"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR SINGLE DID BETTER THAN MINE?"
Whatever are we to do with poor Nicola. Poor, poor Nicola.
She's not poor, of course, as her "makeup for gingers" sells quite well and also she was IN FUCKING GIRLS ALOUD. But if her solo career was all we were going on, we'd have to say she was quite poorly indeed.
Her first track, 'Beat Of My Drum,' despite being balls-to-the-wall brilliant and essentially being a better version of Madonna's big comeback single only recorded and released several months earlier, landed with a thud at #27 in the UK. Then, her big followup - the Dragonette (!!) penned 'Lucky Day' - fared even worse down at #40. Sure the album cracked the top 20, but it's the UK for chrissake. It's not like it's that difficult.
But none of that unfortunateness will deter our little red minx. No, Nicola soldiers bravely on in true British fashion, with a brand new video for 'Yo-Yo.' It's a very good song, but like her other VERY GOOD SONGS, it will probably do absolutely nothing on the charts. It's quite nice of her to give us a video clip for it, though, don't we think? (Yes.)
The video features a party, a crushed velvet dress, and also an ACTUAL YO-YO.
"I can't see anything you guys...is my album doing well??"
It is a fact that some of the best, most deserving acts in pop history have been largely overlooked, just as it is also a fact that some of the least deserving acts have gained the most success.
Pictured: the latter.
Unfortunately, it seems that trend shows no signs of stopping, as Nicola Roberts - the BRILLIANT Nicola Roberts - gears up to launch her debut solo album 'Cinderella's Eyes' next week. Lead single 'Beat Of My Drum,' despite being refreshing and different and not at all like anything else on the radio, bombed outside the top 20 because it was refreshing and different and not at all like anything else on the radio. Follow up, and current single, 'Lucky Day,' has made even less impact, though it's not actually released til tomorrow so it could still surprise everyone and be a top 5 smash or something. (it won't.)
On the surface it seems like everything was done right, too. A genius marketing plan, pitting Nic against the other Girls Aloud solo success, Cheryl Cole, was particularly inspired, with 'Team Ginge' shirts showing up everywhere from high street shops to Paul O'Grady's back. The artwork and imagery was kind of spectacular as well, and with a newsworthy rivalry and a high-fashion-hooker look in tow, Miss Roberts was ready to be launched into the pop stratosphere. And then ....nothing happened.
Womp womp.
In any case, Nicola's people are still trucking along with the promo, as now we see the debut of a lyric video for album track 'Sticks and Stones.' It's all sad and weepy and woe-is-me-except-not-really-because-I-am-a-popstar-and-you-are-not, and is VERY GOOD INDEED in a "very good album track but not at all a single" kind of way.
So take a listen, buy 'Lucky Day' tomorrow, and get the album when it comes out next week. Because the gingers are counting on your support. And if you don't do as they say, they'll come after you.
We've come to the sad realization that Nicola Roberts will never be the HUGE ALL-CONQUERING POP STAR she deserves to be. We reached this conclusion after a lot of thought (read: alcohol) one night, just as London was becoming engulfed in anarchy and a few days after we heard 'Lucky Day' for the first time.
It's not that people don't like Nicola. In fact, it's not that people won't buy her records. It's just that she's a "grown up" pop star. She'll no doubt be lauded with praise by "the critics" and such - as she should be - and all the bougie types will say "my, isn't she so much better than Cheryl Cole," but all that praise will probably end in a long string of mid-tier chart hits while some autotuned ringtone avatar rules the pop scene.
It's the same thing that happened to such brilliant pop divas as Lykke Li and Roisin Murphy. And while Nicola CLEARLY has the more normal name of the bunch, her music is no more appealing to the kids who are out terrorizing half the UK right now. And it's those kids who buy things off the iTunes these days.
So - and we're talking directly to Nicola now, because she totally reads this site (citation needed): When 'Lucky Day' winds up barely scraping the top 20 and you're crying into your Nutella jar, take some consolation in this: It's not that you suck. It's just that no hooligan on this earth wants to torch a Nando's at 1am while blaring 'Lucky Day' out of his Droid.
If this one isn't top 10 I'll bleach everything I swear
One of our readers, whom we shall call "Ray" because that is his actual name, recently opined that we have been prone to hyperbole in a few of our posts. Fully accepting that, on occasion, this might be the case, as an experiment we are putting up the following official preview of Nicola Roberts' forthcoming single without fanfare or praise.
