These are for real the top 11 of '11

These three things all happened in 2011, but only one was good enough to end up on our list

It's New Years Eve and in a few short hours no one will care about 2011 anymore, and instead will be looking ahead to the gloriousness/apocalypse that is sure to come in 2012.  So we'll save you the big into and instead get right to the good stuff.

Here are the best singles from 2011:

11.  Nicola Roberts - Lucky Day
Before everything went off the rails for Nicola, her handlers picked this Dragonette-penned gem for her second single.  Her first release, 'Beat Of My Drum' stalled at #27 on the UK charts, but everyone was all "oh this could be a total fluke for no logical reason other than that we want to believe it is" and figured 'Lucky' could be just the kind of midtempo corker to turn everything around.  But, while it was easy on the ears and had a simple-but-cute New York City-filmed video in tow, 'Day' ended up being just like everything else Nicola Roberts does - critically loved and commercially ignored.  Chart peak: UK - #37


10. Kylie - Put Your Hands Up (Pete Hammond Remix)
K-Mo's 2011 was largely spent on the road, thrilling European and Australian audiences with a concert tour featuring water jets, a "splash zone" in which fans got wet (from the water, not excitement...hopefully), and an entire ancient Greek temple on stage.  It was universally lauded as a triumph, and set the benchmark for "those other" divas, namely Madge and one Miss Gaga.  The Daily Telegraph even noted that "when it comes to the classier brand of arena kitsch, she, not Lady Gaga, remains supreme authority."  But K-Mo didn't stop there.  In 2011 Kylie traveled to the U.S. for her second-ever North American tour, and put out single 'Put Your Hands Up' as a kind of promo track for her trek.  And her fans lapped it up - the song became her fifth number one on the dance chart in a row in America and for good reason - because it is brilliant.  Chart peak: US Dance - #1



9.  Hyuna - Bubble Pop
Hyuna is a Korean pop star who has been no stranger to success.  As a member of the girlgroup Wonder Girls and then as one of different girlgroup 4Minute, she racked up a sizeable number of hits.  But it was when she finally went solo that she really came into her booty-shaking own.  Like a tiny Korean Beyonce she shimmied and shook her ass off and it paid off in spades.  Her video for the genius 'Bubble Pop' was key in the wave of K- and J- pop awareness sweeping the English-speaking world, and the song ruled any half-decent Fire Island iPod dock for the entire summer.  We're also assuming it sparked a run on "BOY" t-shirts, but we don't have the figures for that handy.  Chart peak: Korea - #4


8.  One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful
So there's this whole "boyband resurgence" thing happening (particularly in the UK) which means quite a few four-and-fivesomes of hot young gentlemen have been thrown at us over the last 12 months.  The Wanted and JLS each solidified their status as the premiere Euro boybands, and set their sights on America -  The Wanted even look like they might make it, as their track 'Glad You Came' is gaining steam in the US.  But it was the adorably earnest barely-legal boys from One Direction who stole the show with their unpretentious brand of pop perfection.  While JLS and The Wanted tried to prove they were SUPER-LEGIT ARTISTES, the third-place runners up of UK X-Factor decided to cut an album and just have fun with it.  'What Makes You Beautiful' was one of the biggest surprises of the year, with its catchy chorus and its almost rebellious refusal to play into the autotune donkfest that pop has become.  And we are all better for having heard it.  Chart peak:  UK - #1, AUS - #8



7.  Wynter Gordon - Buy My Love
There's something about this track that transcends the sort of C-list status Wynter Gordon holds in the pop world.  She first guested on Flo Rida's 'Sugar' and scored a top 5 hit in the States, but then kind of trailed off into "come see me at Splash nightclub tonight at 1am" mediocrity pretty quickly.  Sure, the gays love her, but they're not a hard group to crack if you have access to glitter and cheap amphetamines.  So when 'Buy My Love' made its debut late in the summer, we were a little blown away.  The song's kitschy without being sappy, ironic enough for the hipsters but not in an annoying way, and comes with a rather inspired video.  Which, of course, means it was totally ignored by just about everyone.  Because that's how these things work.  Sadface, etc.   Chart peak:  AUS - #77, US Dance - #7


6.  Adele - Rolling In The Deep
There's not much we need to say about this track.  Its worldwide dominance is undisputed.  Its singer's genius is unchallenged.  The subtle and quietly intense video is pitch-perfect.  And no matter how many times we hear it, 'Rolling' was and will remain, A JAM.  Chart peak:  US - #1, UK - #2, AUS - #3




5.  Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger
Ok so if 'Rolling In The Deep' is one song we don't need to justify making this list, 'Moves Like Jagger' might just be the flip side.  It's gimmicky (the whistle, the presence of Xtina for LITERALLY NO REASON), it's pandering, and the video is weird for several reasons, not the least of which being that they actually stretched the footage of Miss Aguilera so she wouldn't look like she ate a dumptruck on the way to the shoot.  But no one can deny that the song was EVERYWHERE this year, and despite that, we somehow didn't get sick of it.  If anything, we warmed to it a bit more with each listen.  And that's the mark of a real hit, ScopiSubjects.  When this track originally debuted we said no one would remember it in a year.  We've never been more delighted to be proven wrong.  Chart peak:  US - #1, UK - #2, AUS - #2


4.  Lady Gaga - Edge Of Glory
We're over Gaga.  A lot of people are over Gaga.  Yes she's brilliant and genius and blah blah, but she's also the reason every gayborhood was full of guys in ridiculous jean cutoffs and black military boots this summer.  She's always essentially been Madonna's shoutier, bitchier, crazier little sister, but 2011 was the year when she all of a sudden decided that everything she does is SUPER IMPORTANT (it's not) and that being a pop star comes with some sort of great responsibility to be douchy and heavy handed (it doesn't).  But 2011 is also the year that, in between spastic bouts of insanity and preachiness, she also gave us some great music.  'Edge Of Glory' is a glittering firework of a song that couldn't even be killed by its shambolic music video (notice we put up a RATHER TREMENDOUS live performance below instead), and for a few precious short-lived months, it gave us back the fun, poppy Gaga we fell in love with so long ago.  Chart peak: US - #3, UK - #6


