We love Kelly Rowland. We want to be clear about that up front.
We also are not blind, and we are certainly not deaf. Which means that despite all our love for Miss K, we are fully aware that she IS NOT BEYONCE.
That fact was on full display when K-Ro took to the stage at the UK X-Factor with a medley of her biggest upbeat hits, but bless her heart, she certainly did try her ass off didn't she.
Her vocals are a little wobbly, the choreography isn't spectacular, and she ends up looking a bit more like one of the X-Factor contestants than one of the superstars who frequent its stage, but Kelly's always had something about her that we just love nonetheless.
Unfortunately, the general populous doesn't feel the same way, as her latest album bombed at #56 in the UK this week.
WTF, Lana Del Rey. We get that you got you are all artsy and "real" even though you plumped up your lips like they were past-their-prime couch cushions. And we get that your "Video Games" track was pretty decent. But first, your new song "Born To Die" is a crappy hipster pastiche of 60's suicide-pop, and second and most importantly, what in the fresh hell do you think you're doing with this "video"?
As Gawker (which we affectionately call "Gayker" because it is clearly run by fabulously snarky homosexuals) pointed out, when searching for the track on YouTube, there are tons of links to the "OFFICIAL VIDEO" which is TERRIBLY MISLEADING because it is not a real video at all, rather a clip of Lana naked hugging some skanky fauxhemian and mugging for the camera. Then, at the bottom, there is a little text box that says "OFFICIAL VIDEO COMING SOON."
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE.
We were just barely on board when the whole "lyric video" thing started, because since a good number of people "watch their music" on YouTube nowadays, it made sense to do something different than just chucking up a still of the artist while a track played.
We even can get down with the endless "teasers" that artists trickle out of their creative teats as of late. We like to be teased, and if it's good enough for movies it's good enough for music videos.
But no. You can't just release a "music video" and then tell people "OH JUST KIDDING THIS ISN'T REALLY THE MUSIC VIDEO, I'LL BE DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR THAT." And you certainly shouldn't be setting a precedent that this is the thing to be done to create buzz for a Credible New Artiste (tm).
That's bullshit, Lana Del Rey. And your boyfriend looks like he smells.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR SINGLE DID BETTER THAN MINE?"
Whatever are we to do with poor Nicola. Poor, poor Nicola.
She's not poor, of course, as her "makeup for gingers" sells quite well and also she was IN FUCKING GIRLS ALOUD. But if her solo career was all we were going on, we'd have to say she was quite poorly indeed.
Her first track, 'Beat Of My Drum,' despite being balls-to-the-wall brilliant and essentially being a better version of Madonna's big comeback single only recorded and released several months earlier, landed with a thud at #27 in the UK. Then, her big followup - the Dragonette (!!) penned 'Lucky Day' - fared even worse down at #40. Sure the album cracked the top 20, but it's the UK for chrissake. It's not like it's that difficult.
But none of that unfortunateness will deter our little red minx. No, Nicola soldiers bravely on in true British fashion, with a brand new video for 'Yo-Yo.' It's a very good song, but like her other VERY GOOD SONGS, it will probably do absolutely nothing on the charts. It's quite nice of her to give us a video clip for it, though, don't we think? (Yes.)
The video features a party, a crushed velvet dress, and also an ACTUAL YO-YO.
Ok so we just found out about The Pierces like 2 days ago from ScopiSubject Derek, and already the duo is chucking out RATHER AMAZING videos featuring RATHER ATTRACTIVE men. To be fair, the band - which consists of two sisters - has had what most indie acts would call a "banner year," so it's not like they came out of nowhere, but the buzz surrounding them has certainly reached an apparent critical mass.
Born in Alabama in the 70's, the pair of girls(Ed: NO ONE CARES, MOVE ON) The duo do very good pop music and that's all that really matters. Our extensive Wikipedia-ing told us a great deal about the band, most importantly that what they do is called "psychedelic folk rock" which in our mind is pretty much just Madonna's 'Don't Tell Me' played really slowly after a night of tripping on cough medicine, but we suppose it could actually be a real music genre too.
In any case, the girls are stylish, the video is appropriately low-budget and grimey (and starts quite brilliantly with the refrain of Irving Berlin's 'Sisters'), and as a bonus there's a hot tattooed male model in it. Also the video is for a pretty decent tune as well, so that's always a plus.
Ok look, Beyonce. We know you're pregnant. We know you have "other things" to think about. But that really doesn't mean you should start slacking on your day job. Which, judging from your latest video, is exactly what you've begun to do. We know some record exec told you that in today's "new model" you have to have new product out every two and a half days, but like you, we're hoping this is a passing fad.
Because until then, decent pop stars like you will be forced to trot out boring crap like this, which serves only to distract us from the LITERALLY AMAZING things you've taken actual time and care in putting together, like the 'Countdown' video that everyone loved for about ten minutes and then forgot about.
Also, when the hell did you shoot this? You're obviously not "showing" in this clip, which means it was filmed quite some time ago. Did you just film budget videos for every single song on your album and then sit on them like a fabulously sassy bird on a stash of eggs? Because if so, maybe this is one you should have "accidentally kicked out of the nest" during a particularly active nightmare if you know what we're saying.
