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| That's right boys, ginger all over. |
Dearest Roisin,
We know you have like, a baby and stuff, but if you could get your ass moving on that new album that would be super. We have heard from "the blogs" that you have recorded a number of songs (all of which are obviously brilliant) so it really shouldn't be too much trouble to throw a dart at a list of completed tunes and compile a track listing. You could even make it a game - some sort of Twister with song titles, or, in a pinch, just have the maid pick some. We're really not fussed how it gets compiled, just as long as there are a minimum of 11 tracks and no more than 14 because any more than that and it looks like you're taking the project way too seriously.
And none of this "I'm not doing an album as such, I'm just recording tracks and letting them have a life of their own because I'm such an artist and record labels are evil" bullshit either. We want a FULL ALBUM with a PHYSICAL RELEASE and PROPER PROMOTION on at least one mid-table primetime chat show. You don't have to talk - in fact, it's probably best that you do not, as the "Irish AND ginger" thing kind of creeps people out - but you do have to sing the album's lead single and wear something batshit insane while doing it.
Additionally, we would like you to drum up interest in the project by starting a feud with a "current" pop strumpet. Right now we're thinking Avril Lavigne because she's not a real musician and probably doesn't know who you are, and thus wouldn't know what she was getting herself into. Also we think she's a fake bitch, though her new single is quite alright so she gets a pass for now, but if you could take her down a few pegs we'd really appreciate it and it might sell a few of your records to boot.
Anyway, back to the music - on the album we shall require:
- 1 ballad (not a weird "ambient noise-with-vocal" thing, a PROPER POWER BALLAD that will make us cry when we are drunk). A duet is unacceptable.
- 1 sell-out single (Max Martin or equivalent)
- 1 techno song that goes on for at least 7 minutes for no reason
- 2 filler tracks that will someday be lauded as masterpieces
- a hidden track in which you subtly declare your allegiance to a weird religious cult or something, just so you can get on a few morning shows and "defend your position" while shilling the record shamelessly.
We realize a lot of your "crazy" thunder was stolen by one Miss Gaga over the past couple years. And to be honest we're not real sure what to do about that, but we have complete faith that you will come up with something unique and artsy (like when you shuffled around London dressed as a series of walking, fully-lit set designs) and if worst comes to worst we'd be fine with you doing some sort of nip-slip or pantless drunken rage.
Having said all that, we do appreciate the constant trickle of VERY GOOD tunes dribbling from your talent-teat, like this new jam, 'Boadicea,' you did with dance producer Mason. But seriously, Ro. Let's get this album thing together.
Yours truly,
ScopiSat
Mason feat. Roisin Murphy - Boadicea by Mason
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