Jessie J falls down like a 'Domino' in new video - watch now

Haters gon' hate.

We get that Jessie J is a BONA FIDE TALENT or whatever but that doesn't mean she can't still piss us off.  We're not sure why either.  Are we annoyed that she always looks like a tranny in that awful bob?  Or that she over-emotes to the point that we want to cut her face off? 

It could be both.

Which is unfortunate, because each of those things is on FULL DISPLAY in her new video for the admittedly very very good 'Domino.'  It's a jam and it has a beat and you can dance to it but to be fair it could have been sung by literally anyone and still be just as good, if not better. 

Anyway, the video finds JJ mugging for the camera in some glittery catsuits and some 90's gear, and it's all jazzed up by some "inventive edits" in order to disguise the fact that the whole thing was done "on the cheap."  And here it is.

Rihanna says 'You Da One' in her new video

This is a thing that happened.

Rihanna just wrapped up her GIANT ALL-CONQUERING TOUR in London, but apparently she was quite busy even while that was going on, shooting videos and collapsing from exhaustion and the like.  Luckily the 'You Da One' video, which just premiered, doesn't find her actually doing that much, so hopefully it didn't contribute to her fatigue too much.

Unfortunately the fact it doesn't find her doing much means it's a pretty boring watch, unless you're a fan of dodgy wigs (which we understand many of our readers are).  To be honest we've never been a huge fan of Rihanna's midtempo "jAmZ," as we're not sure she has the voice for such things and they always trend to the boring side of "good," but as generic pop songs go we're not going to complain about 'You' and instead will just say it's highly unlikely to unseat her current #1 track 'We Found Love' from the peak of the charts. 

Speaking of 'We Found Love,' congrats, RiRi, on your longest running chart-topper ever.  Maybe you can celebrate by donning a tacky blond weave and running around in black-and-white for a few minutes.

OH WAIT.

The Lips that we call Lana Del Rey has a new video out and here it is

Even this photo smells like patchouli and BO

First off we would like to apologize for our SHOCKING LACK OF POSTS over the last few days.  We've been doing several things, including organizing our "BEST OF 2011" list and also drinking quite a lot. But lo, ScopiSubjects, our silence is broken!  For the large-lipped Lana Del Rey has foisted another video into our pop pubis and it absolutely demands to be snarked about.

Initially we were kind of interested in Lana, in a "she totally gets that she's that cat lady with all the plastic surgery and it's fun and self-knowing and winkingly ironic" way, but then it turned out that actually she had no idea she was a walking fauxhemian joke and pretended to be all REAL and AUTHENTIC while attempting miserably to speak out of her labia-with-an-allergic-reaction mouth.

It wasn't that we were no longer interested at all, however, as most pop stars these days seem to have a healthy amount of selective memory and social blindness when it comes to their own ridiculousness.  But then she did that awful video teaser thing where she was naked and cuddling with a homeless and called it the OFFICIAL VIDEO but then also stuck a thing at the bottom of the OFFICIAL VIDEO saying "OFFICIAL VIDEO COMING SOON."

And THAT is when we completely lost interest.

Anyway here's her new video and it's actually not half bad but for us it is TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE and we're afraid that to us Lana Del Rey will always be that vagina-lipped girl who hugs smelly hipsters for cash.

Kelly Clarkson gets 'Stronger' in new video - watch the premiere now!

My boobs are made of Grammys

Our last post was all DOOM and GLOOM and WILL.I.AM pretending anyone gives a shit what he does.  Which is why it's so good that today, the LIVING RAY OF SUNSHINE that is Kelly Clarkson released her video for 'Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)'.  It's a good reminder just in time for the holidays - that no matter how many unintentionally-terrifying Justin Bieber videos come out, as long as we can make it through alive, we will come out the other side a better person with bigger pecs and biceps.

Or something.

Anyway, the video is Kelly doing her usual Kelly thing, but also has an added flash mob thing going.  It's super cute in a "flash mobs are a thing that was awesome a couple years ago so lets do one in a video" kind of way.  The choreography was put out a while back, in order to give KC's fans a chance to learn it and perform it in the clip, and the payoff is a lot of fun to watch.