Instead, we are forgoing our usual overzealous handwringing by posting of the new 'Lucky Day' snippet without taking sides, or calling it PHENOMNUTS or whatever word we came up with during a Xanax and TheraFlu binge, or screaming at you in caps lock about how it is a terrifyingly excellent gift to humanity sent down from the heavens to reward us for not making Rebecca Black's new single a hit.
It has some vocals by Nicola, some words and music by Dragonette, and is out officially on September 18 for download and physical purchase in the UK. And that is all we are going to say about it, because we are fully committed to giving our readers non-biased, fact based information that is not tainted by our personal opinion.
And because if you all don't realize it is F*CKING AMAZING on your own then you have no business calling yourselves pop fans.
This is Nicola filming the video for 'Lucky Day.' In New York. WHERE WE LIVE.
It is no secret that Nicola Roberts is amazing. That is, it is no secret to us and two of our friends that Nicola Roberts is amazing, while it remains a complete secret to the rest of our friends, some people we don't like, and the record buying public at large.
Her debut single was a love-it-or-hate-it phenomfest of the highest order, that limped to #27 thanks to an ill-advised on air/on sale release. We wrote all about that debacle here but the long and short of it is that IT WAS A STUPID IDEA AND SOMEONE MUST PAY.
Chart floppage aside, Nicola IS amazing, ladies and gentlemen, to the point where if the next song she chucks out isn't number 1 for seventeen weeks we will do something drastic and unpredictable like move into Xenomania's basement or become vegetarians. So....do with that what you will.
Also, while we're on the subject, you know who else is amazing? Dragonette. Yes, the ones that did that song 'Hello' with that guy whose name you can't pronounce. But also the ones who did the phenomenal debut album that no one heard, and the even better sophomore album that a few more people, but still not enough to not qualify as "no one," heard. So when we discovered that Nicola's second single will be 'Lucky Day,' her collaboration with the band, we squealed we with delight, did a bit of the dance from the 'Beat Of My Drum' video and then exploded into a cloud of pixie dust.
So here's what's going on with the Nicola Roberts thing:
- The single did that whole "on air/on sale" mess and proved that what everyone has assumed will be the marketing method of the future may not actually be the marketing method of the future because it's kind of stupid but also kind of brilliant, depending on what kind of artist you are and whether it actually works. In Nic's case it DID NOT.
- After 'Beat of My Drum' stalled at #27, the Ginger One's label PR reps released statements saying things like "EVERYTHING IS FINE NO ONE PANIC" while wildly updating their resumes.
- Since we're in a recession and none of them got new jobs, Nicola's label PR reps had to stick this one out, and decided to make one last push to make this single work because failing at a job is still better than being unemployed. That push, luckily for all of us, is a RATHER BRILLIANT POP TUNE that will appear as the b-side to the CD single of 'Beat of My Drum,' which is, incidentally, out Monday to buy in the UK. It is a tune that will entice about 6 people to actually buy the single, and will probably propel the A-side track to something like #35 if we're lucky. But it is STILL A BRILLIANT POP TUNE.
Ok so Nicola’s single has debuted at a lowly number 27 but there is NO REASON TO PANIC.
You see, Nicola (read: Nicola’s handlers) has a plan. A plan that probably didn’t include a barely-top-thirty debut, but a plan nonetheless. It’s a plan that hops on the relatively untested on-air/on-sale model of selling a record, which has come into existence to battle the marauding troupes of music-plundering pirates roaming the interweb seas, and is accordingly either insane or brilliant or both at the same time.
Traditionally, a song would go to radio a few weeks before its release, then a video would come out just as the single hit stores, and all of the pent up consumer demand would lead to a healthy peak position and all the GLORIOUS HEADLINES AND SHOWERINGS OF PRAISE that came with it. But then the evil pirates came, with their Limewires and their torrents, and EVERYTHING CHANGED. The throngs of music listeners became increasingly agitated that they could not own songs that they so very much loved until the “official release date,” so they began seeking out illegal copies. And also a lot of people just wanted their music for free, but we’re fixing that (read: not fixing it at all) by arresting children and housewives and stuff. As for the impatient masses, though, record companies came up with the on-air/on-sale model, where a track is available for purchase the very instant it debuts on the radio.
Some notable artists have used the on-air/on-sale model already, but the majority of those are acts who had some sort of clout with the record buying public already - Gaga, Katy Perry, people who can shift records based on their name alone. So what to do with an artist like poor ginger Nic? No one is going to buy the debut solo track of a girl who was in a band without hearing it first – especially after the whole Nadine debacle (sad face) – so it would be unreasonable to expect an impressive chart placing after only a few days at radio.
