The other day we wrote about how Calvin Harris has his fingers dipped in just about every pie these days. We neglected to clarify that he only has his fingers in the pies that David Guetta didn't get to first. WHICH ARE A LOT.
It seems nearly every mid-to-major popstar has worked with the DJ lately, and now Jessie J has hopped on that train with her new single. It's called 'Laserlight' and it is all about...well, lasers and lights we imagine. With these donkfest club bangers does it really matter?
It's not bad by any stretch, but it also comes off as a bit of an also-ran in the grand scheme of things. The whole dirty-synth club track thing long ago reached what we thought was the saturation point, but it appears that once again we overestimated the masses and their desire for something - ANYTHING different and groundbreaking.
Ah well, it'll be nice to dance to at 2 am. Even if it is no 'Domino.'
We get that Jessie J is a BONA FIDE TALENT or whatever but that doesn't mean she can't still piss us off. We're not sure why either. Are we annoyed that she always looks like a tranny in that awful bob? Or that she over-emotes to the point that we want to cut her face off?
It could be both.
Which is unfortunate, because each of those things is on FULL DISPLAY in her new video for the admittedly very very good 'Domino.' It's a jam and it has a beat and you can dance to it but to be fair it could have been sung by literally anyone and still be just as good, if not better.
Anyway, the video finds JJ mugging for the camera in some glittery catsuits and some 90's gear, and it's all jazzed up by some "inventive edits" in order to disguise the fact that the whole thing was done "on the cheap." And here it is.
1. We love Jessie J. She's got a buttload of talent and is generally amazing in most every way in which a popstar can be amazing. However, her new song 'Who We Are' is kind of a bit too much. It's not a bad song at all, mind you, but during 85% of the track we are overcome with the urge to throw our speakers against the wall while screaming "IT ISN'T A SHOUTING CONTEST, CALM DOWN." Seriously. Dial it back a little. We know you can SANG and all that but you don't have to beat us over the head with it. Take a page out of Pink's book. She knows how to take it to the edge and push right up against it, but also knows that NOT EVERY BALLAD NEEDS TO BE SLEDGHAMMERED INTO A MICROPHONE.
So are we saying that Pink would have done this song better?
Yes. Yes we are.
Ok 2. This whole "WE R WHO WE R ARE BECAUSE WE ARE BORN THIS WAY AND EVERYTHING IS FINE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL FIREWORKS" thing is great for the kids but how many times do we have to hear this song? Does anyone else remember a time when EVERY SINGLE SONG ON THE RADIO was not about either going to "the club" or about telling us how amazing we are? We're not even going to go into the fact that NOT EVERYONE IS AMAZING and that telling a bunch of selfish, immature, bratty 13 year-olds who have never been punished by their "best-friend" parents and who think being successful in life only requires a great audition on a reality show that they are perfect already just the way they are is MAYBE THE WORST IDEA EVER, or that your cousin who slapped her teacher and then got arrested shoplifting from Wet Seal listens to 'Born This Way' and takes away the message that it's EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM. No, that's a whole different issue and this is simply about the music and how maybe it's time someone wrote a song about something else like trees, or mideast political policy or something.
Bob-hairdo spokeswoman Jessie J is a busy-ass girl. In between getting her hair angled and shopping for shoulderpads, she is currently peddling current single 'Who's Laughing Now' over in the UK. But somehow she's also gearing up to launch her US track 'Domino' which is intended to launch her into the American pop stratosphere. The song will also be a single over in the UK, but its release will probably be delayed a bit if 'Who's' is a success.
The whole thing might work too - 'Domino' is a corker of a jam in the vein of Katy Perry but less shouty, and - somehow - with even more of a pop edge. The verses are refreshingly straightforward, and the chorus is hands-in-the-air at a party singalong anthemic. It was produced by Dr. Luke, who is behind some of Britney and Kelly Clarkson's biggest hits, but whose biggest achievement clearly is Paris Hilton's spectacular (citation needed) debut album.