3.  Will Young - Jealousy
2011 was the year that Will Young reminded everyone why he is amazing.  The "Kelly Clarkson of the UK" (he won the first ever Pop Idol tv show, even before American Idol existed...so really Kelly is the US Will Young but whatever) has really been going pretty strong since his first single back in 2002, but to be quite honest it could have gone either way for him after his greatest hits package.  His first few singles were guaranteed success thanks to winning Idol, and then the flurry of press coverage when he came out cemented his status as a bona-fide media darling.  Right about that time he proved he had the songwriting and vocal chops to be the real deal, and then...well, he just got kinda quiet for a while after releasing his retrospective.  Diminishing chart returns on each of his tracks meant 'Jealousy' was released at a time when Young hadn't even appeared in the top 20 of the singles countdown in 3 years (though, to be fair, his albums consistently have been top 10 smashes).  As the lead single of Will's fifth studio record, hopes were high.  But they were all exceeded when this glittering synth gem gave us all a taste of Young's new, electro-chill direction.  The Guardian said it best when it described the track as "stately."  'Jealousy' is a respectable, honorable, mature earworm of a song.  And it's got some killer remixes to boot.  Chart peak:  UK - #5


2.   Selena Gomez and the Scene - Love You Like A Love Song
This song is tremendous.  We really can't overstate that enough.  Had it been given a slightly better production treatment and a bit more promotion (though not through live performances - seriously, it's terrible live, google it) it could have been huge.  Like, Kylie's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' huge.   But instead, whoever was in charge of the whole Selena Gomez thing gave the song to a producer, thought "eh, that's good enough" and chucked it out as a single, and instead of a world-conquering stomper, we got a mid-level hit that sounds a bit like a demo recording that would leak on the internet ahead of a huge superstar's release but is still knock-down, drag-out PHENOMENAL.  So even though it's riding high on our list of tracks of the year, we still can't help but feel this was a bit of a missed opportunity.  And Miss Gomez, we're still waiting for the remixes.  Thanks.  Chart peak:  RUS - #1, CAN - #10, US - #26



1.  Cher Lloyd - Want U Back
So there are a couple things that could get us into trouble with this pick.  First, it's Cher Lloyd. A ton of people hate her.  A ton of people love her too, but they're usually pretty quiet about it and just download her tracks in the dark at night from a Starbucks nowhere near their house out of fear someone they know could see them.  But generally we are comfortable saying that Cher Lloyd is a....divisive figure.  The second issue is that this track isn't OFFICIALLY out as a single yet.  Its release date is pegged for February 12, 2012 and it's only just recently gone out to radio stations.  But, thanks to THE WORLD WE NOW LIVE IN, it's available as a single download from its parent album, so we are including it in this list.  Because it is amazing.  And also since it's like, 8 hours until 2012 and we feel kind of bad our list is coming out so late and giving a tip for what is going to be huge in the new year makes us feel a bit more relevant and on point.  But mostly because it's amazing.  It's fresh, it's got personality, and it is, most importantly, unique.  It sounds nothing like the autotuned Katy Perry/Ke$ha/Britney dreck that is constantly on the radio and which makes every day sound like one long thumping headache of a song, and for that, Cher, we thank you.  Chart peak:  TBR


Happy 2012, ScopiSubjects, and see you on the other side.

Jessie J falls down like a 'Domino' in new video - watch now

Haters gon' hate.

We get that Jessie J is a BONA FIDE TALENT or whatever but that doesn't mean she can't still piss us off.  We're not sure why either.  Are we annoyed that she always looks like a tranny in that awful bob?  Or that she over-emotes to the point that we want to cut her face off? 

It could be both.

Which is unfortunate, because each of those things is on FULL DISPLAY in her new video for the admittedly very very good 'Domino.'  It's a jam and it has a beat and you can dance to it but to be fair it could have been sung by literally anyone and still be just as good, if not better. 

Anyway, the video finds JJ mugging for the camera in some glittery catsuits and some 90's gear, and it's all jazzed up by some "inventive edits" in order to disguise the fact that the whole thing was done "on the cheap."  And here it is.

Rihanna says 'You Da One' in her new video

This is a thing that happened.

Rihanna just wrapped up her GIANT ALL-CONQUERING TOUR in London, but apparently she was quite busy even while that was going on, shooting videos and collapsing from exhaustion and the like.  Luckily the 'You Da One' video, which just premiered, doesn't find her actually doing that much, so hopefully it didn't contribute to her fatigue too much.

Unfortunately the fact it doesn't find her doing much means it's a pretty boring watch, unless you're a fan of dodgy wigs (which we understand many of our readers are).  To be honest we've never been a huge fan of Rihanna's midtempo "jAmZ," as we're not sure she has the voice for such things and they always trend to the boring side of "good," but as generic pop songs go we're not going to complain about 'You' and instead will just say it's highly unlikely to unseat her current #1 track 'We Found Love' from the peak of the charts. 

Speaking of 'We Found Love,' congrats, RiRi, on your longest running chart-topper ever.  Maybe you can celebrate by donning a tacky blond weave and running around in black-and-white for a few minutes.

OH WAIT.

The Lips that we call Lana Del Rey has a new video out and here it is

Even this photo smells like patchouli and BO

First off we would like to apologize for our SHOCKING LACK OF POSTS over the last few days.  We've been doing several things, including organizing our "BEST OF 2011" list and also drinking quite a lot. But lo, ScopiSubjects, our silence is broken!  For the large-lipped Lana Del Rey has foisted another video into our pop pubis and it absolutely demands to be snarked about.

Initially we were kind of interested in Lana, in a "she totally gets that she's that cat lady with all the plastic surgery and it's fun and self-knowing and winkingly ironic" way, but then it turned out that actually she had no idea she was a walking fauxhemian joke and pretended to be all REAL and AUTHENTIC while attempting miserably to speak out of her labia-with-an-allergic-reaction mouth.

It wasn't that we were no longer interested at all, however, as most pop stars these days seem to have a healthy amount of selective memory and social blindness when it comes to their own ridiculousness.  But then she did that awful video teaser thing where she was naked and cuddling with a homeless and called it the OFFICIAL VIDEO but then also stuck a thing at the bottom of the OFFICIAL VIDEO saying "OFFICIAL VIDEO COMING SOON."

And THAT is when we completely lost interest.

Anyway here's her new video and it's actually not half bad but for us it is TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE and we're afraid that to us Lana Del Rey will always be that vagina-lipped girl who hugs smelly hipsters for cash.

Kelly Clarkson gets 'Stronger' in new video - watch the premiere now!