But on the flip side, postponing the release could lead to some of those who want the track downloading it illegally, costing the label the revenue from those sales. So the record company had a choice – either sacrifice a decent chart debut and risk the headlines proclaiming Nicola’s solo career a flop before it had even begun, or make a few hundred extra pounds off of some £0.79 downloads.
And we all know which one they chose.
BUT FEAR NOT, SCOPISUBJECTS – for the “men upstairs” have thought this all through. For you see, Nicola's number-twenty-seven-charting 'Beat Of My Drum' is more of a “buzz single” than a "proper single, and is only intended to drum up interest for the NEXT single, which will have the brand recognition created by this one behind it. And THAT ONE (not THIS ONE) is the single that will properly launch the album, and be the one that everyone should care about.
So in essence, according to the record company, who is always honest and forthcoming and infallible in every way, “everything is fine and this isn’t a disaster because we all knew it wouldn’t be a hit anyway because it was never intended to be, unless when it’s actually released it BECOMES a hit, in which case that’s what we always intended and we’re very glad it turned out just as we had planned.”
Just so we’re clear on that. But the one thing we're not clear on still is whether the new on-air/on-sale model is a wise move for artists like Nicola, or should be confined to established acts who can sell records even without heavy airplay and weeks of promotion. Is it really worth sacrificing a top ten chart position for a few extra pennies? Or would a chart-storming debut create better buzz for the album and future singles than does a couple low-selling weeks of extra availability? We tend to think the latter, but we're sure whoever does the books at Music Accounting Towers would disagree.
However this whole thing turns out, though, we’d just like to point out that this album is shaping up to be a genuine masterpiece of pop, in a way that is deeply, deeply exciting. In fact, we'll go so far as to say tat all signs are pointing to it being the genre-defining record of the year that Gaga thought she was making but wasn’t. And no number 27 chart debut can take that away.
So the new Nicola single is PROPERLY OUT now, and the breakdown of reactions goes something like this...
...except the uneaten pie stands for people who love the song and the small, sad, eaten portion stands for people who obviously have no taste in music and therefore do not enjoy the tune in the least. And also just had a LOT of empty calories.
Though it's been out only a couple hours, 'Beat' is already in the Top 20 of iTunes, so apparently the large number of people who love the song are also the same people who are the sort to legally download a track that they like, which is definitely good news for everyone on Team Ginger.
The bigger news, however, is that ahead of its "official debut" tomorrow, the video has already found its way onto the interwebs. And it is what we term a RESOUNDING TRIUMPH.
It's obviously made "on a bit of a budget" but is a perfect example of how natural charisma and a few fun and unique ideas can do quite a lot with very little. In fact, it has more spunk and energy than most any of the videos coming from the big stars these days. It's free from the overblown audacity that has become a near requisite element of post-Gaga music video making, and it is all the better for it.
There is no sweeping camera work, no "bigger is better" explosions or giant dance club scenes for no reason - it's just a girl with a ton of talent doing what she does best in front of a filming crew. The viewer is left with the (correct) impression that Nicola is in fact the MAIN EVENT of the video, and we should all be grateful for this. With a tiny flip of her hair and a few dance moves that look as effortless as they are well executed, Nic is shaping up to be "the real deal" and all the other divas out there who rely on tricks and big budgets and all manner of unshockingly-shocking antics should be VERY WORRIED INDEED.
And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is how you make an epic single cover
Nicola Roberts was always the sort of forgotten one in Girls Aloud - well, along with all the other ones who weren't Cheryl Cole. But then she got kind of fashionable and then she got kind of fierce and with the debut just now of her first solo track, she also has VERY PROMISING MUSICAL OUTPUT.
Produced by some people that did things for Goldfrapp and a guy that made Britney sound like she gave a shit, 'Beat Of My Drum' does a great job of introducing Nicola as one of the very few artists who are not afraid to chuck out something that sounds completely different to everything else that is on the radio.
It's urgent, it's frantic, it's a barely-contained hurricane of beats and samples, but every time it verges on getting a little too messy it pulls it back and dives head-first into a brilliantly catchy chorus. It does just what a great debut pop single should do - it pushes the boundaries but doesn't go over them, guides the conversation instead of just being part of it, and it makes a GIANT FLASHING NEON STATEMENT to the throngs of pop plebs chomping at the bit.
And that statement is: "Nicola is about to be huge."
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