately following it up with an hourlong primetime special during which she does nothing but scissor a local women's soccer team.
3.  The video does not distract us enough from how wretched the song is.  It needs flashing lights.  And colors.  And flashing colored lights.  Or puppies.  Flashing puppies, preferably.  Even nudity would be fine.  And yeah, we know, he gets his shirt off in this clip, but we saw more than this when he was doing yoga on the beach with his "companion" back before he liked it up the butt.
4.  Coming out (heh) with a song about how happy you are only makes everyone think you're trying awfully hard to convince everyone you're happy.

He's still pretty though.



:(

Kylie's coming to North America!

Before you die, you see the ring

So it's finally official, K-Mo is going to once again grace the continent of North America with her goddess-like presence.  The show will be scaled down from the worldwide version, to fit in the smaller venues at which she's playing, but as her last NA tour showed, smaller isn't necessarily worse.  

In any case, if you feel like clawing through some gays to get a glimpse of the PRINCESS OF EVERYTHING, AMEX cardholders can get tickets from 10am Friday on, and general on-sale is Jan 14 at 10am.  

Aphrodite ‘Les Folies’ North American tour dates:
Apr 28 Montreal at Bell Centre
Apr 29 Boston, MA at Agganis Arena
Apr 30 Washington, D.C. at GMU Patriot Center
May 02 New York, NY at Hammerstein Ballroom
May 03 New York, NY at Hammerstein Ballroom
May 06 Atlanta, GA at Fox Theatre
May 07 Fort Lauderdale, FL at BankAtlantic Center
May 08 Orlando, FL at Hard Rock Live Orlando
May 10 Houston, TX at Verizon Wireless Theatre
May 18 Dallas, TX at Verizon Theatre at Grand Prairie
May 20 Los Angeles, CA at Hollywood Bowl
May 21 San Francisco, CA at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium
May 22 Las Vegas, NV at Colosseum at Caesar’s Palace

"yay"

The ACTUAL new Britney is RIGHT HERE - listen now!

If i don't hold it, my weave will come off :(

The other day we chucked up a guide vocal demo of Britney's new 'Hold It Against Me.'  It was alright.  Like, not terrible, and we could certainly see it being played ont he radio and such, but it was nothing that reached out and grabbed us. 

Oh how a few days can change things.  Brit's version of the song has just shown up on the interwebs, and we're pleased to report it is a billion times better than the one we'd already heard.  It's BIGGER, STRONGER, FASTER and BRITNIER.

Mmm.  Britnier.

It's Scopitone Saturday! Watch Brook Benton's inexplicable 'Mother Nature, Father Time' clip

It's Scopitone Saturday! 

For this Saturday Scopitone posting, we've chosen a video that illustrates exactly why the format was absolutely brilliant in a way that will not, and can not, ever be replicated.

This clip is a mind-blowing masterpiece of incongruity.  It features the "title characters" Mother Nature (who apparently is just a whore in a bonnet) and Father Time (her pimp?), a giant globe, some hastily-constructed backdrops, and some go-go dancers seizing wildly in time to what is apparently a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG than the one playing.

In short, it's a delight from start to finish, and everyone involved in this production should be very, very proud.

Champagne all around. 



"Amazing."

Sky Ferreira singing something produced by Frankmusik? "Yes, please"! - listen now!

I'm not Lourdes, you assholes

Sky Ferreira, the totally underage, totally next big thing, was supposed to conquer the world on 1-11-11, when her debut album was - until recently - scheduled to be released.  Of course, not a lot of details of that original plan are available, but we have it from a reliable source that the original plot was pretty much to sell millions of downloads which would somehow turn each computer in the world into an autonomous battle machine, all of which would then unite together in battle to crush the human race and replace it with an all-powerful network of autotune plugins and install Ke$ha as Queen of the Robots until she died of raging syphilis. 

Fortunately for us that's not happening.  Instead, Sky has gone back into the studio to do some new tracks for the LP, because she's "grown musically," which actually means "the record company said my singles flopped so now I'm grounded [sad face emoticon] LOL"  etc.

We're kind of okay with that, though, since it gives the budding starlet some time to pull something genius out of her ass and live up to her MESSIAH-LIKE POTENTIAL.  Besides, it's not like she doesn't have time.  She's got a good 3 years before she has to begin her drug-fueled downward spiral and have a lesbian affair with Snooki for publicity.  And it's not like Ke$ha has anywhere to be.  In fact, this is probably good for her.  It gives us a chance to develop better and better Treponema pallidum (look it up) treatments before the robots kill off all the scientists.

Anyway, here's something to tide us all over - a good-but-not-spectacular tune produced by ScopiSat fave Frankmusik.  It's a lot more downtempo than her previous songs which is fine we guess.  But we can't help feeling like a race of self-actualized machines could probably come up with something better....



"whatever."

Kylie reveals details about what is being called the "biggest and best music show in history" - spoilers inside!

This is what it looks like when 50,000 gay men climax over their favorite pop diva

So Kylie FINALLY decided to tell everyone some details about her upcoming 'Les Folies' tour.  And - no shock here - it is going to best everything that has ever come before it, including Madonna's and Britney's shows, and even acts like U2.  It's shaping up to be the most intricate and spectacular pop show of all time and that's not even coming from us.  I mean, we totally are sure it is, but we're a little biased so we're probably not the best source of objective information.

Anyhow, K-Mo spoonfed her fans tiny tidbits in a series of "facts" posted on her Facebook page, and we have compiled them below.

Enjoy, ScopiSubjects.

FACT 1: The Les Folies tour will have the most technologically advanced and extravagant stage that has ever been built to date.
FACT 2: The tour will have 20 trucks. 10 trucks alone are going to transport the stage.
FACT 3: The stage is made of more than 1 million movable parts.
FACT 4: The stage will have seven lifts and is the best, most complex and exceptional stage that has ever been built for a venue.
ACT 5: The lighting design consists of more than 600 light sources.
FACT 6: The worldwide unique “Wet Zone” is making it possible for the audience to experience a brand new 4D show!
FACT 7: The developers of the water show at Bellagio and the Disney California Adventure theme parks are creating the water elements of the Les Folies tour. (Examples of their work here.)
FACT 8: During the show water-jets will shoot water up to 30 metres high.
FACT 9: The crew consists of more than 120 people, including 20 background dancers, musical artists and air acrobats
FACT 10: Approximately 200 costumes will be shown during the show.
FACT 11: To transport the artists quickly from A to B, a special “Fly System” has been developed which is inspired by the Spiderman Theatrical Show from Broadway.
FACT 12: The stage will look like the picture above…
FACT 13: The total weight of the stage equipment totals 45 tons.
FACT 14: The whole stage plus equipment is worth $25,000,000 US!
FACT 15: The stage has been designed by the RoadRage Group.
FACT 16: The stage is being assembled and built by TAIT Towers of Limit, the world’s biggest and best stage building company.
FACT 17: The lighting design has been created by Nick Whitehouse, who already worked with Kylie on her 2009 North American tour and KylieX2008 tour!

"ACTUALLY AMAZING"