My boobs are made of Grammys

Our last post was all DOOM and GLOOM and WILL.I.AM pretending anyone gives a shit what he does.  Which is why it's so good that today, the LIVING RAY OF SUNSHINE that is Kelly Clarkson released her video for 'Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)'.  It's a good reminder just in time for the holidays - that no matter how many unintentionally-terrifying Justin Bieber videos come out, as long as we can make it through alive, we will come out the other side a better person with bigger pecs and biceps.

Or something.

Anyway, the video is Kelly doing her usual Kelly thing, but also has an added flash mob thing going.  It's super cute in a "flash mobs are a thing that was awesome a couple years ago so lets do one in a video" kind of way.  The choreography was put out a while back, in order to give KC's fans a chance to learn it and perform it in the clip, and the payoff is a lot of fun to watch.

As for the song, 'Stronger' is the second single from Clarkson's fifth (!!) solo album, and it is very good.  Not as good as 'Mr. Know It All,' but a smidge more addicting and certainly hit-worthy.  Which is good, because we have a feeling we'll be hearing it quite a bit all winter.

Signs of the Apocalypse #12 and #13 - Will.i.am's 'T.H.E.' and Justin Beiber

Ok so we're only a few days away from 2012, which is when the world is totally going to end if you ask alarmist tabloids or the people who make Discovery Channel "documentaries".  And you know what, ScopiSubjects?  WE BELIEVE IT.  Because judging by the following two videos, we are careening wildly toward a horrific nightmarish oblivion like the dream world from The Cell or something, and it will totally have J.Lo in it too but not the good J.Lo, the crappy one when she was chucking out shit like 'Loubitons' and falling on her ass on stage.

Yes this week saw the debuts of two videos by - and it pains us to say this - two of the most popular male acts of our time.  Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, and Justin Bieber.  Both are horrifying - the first, for its overblown ego-centric budget-busting monstrousness, and the second, for, well, LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

First up we have good ol' Bill.  We know we weren't the only ones who threw a handful of glitter-confetti when The Black Eyed Peas announced their hiatus from music, but it turns out that all that means is we have to deal with even more of Will.i.am on his own.  Which in its own way is even more terrifying, since we don't have the buffer of cutaways to that one dude in the group with long hair who doesn't actually do anything to protect us.

So Will has gone off and done another solo track to fill his time, but AS IS THE WAY NOWADAYS, it's not actually solo at all, and features J.Lo (The Cell!) and Mick Jagger because of course it does.  The song itself is actually not terrible - it features some "sick beatz" etc. - but we just can't get over the video in which Will.i.am does "crazy things" and appliances rain from the sky and then nonsense happens in bombastic and heavy-handed fashion.  It's not that the video is bad, really, it's just that -like most of the Black Eyed Peas output - it's kind of a buffet of "lowest common denominator."  It's as if some focus group wrote a stream-of-consciousness list of all the expensive and flashy ways to make Middle America think a pop star was "balling" or whatever the kids say these days, and then Will.i.am read it and was like "oooh this is good - let's do all these things but also make them suck."


So there's that and it's out there and we all just have to deal with it.

Which brings us to Bieber - pop's premiere mouse-lesbian.  Now, just to make things clear, we don't hate the Beeb.  He's a talented kid who just had everything go exactly right for him, and there's no reason to begrudge him that.  But as much as we approve of his modern day rags-to-riches story, we cannot sign off on his new, literally frightening, Mad Max Christmas nightmare of a video. 

We'd go into the specifics of why, exactly, it is the video antichrist, but to do so would require reliving each chilling moment of the tinsel-tainted shitstorm that is "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."  And that, dear readers, is something we just cannot bring ourselves to do.


Pray.

Diana Vickers is back with the a FREE DOWNLOAD of the brilliant 'Make The Boys Cry'

I'm the only thing holding up this wall.

Diana Vickers was a semi-finalist on the UK X-Factor, then a number one-selling pop star for a minute and then a has-been about a minute later.  That's the way it goes in this world of flash-in-the-pan pop strumpets - at least those with little real talent.  But lack of talent wasn't why Diana crashed and burned.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.

It all started out well, when after being eliminated from the X-Factor, Miss Vickers signed with a label and chucked out the amazing 'Once' which topped the charts and was one of the pop highlights of the year.  Her followup single didn't fare so well, but that was fine because its parent album had just been released and followed 'Once' to the number one position.

But then it came time to do that "album relaunch" thing which was all the rage for about a year, so Di-Vi went back into the studio to cut some new tracks for a SUPERFLUOUS DELUXE MONEY-GRAB VERSION of her debut album.  That single was 'My Wicked Heart' and it was

literally


amazing.

Here it is if you don't believe us.


AMAZING. (just ignore the video...)

It's a slice of pop perfection with a healthy dose of personality and quirk.  But we'll be the first to admit that it isn't the most immediate and radio-friendly track either.  And for the everyday pop fan it proved to be a bit too much quirk.  It's more of an artistic masterpiece than it is a pop hit, a fact borne out by its eventual peak at 13 on the charts, which makes Diana quite an anomaly in the pop world.  For it wasn't because she was a talentless hack that she lost favor with record buyers.  It was actually the opposite - she failed because she was TOO TALENTED AND AMAZING.

So poor, unappreciated Diana split ways with her label RCA, and no one really heard from her for a while and we all just assumed she was off doing a pantomime in Cheshire or something.

BUT THAT WAS NOT THE CASE.

No, instead Diana was recording a new album that - if the first taste of it is anything to go on - is going to be RATHER TREMENDOUS.

Vickers has just offered up a download of 'Music To Make The Boys Cry,' which manages to have all the artsy street cred of 'My Wicked Heart' but wrap it up in a glittering electropop package.  It is a bittersweet midtempo jam of the highest order, but will also sound brilliant when some talented DJ comes long and puts a donk on it.  WHICH HAD BETTER BE SOON.

Anyway, you can listen to 'Music' below, and get it as a free download HERE


Music To Make The Boys Cry by mdstmgmt

Wait Ke$ha is still flogging that album? 'Sleazy' gets a revamp and release Dec 13

This is what Xtina would look like if she PUT DOWN THE FORK

We kind of forgot about Ke$ha there for a while, which is probably exactly why she is reworking her track 'Sleazy' from her 'Cannibal' album, chucking a few rappers on it and kicking it out of her glittertrash nest on December 13, hoping that it will soar to chart heights rather than splatter on the sidewalk below.

It's a bit of a by-the-numbers move, to be honest.  Hasn't the NOW WITH ADDED RENT-A-RAPPER thing been done enough?  Why, for example, can't she remake it with a didgeridoo band and Yo-Yo Ma, or rerecord it with a nunnery choir or something crazy and unexpected?

BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOO AMAZING AND OUR HEADS WOULD EXPLODE, THAT IS WHY.

Anyway, according to the beglittered one herself:

“Get ready to get even $leazier with this sick collaboration I did with 4 of my favorite MCs of all time: Weezy, Andre 3000, Wiz Khalifa, and T.I. I opened the “Get $leazy” tour with this song every night and it always got the party started…Get ready, this is the SICKEST and SLEAZIEST version YET.$.”

Yes.  Let's break that down, shall we.

First, we want to point out that apparently it is mandatory that even Ke$ha's press must include dollar signs, which means that some poor intern (we'll call her Rachel) who pretends to be the star on Twitter has to make 2 extra keystrokes every time an "s" comes up. 

Second, isn't T.I. in jail?  No?  Well whatever he still sucks.

Third, what the hell are you on about, Ke$ha's intern Rachel?  Of course this is the SICKEST and SLEAZIEST version YET.  There has only ever been one version, so it's not like there was a bevy of competition.  Relax.

Fourth, there's an extra dollar sign at the end of whatever that was up there.  Whether it was a mistake or an intentional insertion by Rachel to underscore the ridiculousness of random punctuation, we will never know.  But we like to imagine that somewhere, in a dark broom closet at RCA Records, Rachel sat with her company-owned iPad, and plunged her finger dramatically down on the dollar sign in an act of final, overt defiance, just as she expired from exhaustion and acute Red Bull poisoning.

Here's the album version.  Which is VERY GOOD INDEED but could definitely do with a choir of nuns.

Kelly Rowland performs on UK X Factor and...is not Beyonce

Yes.

We love Kelly Rowland.  We want to be clear about that up front. 

We also are not blind, and we are certainly not deaf.  Which means that despite all our love for Miss K, we are fully aware that she IS NOT BEYONCE.

That fact was on full display when K-Ro took to the stage at the UK X-Factor with a medley of her biggest upbeat hits, but bless her heart, she certainly did try her ass off didn't she. 

Her vocals are a little wobbly, the choreography isn't spectacular, and she ends up looking a bit more like one of the X-Factor contestants than one of the superstars who frequent its stage, but Kelly's always had something about her that we just love nonetheless.

Unfortunately, the general populous doesn't feel the same way, as her latest album bombed at #56 in the UK this week. 

So....womp womp, etc.

So Lana Del Rey has a new "video" - let's discuss this nonsense

This is clearly the "after" picture.

WTF, Lana Del Rey.  We get that you got you are all artsy and "real" even though you plumped up your lips like they were past-their-prime couch cushions.  And we get that your "Video Games" track was pretty decent.  But first, your new song "Born To Die" is a crappy hipster pastiche of 60's suicide-pop, and second and most importantly, what in the fresh hell do you think you're doing with this "video"?

As Gawker (which we affectionately call "Gayker" because it is clearly run by fabulously snarky homosexuals) pointed out, when searching for the track on YouTube, there are tons of links to the "OFFICIAL VIDEO" which is TERRIBLY MISLEADING because it is not a real video at all, rather a clip of Lana naked hugging some skanky fauxhemian and mugging for the camera.  Then, at the bottom, there is a little text box that says "OFFICIAL VIDEO COMING SOON."

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE. 

We were just barely on board when the whole "lyric video" thing started, because since a good number of people "watch their music" on YouTube nowadays, it made sense to do something different than just chucking up a still of the artist while a track played. 

We even can get down with the endless "teasers" that artists trickle out of their creative teats as of late.  We like to be teased, and if it's good enough for movies it's good enough for music videos. 

But no.  You can't just release a "music video" and then tell people "OH JUST KIDDING THIS ISN'T REALLY THE MUSIC VIDEO, I'LL BE DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR THAT."  And you certainly shouldn't be setting a precedent that this is the thing to be done to create buzz for a Credible New Artiste (tm). 

That's bullshit, Lana Del Rey.  And your boyfriend looks like he smells.

So how's the Nicola Roberts solo thing going then? Well she's made a new video for 'Yo-Yo' so not as bad as it could be...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR SINGLE DID BETTER THAN MINE?"

Whatever are we to do with poor Nicola.  Poor, poor Nicola. 

She's not poor, of course, as her "makeup for gingers" sells quite well and also she was IN FUCKING GIRLS ALOUD.  But if her solo career was all we were going on, we'd have to say she was quite poorly indeed.

Her first track, 'Beat Of My Drum,' despite being balls-to-the-wall brilliant and essentially being a better version of Madonna's big comeback single only recorded and released several months earlier, landed with a thud at #27 in the UK.  Then, her big followup - the Dragonette (!!) penned 'Lucky Day' - fared even worse down at #40.  Sure the album cracked the top 20, but it's the UK for chrissake.  It's not like it's that difficult.

But none of that unfortunateness will deter our little red minx.  No, Nicola soldiers bravely on in true British fashion, with a brand new video for 'Yo-Yo.'  It's a very good song, but like her other VERY GOOD SONGS, it will probably do absolutely nothing on the charts.  It's quite nice of her to give us a video clip for it, though, don't we think?  (Yes.)

The video features a party, a crushed velvet dress, and also an ACTUAL YO-YO. 

Because of course.

The Pierces are 'Kissing You Goodbye' with some hot dude in their new video

"I saw you in those Asos ads!"

Ok so we just found out about The Pierces like 2 days ago from ScopiSubject Derek, and already the duo is chucking out RATHER AMAZING videos featuring RATHER ATTRACTIVE men.  To be fair, the band - which consists of two sisters - has had what most indie acts would call a "banner year," so it's not like they came out of nowhere, but the buzz surrounding them has certainly reached an apparent critical mass.

Born in Alabama in the 70's, the pair of girls (Ed: NO ONE CARES, MOVE ON) The duo do very good pop music and that's all that really matters.  Our extensive Wikipedia-ing told us a great deal about the band, most importantly that what they do is called "psychedelic folk rock" which in our mind is pretty much just Madonna's 'Don't Tell Me' played really slowly after a night of tripping on cough medicine, but we suppose it could actually be a real music genre too. 

In any case, the girls are stylish, the video is appropriately low-budget and grimey (and starts quite brilliantly with the refrain of Irving Berlin's 'Sisters'), and as a bonus there's a hot tattooed male model in it.  Also the video is for a pretty decent tune as well, so that's always a plus.