Do you? Do you know what we're saying, Beyonce?
Because we're saying it's crap.
So stop being pregnant or whatever your problem is and get back to making amazing videos because having to write mean things about you makes us sad and WE DO NOT LIKE TO BE SAD.
So last night something happened and we all know it happened and we might as well just talk about it.
That something was the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving special and it was nonsense. Not nonsense in that it was bad, but nonsense in that it even exists in the first place.
First off, let's get this out of the way: Gaga is ridiculously talented. She can sing. She can dance. She holds her own singing jazz songs with goddamn Tony Bennett, for chrissake. But the woman is also batshit insane, and not in the "oh-em-gee my outfits are made of meat, you guys" way. She is batshit in the "I wholeheartedly believe that all of America gives a crap about all of this" way.
It kicked off well enough, to be fair, with a straightforward performance of 'Lady Is A Tramp' with Tony Bennett. We say straightforward, but with Gaga that means "Tony sang while Gaga made weird faces and seized," but it was good and fun and got things off to a good start.
Then, friends, it "TOOK A TURN."
"a turn."
All of a sudden we were meant to care about whatever neural misfire Miss G was having at the time, and had to listen to a bunch of stories for no reason. She did some things and said some things that for whatever reason must have seemed interesting at the time, and then she cooked chicken and waffles with a chef on national television while wearing some seriously fierce couture, BECAUSE OF COURSE.
Things looked up again, thankfully, when she sang some more and danced some more, and then she sat down with Katie Couric for a KIND-OF-PAINFUL-TO-WATCH interview and plopped a giant fabric strawberry on her head and tried to pretend like it was completely normal, because in Gaga's world that is just the way things are done so fuck you.
Now, full disclosure: after the Couric interview we tuned out a bit because by that point we had done some (a lot of) tequila shots, so we can't say a whole lot about the last 20 minutes or so, but from what we remember, taken all together it was an oddly appropriate-feeling special.
It was traditional with a twist and - even though it got its ratings ass handed to it by last night's airing of 'The Big Bang Theory' - probably managed to get a few more grandmas in the midwest on board the Gaga train. Because if there's one thing midwest grandmas like, it's a show in which the star self-servingly does all the things that she knows midwest grandmas will like.
Sure, she looked amazing, sang amazing, and managed to hit on an oddly appropriate tone for the holiday, which really is what Gaga is about - taking our preconceptions of something and twisting them into her own grotesque interpretation of them. But every time she spoke, the whole thing took this air of entitlement and posturing about it that we just couldn't get past until she started singing again.
But good for Lady Gaga. We came in to the special expecting to hate it and left only hating the parts where she was herself. Our 90 minutes with her confirmed once and for all that she is a brilliant musician, fashion icon, and performer, and also that we never, ever want to hang out with her. And that was what made the special a success in the end. It was meant to give us a glimpse into Gaga's softer, real-er side, and it did just that - it's just that Gaga's soft, real side is completely insane and self-involved.
And we wouldn't expect any less.
Our personal favorite from the show was, oddly, her completely lip-synced, by-the numbers performance of 'Bad Romance' because no matter what happens ever it will still be one of the best songs in the history of literally everything, and not even the fact that last night saw it performed on what we assume is the set of an upcoming rococo-themed Cascada video can take that away.
If last night you heard a collective gay gasp of diva worship coming from the southern hemisphere, this is probably why. Last night, Kylie debuted her new, much talked-about "orchestral sound" on Australian X-Factor, in the form of an acoustic remake of the hit that made her a star - 'I Should Be So Lucky.'
The whole setup suited K-Mo RATHER WELL, and showcased her voice in spectacular fashion. She was rocking some sort of grandma nightie (because of course) but totally pulled it off (because OF COURSE) and has rarely looked better.
It's a terrific teaser of what we can expect when her full-on orchestral album drops next year (though, Miss Minogue, please take note that we will insist on a remix package that includes a number of disco whistles and at least one poppers-scented donk). Indeed, the only downside is that she's done this track in acoustic form a number (read: A VERY LARGE NUMBER) of times. It's essentially the same arrangement she has been flogging on tour for the last few years, and she's sung the same version almost note for note on a couple tv shows as well. But, TBF, when something is this mindblowingly brilliant, why not run it into the ground?
Ever since Amy Winehouse went to the big rehab in the sky in July, it was inevitable that a number of posthumous releases would emerge, hoping to honor her memory and also cash in on it. Well the first of those arrived yesterday, in the form of lead single 'Our Day Will Come' off the forthcoming 'Lioness: Hidden Treasures' album.
While it would be easy to see any release of Winehouse material as a blatant cash grab, this one at least has the distinction of being the first official one, and the fact that a portion of proceeds from each sale go to the Amy Winehouse Foundation certainly helps soften any criticism.
In fact, it's hard to fault this release for much of anything - it's a pretty song sung by a starlet who was taken too soon. So cash grab or not, thank god there's just a little bit more Amy left out there in the world.
Here is 'Our Day Will Come', featuring a collection of footage from Amy's past videos and shows. As one commenter on the YouTube page said: "It's just such a shame we know she'll never sing this live."
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