As for the song, 'Stronger' is the second single from Clarkson's fifth (!!) solo album, and it is very good.  Not as good as 'Mr. Know It All,' but a smidge more addicting and certainly hit-worthy.  Which is good, because we have a feeling we'll be hearing it quite a bit all winter.

Signs of the Apocalypse #12 and #13 - Will.i.am's 'T.H.E.' and Justin Beiber

Ok so we're only a few days away from 2012, which is when the world is totally going to end if you ask alarmist tabloids or the people who make Discovery Channel "documentaries".  And you know what, ScopiSubjects?  WE BELIEVE IT.  Because judging by the following two videos, we are careening wildly toward a horrific nightmarish oblivion like the dream world from The Cell or something, and it will totally have J.Lo in it too but not the good J.Lo, the crappy one when she was chucking out shit like 'Loubitons' and falling on her ass on stage.

Yes this week saw the debuts of two videos by - and it pains us to say this - two of the most popular male acts of our time.  Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, and Justin Bieber.  Both are horrifying - the first, for its overblown ego-centric budget-busting monstrousness, and the second, for, well, LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

First up we have good ol' Bill.  We know we weren't the only ones who threw a handful of glitter-confetti when The Black Eyed Peas announced their hiatus from music, but it turns out that all that means is we have to deal with even more of Will.i.am on his own.  Which in its own way is even more terrifying, since we don't have the buffer of cutaways to that one dude in the group with long hair who doesn't actually do anything to protect us.

So Will has gone off and done another solo track to fill his time, but AS IS THE WAY NOWADAYS, it's not actually solo at all, and features J.Lo (The Cell!) and Mick Jagger because of course it does.  The song itself is actually not terrible - it features some "sick beatz" etc. - but we just can't get over the video in which Will.i.am does "crazy things" and appliances rain from the sky and then nonsense happens in bombastic and heavy-handed fashion.  It's not that the video is bad, really, it's just that -like most of the Black Eyed Peas output - it's kind of a buffet of "lowest common denominator."  It's as if some focus group wrote a stream-of-consciousness list of all the expensive and flashy ways to make Middle America think a pop star was "balling" or whatever the kids say these days, and then Will.i.am read it and was like "oooh this is good - let's do all these things but also make them suck."


So there's that and it's out there and we all just have to deal with it.

Which brings us to Bieber - pop's premiere mouse-lesbian.  Now, just to make things clear, we don't hate the Beeb.  He's a talented kid who just had everything go exactly right for him, and there's no reason to begrudge him that.  But as much as we approve of his modern day rags-to-riches story, we cannot sign off on his new, literally frightening, Mad Max Christmas nightmare of a video. 

We'd go into the specifics of why, exactly, it is the video antichrist, but to do so would require reliving each chilling moment of the tinsel-tainted shitstorm that is "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."  And that, dear readers, is something we just cannot bring ourselves to do.


Pray.

Diana Vickers is back with the a FREE DOWNLOAD of the brilliant 'Make The Boys Cry'

I'm the only thing holding up this wall.

Diana Vickers was a semi-finalist on the UK X-Factor, then a number one-selling pop star for a minute and then a has-been about a minute later.  That's the way it goes in this world of flash-in-the-pan pop strumpets - at least those with little real talent.  But lack of talent wasn't why Diana crashed and burned.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.

It all started out well, when after being eliminated from the X-Factor, Miss Vickers signed with a label and chucked out the amazing 'Once' which topped the charts and was one of the pop highlights of the year.  Her followup single didn't fare so well, but that was fine because its parent album had just been released and followed 'Once' to the number one position.

But then it came time to do that "album relaunch" thing which was all the rage for about a year, so Di-Vi went back into the studio to cut some new tracks for a SUPERFLUOUS DELUXE MONEY-GRAB VERSION of her debut album.  That single was 'My Wicked Heart' and it was

literally


amazing.

Here it is if you don't believe us.


AMAZING. (just ignore the video...)