Here's 'Kissing You Goodbye':

Beyonce's 'Dance For You' video proves she needs to pop that kid out and get back to it

Don't worry, B.  We're bored too.

Ok look, Beyonce.  We know you're pregnant.  We know you have "other things" to think about.  But that really doesn't mean you should start slacking on your day job.  Which, judging from your latest video, is exactly what you've begun to do.  We know some record exec told you that in today's "new model" you have to have new product out every two and a half days, but like you, we're hoping this is a passing fad. 

Because until then, decent pop stars like you will be forced to trot out boring crap like this, which serves only to distract us from the LITERALLY AMAZING things you've taken actual time and care in putting together, like the 'Countdown' video that everyone loved for about ten minutes and then forgot about. 

Also, when the hell did you shoot this?  You're obviously not "showing" in this clip, which means it was filmed quite some time ago.  Did you just film budget videos for every single song on your album and then sit on them like a fabulously sassy bird on a stash of eggs?  Because if so, maybe this is one you should have "accidentally kicked out of the nest" during a particularly active nightmare if you know what we're saying. 

Do you?  Do you know what we're saying, Beyonce? 

Because we're saying it's crap. 

So stop being pregnant or whatever your problem is and get back to making amazing videos because having to write mean things about you makes us sad and WE DO NOT LIKE TO BE SAD.

Let's all talk about the Lady Gaga special then.

There is no escape.

So last night something happened and we all know it happened and we might as well just talk about it.

That something was the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving special and it was nonsense.  Not nonsense in that it was bad, but nonsense in that it even exists in the first place. 

First off, let's get this out of the way:  Gaga is ridiculously talented.  She can sing.  She can dance.  She holds her own singing jazz songs with goddamn Tony Bennett, for chrissake.  But the woman is also batshit insane, and not in the "oh-em-gee my outfits are made of meat, you guys" way.  She is batshit in the "I wholeheartedly believe that all of America gives a crap about all of this" way.

It kicked off well enough, to be fair, with a straightforward performance of 'Lady Is A Tramp' with Tony Bennett.  We say straightforward, but with Gaga that means "Tony sang while Gaga made weird faces and seized," but it was good and fun and got things off to a good start. 

Then, friends, it "TOOK A TURN." 

"a turn."

All of a sudden we were meant to care about whatever neural misfire Miss G was having at the time, and had to listen to a bunch of stories for no reason.  She did some things and said some things that for whatever reason must have seemed interesting at the time, and then she cooked chicken and waffles with a chef on national television while wearing some seriously fierce couture, BECAUSE OF COURSE.

Things looked up again, thankfully, when she sang some more and danced some more, and then she sat down with Katie Couric for a KIND-OF-PAINFUL-TO-WATCH interview and plopped a giant fabric strawberry on her head and tried to pretend like it was completely normal, because in Gaga's world that is just the way things are done so fuck you.  

Now, full disclosure: after the Couric interview we tuned out a bit because by that point we had done some (a lot of) tequila shots, so we can't say a whole lot about the last 20 minutes or so, but from what we remember, taken all together it was an oddly appropriate-feeling special.

It was traditional with a twist and - even though it got its ratings ass handed to it by last night's airing of 'The Big Bang Theory' - probably managed to get a few more grandmas in the midwest on board the Gaga train. Because if there's one thing midwest grandmas like, it's a show in which the star self-servingly does all the things that she knows midwest grandmas will like.

Sure, she looked amazing, sang amazing, and managed to hit on an oddly appropriate tone for the holiday, which really is what Gaga is about - taking our preconceptions of something and twisting them into her own grotesque interpretation of them.  But every time she spoke, the whole thing took this air of entitlement and posturing about it that we just couldn't get past until she started singing again. 

But good for Lady Gaga.  We came in to the special expecting to hate it and left only hating the parts where she was herself.  Our 90 minutes with her confirmed once and for all that she is a brilliant musician, fashion icon, and performer, and also that we never, ever want to hang out with her.  And that was what made the special a success in the end.  It was meant to give us a glimpse into Gaga's softer, real-er side, and it did just that - it's just that Gaga's soft, real side is completely insane and self-involved. 

And we wouldn't expect any less.

Our personal favorite from the show was, oddly, her completely lip-synced, by-the numbers performance of 'Bad Romance' because no matter what happens ever it will still be one of the best songs in the history of literally everything, and not even the fact that last night saw it performed on what we assume is the set of an upcoming rococo-themed Cascada video can take that away.

Here is Kylie debuting her new "orchestral sound" on Australian X-Factor

I'm fierce and I'm feeling mighty.

If last night you heard a collective gay gasp of diva worship coming from the southern hemisphere, this is probably why.  Last night, Kylie debuted her new, much talked-about "orchestral sound" on Australian X-Factor, in the form of an acoustic remake of the hit that made her a star - 'I Should Be So Lucky.' 

The whole setup suited K-Mo RATHER WELL, and showcased her voice in spectacular fashion.  She was rocking some sort of grandma nightie (because of course) but totally pulled it off (because OF COURSE) and has rarely looked better.

It's a terrific teaser of what we can expect when her full-on orchestral album drops next year (though, Miss Minogue, please take note that we will insist on a remix package that includes a number of disco whistles and at least one poppers-scented donk).  Indeed, the only downside is that she's done this track in acoustic form a number (read: A VERY LARGE NUMBER) of times.  It's essentially the same arrangement she has been flogging on tour for the last few years, and she's sung the same version almost note for note on a couple tv shows as well.  But, TBF, when something is this mindblowingly brilliant, why not run it into the ground?

We're certainly not complaining.

The "New" Amy Winehouse Video Is Here - watch now!

Ever since Amy Winehouse went to the big rehab in the sky in July, it was inevitable that a number of posthumous releases would emerge, hoping to honor her memory and also cash in on it.  Well the first of those arrived yesterday, in the form of lead single 'Our Day Will Come' off the forthcoming 'Lioness: Hidden Treasures' album.

While it would be easy to see any release of Winehouse material as a blatant cash grab, this one at least has the distinction of being the first official one, and the fact that a portion of proceeds from each sale go to the Amy Winehouse Foundation certainly helps soften any criticism. 

In fact, it's hard to fault this release for much of anything - it's a pretty song sung by a starlet who was taken too soon.  So cash grab or not, thank god there's just a little bit more Amy left out there in the world.

Here is 'Our Day Will Come', featuring a collection of footage from Amy's past videos and shows.  As one commenter on the YouTube page said:  "It's just such a shame we know she'll never sing this live."