The good doctor certainly works his charms here - 'Domino' is all smooth and sleek with a remix-ready bass bump - and we have a feeling that over in the States Ms. J is about to be VERY BIG INDEED.
Also Paris really needs to put out another album. Just sayin.
At first we didn't like Jessie J, because she put out 'Do It Like A Dude' and we were worried that "the industry" was returning to that horrible time in the 90's when R&B was all shouty and tuneless, but this time with autotune so it'd be 10x as horrible. Then we liked Jessie J but worried that no one else would, because she's kind of quirky and the FEMALE POP DIVA GREEN ROOM is a bit crowded at the moment. Then 'Price Tag' was a hit and we worried a little bit less.
Now we love Jessie J and SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE, and with good reason. She is amazing. And as it happens, so is her new song.
It's kind of a Pink-meets-Lily Allen thing, about BULLYING and how bad it is to be BULLIED. Which means she's a bit late to the party - Gaga, Katy Perry, Ke$ha and the aforementioned Pink have all trod that ground recently - but this track is a lot more on the nose about the subject than any of those were. It's less "you're awesome just the way you are" and more "DON'T BE A DICK TO PEOPLE," and though it isn't strictly autobiographical, Jessie herself was victim of some hella harshness after her skin turned green (!!) from some heart pills as a kid. About the incident Jess said, "(k)ids at school nicknamed me Alien and they threw rocks at me." Rocks? Seriously? Those kids are hardcore. Well at least she grew up to be pretty great and they're probably restocking the Tesco adult diaper aisle.
The video is pretty great too, following a young fictional Jessie through a day at school, during which attractive blond children call her names and make her feel bad about herself even though 8-year-old Miss J looks FIERCE. These kids have clearly never seen a NYLON magazine because Jess is totally bang on trend right now - these children should be asking her for tips on where to buy vintage broaches, not flicking boogers at her.
It's a great tune and a great video and everyone should watch it and make it a hit. Because bullying is bad and Jessie J is good, and...well, that's all really.
Jessie J is a bit of an issue for us. She's super good-looking and seems to have genuine talent (she co-wrote Miley's 'Party In The USA'), but she insists on putting out tuneless dated crap like 'Do It Like A Dude.'
This is the kind of unfortunate R&B style-over-substance unfortunateness that preceded, and arguably brought on, the pop renaissance, and certainly would have fit into the music landscape of the mid-2000's.
In a way us pop fans owe a debt to that time... it took the image-over-melody movement to its extreme, and drove the idea so far into the ground that it allowed pop, with all its hooks and earnestness, to come back with a vengeance.
But now, in the 20-teens, a track like this seems hopelessly out of place. The song itself is essentially non-existent, instead letting the beats and sound effects do all the heavy lifting - which is odd, as she is quite an accomplished songwriter ('PARTY IN THE USfreakinA', PEOPLE). Indeed, if someone were to attempt to remake 'Do It' in a different, more straightforward style (say, a rock or country cover), they would be left with little more than a terrifying mess resembling a not-very-gifted-five-year-old's poem.
It irks us, dear readers.
It keeps us awake at night.
It leaves us shaking our fists at the sky and screaming "WHY WOULD A MERCIFUL GOD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN" while the camera pans up through falling rain, VERY DRAMATIC music plays, and the image turns sepia because that is what is done when something is meant to be MOODY.
Having said all that, it is unfortunately for all these same reasons that it will inevitably be huge and inescapable for the next year, after which it will disappear entirely until being resurrected by the "This Is 2010" special edition of the NOW series - which will by that time be delivered, Matrix-style, directly into neck-mounted USB drives - on which the track will feature not because it is a brilliant song, but because the royalty payment is so cheap.
The whole debacle is made all the more sad because her other tunes are actually quite listenable, and despite the rather intimidating (read: ACTUALLY FRIGHTENING) video below, Jessie herself seems like a perfectly decent person. We're sure we'll be hearing more of her in the future, but you'll forgive us if we wait til the next single to jump on the Jessie J bandwagon.
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