It's a slice of pop perfection with a healthy dose of personality and quirk.  But we'll be the first to admit that it isn't the most immediate and radio-friendly track either.  And for the everyday pop fan it proved to be a bit too much quirk.  It's more of an artistic masterpiece than it is a pop hit, a fact borne out by its eventual peak at 13 on the charts, which makes Diana quite an anomaly in the pop world.  For it wasn't because she was a talentless hack that she lost favor with record buyers.  It was actually the opposite - she failed because she was TOO TALENTED AND AMAZING.

So poor, unappreciated Diana split ways with her label RCA, and no one really heard from her for a while and we all just assumed she was off doing a pantomime in Cheshire or something.

BUT THAT WAS NOT THE CASE.

No, instead Diana was recording a new album that - if the first taste of it is anything to go on - is going to be RATHER TREMENDOUS.

Vickers has just offered up a download of 'Music To Make The Boys Cry,' which manages to have all the artsy street cred of 'My Wicked Heart' but wrap it up in a glittering electropop package.  It is a bittersweet midtempo jam of the highest order, but will also sound brilliant when some talented DJ comes long and puts a donk on it.  WHICH HAD BETTER BE SOON.

Anyway, you can listen to 'Music' below, and get it as a free download HERE


Music To Make The Boys Cry by mdstmgmt

Wait Ke$ha is still flogging that album? 'Sleazy' gets a revamp and release Dec 13

This is what Xtina would look like if she PUT DOWN THE FORK

We kind of forgot about Ke$ha there for a while, which is probably exactly why she is reworking her track 'Sleazy' from her 'Cannibal' album, chucking a few rappers on it and kicking it out of her glittertrash nest on December 13, hoping that it will soar to chart heights rather than splatter on the sidewalk below.

It's a bit of a by-the-numbers move, to be honest.  Hasn't the NOW WITH ADDED RENT-A-RAPPER thing been done enough?  Why, for example, can't she remake it with a didgeridoo band and Yo-Yo Ma, or rerecord it with a nunnery choir or something crazy and unexpected?

BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOO AMAZING AND OUR HEADS WOULD EXPLODE, THAT IS WHY.

Anyway, according to the beglittered one herself:

“Get ready to get even $leazier with this sick collaboration I did with 4 of my favorite MCs of all time: Weezy, Andre 3000, Wiz Khalifa, and T.I. I opened the “Get $leazy” tour with this song every night and it always got the party started…Get ready, this is the SICKEST and SLEAZIEST version YET.$.”

Yes.  Let's break that down, shall we.

First, we want to point out that apparently it is mandatory that even Ke$ha's press must include dollar signs, which means that some poor intern (we'll call her Rachel) who pretends to be the star on Twitter has to make 2 extra keystrokes every time an "s" comes up. 

Second, isn't T.I. in jail?  No?  Well whatever he still sucks.

Third, what the hell are you on about, Ke$ha's intern Rachel?  Of course this is the SICKEST and SLEAZIEST version YET.  There has only ever been one version, so it's not like there was a bevy of competition.  Relax.

Fourth, there's an extra dollar sign at the end of whatever that was up there.  Whether it was a mistake or an intentional insertion by Rachel to underscore the ridiculousness of random punctuation, we will never know.  But we like to imagine that somewhere, in a dark broom closet at RCA Records, Rachel sat with her company-owned iPad, and plunged her finger dramatically down on the dollar sign in an act of final, overt defiance, just as she expired from exhaustion and acute Red Bull poisoning.

Here's the album version.  Which is VERY GOOD INDEED but could definitely do with a choir of nuns.

Kelly Rowland performs on UK X Factor and...is not Beyonce

Yes.

We love Kelly Rowland.  We want to be clear about that up front. 

We also are not blind, and we are certainly not deaf.  Which means that despite all our love for Miss K, we are fully aware that she IS NOT BEYONCE.

That fact was on full display when K-Ro took to the stage at the UK X-Factor with a medley of her biggest upbeat hits, but bless her heart, she certainly did try her ass off didn't she. 

Her vocals are a little wobbly, the choreography isn't spectacular, and she ends up looking a bit more like one of the X-Factor contestants than one of the superstars who frequent its stage, but Kelly's always had something about her that we just love nonetheless.

Unfortunately, the general populous doesn't feel the same way, as her latest album bombed at #56 in the UK this week. 

So....womp womp, etc.