Lady Gaga is hospitalized in fabulous fashion - watch the preview of 'Marry The Night' now!

When I wake up my stylist will be slowly and painfully murdered

Lady Gaga is batshit and we all know it.  We've come to accept it and a lot of people have come to love her for it.  But she's one of the few people who can pull off crazy with some considerable style, and with the exception of the utter turd that was the "Edge Of Glory" video, has managed to be pretty consistently amazing visually.

Sure she's gotten all heavy-handed, and yeah she takes herself WAY too seriously these days, but who else could make a virtually silent preview for their music video, in which they are literally rolled around on a gurney for 2 minutes, a watercooler talking point?

And granted, in this preview ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS, but to be fair, it's still classier than most anything that's come out in recent memory so quit your bitching and pop a Klonopin.   For once we're taking Gaga's side - the rest of the video might turn out to be an overwrought mess, but this preview teaser thing is wicked cool in a 'London Hospital'/BBC Period Drama kind of way.  WHICH IS MAYBE THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE.

The new Little Boots single is here and it is RATHER TREMENDOUS - listen to 'Shake' now!

Bird.

A bit ago we went on and on about how great Little Boots is and how her new single is literally epic and then we posted a snippet of it that was quite good.

Luckily for us (and, if you think about it, for everyone who loves VERY GOOD MUSIC) our review of that preview clip was 100% accurate.  'Shake Until Your Heart Breaks' - now retitled to the more marketable, but far less amazing 'Shake' - is what we call A LITTLE BIT FURRCE.

Even Ms. Boots seems taken with it - she said of the track, "It was one of those that just came out... Immediately it felt right. It also shed a new light on a lot of the other songs I’d been working on for the album.”

Which, in a vacuum and with no point of reference, means absolutely nothing, and once we hear the rest of the album it will probably still mean nothing whatsoever, as much of what popstars say tends to be complete and utter crap.  But in the interest of JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY we will not let that knowledge deter us from speculating wildly as to what exactly it means for the state of the forthcoming Little Boots LP, so here goes:

Perhaps it means that the rest of the tracks are less abstract and more straightforwardly pop, but when heard through the lens of 'Shake' they take on a more weighty, artistic tone.  Or, maybe it means that 'Shake' is the only good track on the album and its amazingness only throws the utter craptasticity of all the other songs into sharper relief.  Also it could mean that everyone got really stoned while recording 'Shake' and all of a sudden everything else just "made sense" and then some pizza was ordered and everyone took a nap for a bit.

But whichever it is, 'Shake' is very good.

Lady Gaga continues her 'Marry The Night' campaign on UK X Factor - watch now

Oh.

So the other night Lady Gaga visited the UK X Factor in her ongoing blitz to ensure that 'Marry The Night' becomes a hit even though everyone got over it a few months ago.  And while the performance was "interesting" in that way that Gaga's performances are always interesting, it also wasn't anything special. 

Miss G spent the first few minutes of the track sitting in a confessional box underneath a big cross because OF COURSE, and then burst out of it to reveal herself as an oddly-proportioned headless woman who sings.  So, par for the course for team Gaga then.  The thing that really troubles us though is that, practically speaking, the whole thing shouldn't work because HOW CAN A HEAD SING IF IT IS NOT ATTACHED TO LUNGS?

We demand answers and fully intend to "Occupy Gaga" until this is resolved.

Anyway, it was good and well done and Gaga was in fine voice as (almost) always but we can't help feeling like this would have worked a bit better 2 weeks ago around Halloween. 

The Wanted's new video for 'Warzone' begs some VERY SERIOUS QUESTIONS - watch the premiere now!

Yeah.  It's that big.

Oh, The Wanted.  They're all set to "break America" (which for them likely means playing a few gay clubs in major cities and getting their tops off, all while talking about how absolutely straight they are) and are still riding quite nicely atop the UK charts.  They're all relatively good looking except for one of them (you know who you are), none have had a public mental breakdown (yet....fingers crossed on that one) and we're sure that when they go home at night they probably smile to themselves and think "I AM THE WANTED" and then poke needles into JLS figurines.  AS MANY OF US DO.

With everything going so swimmingly for the boys, their handlers are quite wisely keen to keep the momentum going.  And they're doing just that by slave-driving the gents to chuck out music videos at near-Rihanna-esque pace.  "Lightning" came out like, a few hours ago or something, and already we have a new one because blah blah youth attention span blah blah on-air/on-sale blah.  This time it's called "Warzone" and it features the boys in some sort of garbage dump or something for some reason and also a lot of fire.  Additionally there is a song that plays while all the "imagery" is happening, but to be honest it might be better if you turn the clip pretty far down because it is NOT THEIR BEST WORK although it's not terrible in a "at least it doesn't feature Nicki Minaj" kind of way.

Furthermore, as deep and meaningful as it is all probably supposed to be, rather than finding answers and emotional validation in the video, we find ourselves instead FILLED WITH BURNING QUESTIONS and, quite frankly, demanding some answers which The Wanted's people are welcome to provide in the comments section of this post.

Questions like:

1.  While we can all agree that the opening 2 seconds is amazing, why was it artistically necessary to feature a LITERAL FIREBOMB erupting from Max's ass?
2.  Why the hell was this filmed in New York City?  There is not one single aspect of this clip that identifies it as having been shot there, or would have required any sort of "on location" filming.  In fact, it could have been easily filmed on some dodgy soundstage in Wales for all we know, except that QUITE A BIG DEAL was made of it being filmed IN NEW YORK CITY.  This certainly begs the question whether illegal downloads are truly "killing the industry" or if the people who plan this sort of thing are doing a very nice job of it on their own because this whole endeavor was clearly a colossal waste of coin.
3.  Who the f is Director X?  Is he (or she) some sort of supervillain?  If so, this could do quite a bit to explain question #1 above.  If not, you have a stupid name, sir or madam, and we would very much like it if you could refrain from plastering it all over your clips in the future.
4.  Why is 'Warzone' a single? :(

Here is the new Madonna song 'Give Me All Your Love' and it is AMAZING

If you don't say I'm normal looking I will have you killed.

We often find ourselves wishing that Madge-Mantis would return to the fun, happy days of the 80's, way before she started taking her self seriously and speaking with a really bad British accent.  And it looks like she's done just that for her big post-'Hard Candy' comeback.  Sure it's got a little rocky twist (kinda Kelly Clarkson, but with worse singing, obvs) but it's undeniably a return to form for the Queen of Pop.  If these previews are anything to go by, one Miss Gaga better watch her ridiculously dressed ass...

