It all began with 'Livin La Vida Loca,' a genuine stormer of a track that introduced the English-speaking world to uber-sexy Ricky with his frosted tips and too-tight Kenneth Cole henleys, and ended five years later as we all did the record-buying equivalent of the Walk Of Shame, realizing in our haze that we collectively bought THIRTY MILLION of his albums. During that period Ricky chucked out a bunch of hits, swivelled his hips a bit, and did 'She Bangs' (which we all laughed because while SHE might want to bang HIM, it was quite obvious he didn't quite return her interest if you know what we're getting at).
As further proof that 9/11 CHANGED EVERYTHING, Ricky's star began to fade after 2002. By the time his next album 'Life' came out in 2005 no one really cared and it was a bit cringy anyway, as Mr. Martin tried to be "urban" in that way that your dad tries to rap so he can be "down with the home slices" when he takes you out for pizza after your baseball game. The lead single 'I Don't Care' came out and everyone kind of said "we don't either" and that was that.
Well, some gaybies and a perfunctory coming out (we love that even post-outing he still sings 'She Bangs' with no hint of irony) later, and Ricky's back and...not as big as before. For his new single he has teamed up with soul superbitch Joss Stone, who has had her own period of mediocrity as of late, and it's certainly not the corker we imagine it would take to put him back on top ( note: we were going to do another 'She Bangs' joke here but even we are getting a bit sick of that bit).
To illustrate why this isn't the HUGE TRACK he needs to regain his superstar status, we've compiled the following list of the track's highs and lows:
A LIST OF THINGS ABOUT THE NEW RICKY MARTIN SINGLE:
HIGHS:
The part where it sounds like a crap version of Jason Mraz's 'I'm Yours'
LOWS:
The part where he says 'manana' because he is Latin and 'in touch with his people'
And that is all we came up with because we are literally indifferent to the ENTIRE REMAINDER OF THE RECORD.
THE END
Still, there's something endearing about the song, as it kind of enhances that hot DILF "I'm tender with my children but still have muscles and facial hair and tattoos and really big hands" vibe he's got going on now.
All tame and MOR, it will likely play well (and for months and months to come) on AC radio all over middle America, but we can't help feeling he could do with just a little more swiveling of the hips. In any case, we're very conflicted as to whether we like this track or not for all the foregoing reasons. Take a listen and help us make up our minds...
Ricky Martin - The Best Thing About Me is You (Feat. Joss Stone) by cernicaloviudo
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