Here are some observations about 'Give Me All Your Love':
1.  Amazing
2.  Amazing
3.  Amazing
4. Amazing

Those were some observations about 'Give Me All Your Love.'

And here is 'Give Me All Your Love':

Madonna - Give Me All Your Love (2011)

"Amazing."

Rihanna's new track with Drake is pretty great - listen to 'Take Care' now!

He's kind of like Carrie, but his pyrotechnic rage is brought on by ASS

To be completely fair, before today we couldn't have really cared less about Drake.  Like, there was no possible way that we could have had less of an opinion about him either in terms of his musical output or as an actual person.  He had some tracks and was kind of famous, apparently, but most notably (for us, anyway) he featured on Rihanna's 'What's My Name.'  Well now we have to rethink everything, because the Barbadian minx has returned the favor, guesting on Drake's new track called 'Take Care.'  And IT IS KIND OF REALLY GOOD.  

These days it seems every track is vying to be more autotuned and more slick and more "thumpin beats, brah" than the last, and that is doubly true in the world of "urban pop" which is a genre that doesn't really exist officially but is essentially everything that you hear on the radio that isn't Adele.  HOWEVER, Drake has decided - rather wisely - to take things in a completely different direction, and chuck out an organic sounding, almost disco-y, understated affair.

But never fear, those of you who demand a donk and discowhistle (i.e. everyone who reads this website), word has it that some RATHER BANGING club mixes are in the works, and even on first listen it's not hard to imagine how this groovy little number can go from "sultry evening wrapped up in 300-count JC Penney sheets" to "POPPERS O'CLOCK ON TOP OF A BOX SPEAKER IN A DOWNTOWN WAREHOUSE" in pretty short order. 

So, welcome to our radar, Drake.  Also, if you could make a baby with Rihanna that'd be great for us.  Because HOW CUTE?!




"Delightful."

Let's all watch Florence (and her Machine) sing her new single on X Factor UK

I am a triangle with a head.

So last night Florence Welch, of Florence And The Machine, had what people generally call a VERY GOOD EVENING.  First came word that her new album 'Ceremonials' had mounted the summit of the UK album charts, like a hooker mounting a (Ed.: STOP IT RIGHT NOW) and then the ginger genius took the stage to perform her single 'Shake It Out' on the biggest show in the British Isles.  

In typically understated fashion (sarcasm!) Flo-Wo begins all demure and quiet, and then the camera pans out and a huge dress train carried by her minions starts flapping about while a church choir sings, because OF COURSE.  

Really the best part of the whole thing is Florence, though, and her undeniable vocal prowess.  None of her songs are particularly easy to sing, but she consistently pulls them off with a flair that most pop strumpets would kill for.  Sure, she doesn't dance around, and she's not going to glitter bomb the audience or nip-slip her way into a tabloid, but as grown-up, down-to-earth female chart acts go, she's certainly one of the best. 

Though, if we're entirely honest, if one of these days Flo wants to strip down and vogue a bit to a discowhistle donkfest, we would not object in the least.  But until then, here's 'Shake It Out':

"Well done."

Jailbait Boyband Ahoy - here's the One Direction album sampler!

Not an American Eagle ad.

So One Direction came in third place in the UK X Factor, but by all accounts have done QUITE WELL since then.  They signed a £2 million record contract with SyCo Music, chucked out a number 1 single, and are gearing up to foist their debut album on the world.

And here's the thing - it's not crap.  Well, it's kind of crap.  But it's good, wholesome, radio-friendly crap, featuring songs written by Ed Sheeran and THE ACTUAL KELLY CLARKSON.  There are some definite jams on the record, as you can hear below, and if you can get past the fact that it's a bunch of kids who can't even get served in a pub jumping around talking about how amazing real love is, then you're a) better at ignoring logical inconsistencies than we are, and b) probably going to enjoy this record very much. 

The label certainly has a lot of faith in the band (KELLY CLARKSON!) and as evidence of that, the band - before they've released a single album - have already announced a headlining tour of the UK and Ireland.  Sure, it'll probably be in the back lot of an Asda, but come on.  How many headlining tours have YOU embarked on?

(KELLY CLARKSON!!)

Foster The People 'Call It What You Want' in new video - watch the premiere now!

Come with me, away to a place where three hot men stand in a picture and have kind of a rapey vibe

Foster the People are awesome and everyone knows it, which is probably why they have been doing QUITE WELL in "the business" lately.  This is apparent from the band's presence at the top of charts all over the place and their high profile appearances on shows like SNL, but perhaps most obvious from the fact that their new video clip has a VERY BIG BUDGET.

It's all shiny and pretty and well-lit, and is also interesting and playful and fun to watch.  In short, it is a very good music video.

Here are some things about it:

1.  There are four giant golden fists in it which, much to our dismay, were not used for actual fisting at any point during the clip.
2.  The band hangs around a super nice house and destroys parts of it, which probably means that they won't be invited back so don't be holding your breath for a sequel video
3.  The clip features all sorts of nonsensical still-lifes, like a band member sitting on a couch holding an umbrella even though he is inside (whimsical!), and one of the band with his head in a fishbowl while the fish flops around desperately on the ground (MURDER!)
4.  There is some text at the bottom of the screen sometimes but you don't need to concern yourself with that because it doesn't really advance the "plot" of the video very much at all so if you are at work or something and you have to watch the clip in a tiny window and keep minimizing it because you think you hear your boss shuffling down the hallway in that way she does because she insists on not doing up her shoes because she's always trying to prove how "laid back" she is and how she's just "one of you guys, dudes", then don't worry because you won't be missing much.  But it's still a fun read if you have a few minutes
5.  Several (all) of the band are VERY HOT.
6.  Altogether the video is, as we said before, what we call "a very good video" and is just the kind of video a very good band should be making at this stage in their career.  So...well done everyone.

Foster the People

Little Boots is back - hear 'Shake It Til Your Heart Breaks' now, and get a FREE MIXTAPE DOWNLOAD

Behind these eyes is a tiny amazing song factory filled with a round-the-clock workforce of pop goblins.

Maybe the most shocking thing about Little Boots is that to our knowledge no one in any interview ever has asked her just how big her boots actually are.  That's a troubling fact, to be sure, but is likely because every interviewer has found themselves utterly overcome with her output of VERY GOOD POP MUSIC.

And can we blame them?  After all, this is the woman who gave us 'New In Town,' with its urban-jazz hands video clip, and the post-Gaga RedOne brilliance that was 'Remedy.'  In fact, screw it, this is the woman who gave us the entire 'Hands' album which is literally amazing in parts and a bit crap in others but averages out to a SOLID B+ which is pretty much the best a pop album can get these days unless you're Kylie.

And now Ms. Boots is back with her follow-up LP, or at least the lead buzz single from it.  The track is called 'Shake Until Your Heart Breaks,' is already the frontrunner for "most brilliant song title of the year," and is amazing.  It sees the artist go in a harder, clubbier direction than her past output, with pretty spectacular results.  And thanks to the magic of the interwebs, you can hear it here right now:

Little Boots - Shake Till Your Heart Breaks by mdrezk

Amazing.

Also, Little Boots is embarking on a "DJ tour" which is apparently a thing that DJs do, which will see her spinning in clubs literally all around the world.  Presumably to show just how awesome that is going to be, she's also offered up a mix tape of tracks that everyone can have as a download for ABSOLUTELY NO CHARGE because she knows pop music fans are cheap. 


FREE MIXTAPE DOWNLOAD (feat. 'Shake It Til Your Heart Breaks')
SHAKE UNTIL YOUR HEART BREAKS MIXTAPE by LittleBoots

Also amazing.  And free.

Will Young's new video for 'Come On' is adorable - watch now!

I AM A TORSO, ROAR

There are two things which are always adorable and those things are Will Young and puppies.  So it makes complete sense that someone somewhere had the brilliant idea of combining the two into one music video, to be released at a dark time in human history in order to rescue mankind from its sadness.  Kind of our failsafe plan, if you will.

And so the other day, in the midst of economic strife, political uprisings and the wrong person winning Project Runway (we assume -  we haven't seen it, but it's a safe bet), Will Young's 'Come On' video was released from its protective casing and projected around the interwebs for all to see.

And what has happened since then?

Yesterday the European debt crisis was largely resolved, the U.S. stock market closed about 12,000 for the first time in ages, a boy was rescued from the rubble of the Turkey earthquake 5 days after becoming trapped, and a bunch of gay soldiers sued the ass off the U.S. government for denying them equal rights.

ALL BECAUSE OF THE WILL YOUNG VIDEO.




Arf.

Last night we heard VV Brown's forthcoming album and this is what it is like

One of these people bought their nails at Walgreens.

Last night we were lucky enough to be invited to the VV Brown listening party for her new album (which comes out in early 2012).  It was also her birthday party so there was some cake and also some cute lollipops with "VV Brown" written on them that looked like this:

Amazing.

Also she is very pretty in person and even though we're relatively certain she was wearing a weave, her nails were fantastic and she bought them at Walgreens.

The listening party was part of music blogger extraordinaire Arjan's ARTIST #TALK series, where artists come and......talk.  Also they play music and some other things happen, but mostly it's a bunch of INFLUENTIAL TASTEMAKERS walking around talking about their blogs and chugging Prosecco from the open bar.

Lots of Prosecco.

It was a nice little soiree at Dylan's Candy Bar on the upper East side of NYC and despite being surrounded by carbs for most of the evening we had QUITE THE TIME OF IT.

Here is what we discovered:

1. VV Brown is amazing
2. Her favorite songs to record on the new album were "Famous" and "Fire" because she likes the letter F very much and also because those songs are very good.
3. She wishes she had written 'Bohemian Rhapsody' but she did not
4. The new album has lots of songs on it.
5. At least one of the songs is fast.
6. At least one of them is slow.
7. The slow one is essentially about sex and having sex and how good sex feels, and features VV having a vocal orgasm about 2/3 of the way through.
8. Another of the songs is midtempo and showcases VV getting "gangsta" and is very good, albeit in a not-at-all-a-single sort of way.  
9. VV Brown is amazing.

Here is VV listening to a song and looking pensive:

"I am pensive"

 And here is VV blowing out candles on her cake:

See?  Weave.

The whole thing was very nicely done and despite some sound issues and the fact that no one in the back could hear anything except once when VV Brown got upset talking about "The Other 99%", it was a great evening to showcase what is a VERY GOOD RECORD.

VV also played her new single 'Children,' (which sounds like this:)


and gave everyone in attendance free copies of a remix package (read: the above track but WITH A DONK ON IT) which tells us that her label is looking to break the US market at least partially through "the clubs" and such and accordingly all the gays will be hearing quite a lot more from her on their drunken nights out this winter.

Which is amazing.

Thanks to VV, Arjan, HP, Dylan's Candy Bar, and Capitol Records for a great night out.

Taio Cruz and Flo Rida have a 'Hangover' in new video - watch the premiere now!

Everything about this photograph is painfully on-trend.

One time we had a house party and invited all our friends and everyone laughed and danced and listened to music and got drunk and did some drugs we bought from a girl who thought she was Ke$ha and broke things and fornicated with each other and then all fell asleep and when we woke up we had a HANGOVER.

That is the sort of thing that Taio Cruz has done as well, apparently - as nearly all of us have - except that instead of cleaning up the mess afterward like a normal person, he decided to just hire a maid and go off to write a song about it.  Or, more accurately, Tramar Dillard, Lukasz Gottwald and Henry Walter decided to write a song about it, and then Taio came along and said "this sounds like just the sort of thing I am looking for, but wouldn't it be a much better track, artistically speaking, if I could get royalties for it?" and added two words to the background of the middle eight and listed himself as a lyricist in the liner notes.

That, of course, is the kind of thing that happens all the time in "the industry", and we're usually fine with it as long as the added words are good or at least serviceable.  But in this case THAT IS QUITE SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE because literally each and every word of this song is its own, centralized black hole of swirling poo.

It is four minutes of hedonistic nonsense that is the unfortunate end result of the long-building trend in music where a committee of parrots or squirrels or something randomly select words relating "the club" or "being drunk" or "wanting to get drunk", and then put a donk over it and watch it go to number 1.

But just when we think it can't get worse, there is the video, which is essentially a straight-to-dvd sequel of AN ACTUAL MOVIE THAT THEY ALREADY MADE TWICE called 'The Hangover,' but with a worse soundtrack and less attractive actors.  It even has a wacky Asian guy who does ridiculous things and humiliates himself, because it's not like everyone in the world saw those movies and knows exactly what is going on here.

"Womp womp" etc.