A picture of a popstar trying to look like a popstar
Apparently Taio Cruz has been hanging out at the Christina Aguilera School Of Over-singing lately, because his cover of John Lennon's 'Imagine' is kind of a mess. Rather than pump up the backing instrumentation into something unique and interesting, Taio - whose output we usually love - has instead decided to do some DEFCON-1 VOCAL GYMNASTICS over a cookie-cutter piano-and-string karaoke track.
We totally understand the urge to "make the song your own," but the way to do that isn't by creating the EXACT SAME melismatic nightmare of runs and whoops that every other "listen to how well I can sing" singer chucks out.
The shocking thing about this is not that former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter has a song. Rather, it's that Nick Carter has a song that is ACTUALLY VERY GOOD. We're genuinely taken aback that it is not some faux R&B shit-hop mess, and as a result of our shock we really don't have a lot to say about it.
So here's the video for it - a slightly-out-of-focus 'artsy' thing that is adequate at least and good at best, but does accomplish the important feat of showing us that Nick is no longer fat.
There are a lot of top 10 lists at the end of each year. It can be difficult to decide which one to rely on as GOSPEL TRUTH - a problem which inevitably leads to new-year depression and shame-sex. Luckily, though, ScopiSat has the solution to this very real social malady: just use ours.
CRISIS AVERTED. And now you have to blame your shame-sex on something else.
So here we go - the details: we've limited the applicant pool to those songs that were released as singles (although who the hell knows what that even means anymore) during the 2010 calendar year, and which placed in the official singles chart in either the UK (Official top 75), the US (on the Billboard Hot 100, Pop or Dance charts) or Europe (Billboard top 100 aggregated from all European charts, including Germany, UK, Spain, etc.). Our list order was determined by a host of hazy criteria, starting with the number of plays each track received on ScopiSat's iTunes and iPod but also taking into account some boring things like sales and charts and "artistic accomplishment."
Really, all you need to know is that these are all songs from 2010 that WE VERY MUCH LIKE and accordingly, must be QUITE GOOD INDEED.
Anyhoodle, enough with all that - you're here to lazily browse an article written at an 8th grade level, and far be it from us to delay your gratification. So without further ado...
THE TOP 10 OF '10
10. Dancing On My Own - Robyn (UK: #8, US Dance: #3)
Robyn really came into her own in 2010. She was all but written off after her brief but intense stint as a BIG POP STAR back in the 90s, and only began to return to prominence with her 2007 UK and European hits 'With Every Heartbeat' and 'Be Mine!'. It wasn't until this year, however, that the whole world came (back) under her spell. The song that kicked it all off, 'Dancing On My Own,' was, for the unindoctrinated, the ideal introduction to the star's downtrodden but still somehow uplifting beats, and yet managed to stay completely true to what her die hard fans expected. This year it might have been often imitated (yeah, we called you out, Alesha), but at the end of the day 'Dancing' is still the absolute epitome of "weeping at the disco" pop, and ain't nobody can cry into an appletini like our girl Robyn.
09. I Like It - Enrique Iglesias (US: #4, UK: #4, EU: #4)
Our number nine pick is another comeback of sorts. Enrique Iglesias' career fell completely off right about the same time his mole did, so he did what any sensible Latin act would do - he went back to his roots and chucked out some Spanish-language hits. By all accounts those releases were pretty successful, but in the English-speaking world he faded into the collective memory as a relic of the early-2000's Latin Invasion along with...well, pretty much everyone else connected to that whole thing. Then something really strange happened. And no, we're not talking about him waterskiing naked. We're talking about him, years after fading from relevance completely, pulling an ACTUAL POP GEM out of his tight little ass and flinging it to the top of the charts. 'I Like It' is an autotuned Frankenstein combination of pop cheese, sceney credibility, and even a rap by Pitbull....you know, for the kids. Add in a video featuring the Jersey Shore cast (we're looking at you, Vinny...with your big muscles and pouty lips...) and you have a perfect pop culture storm. Way to go Enrique. And seriously: Vinny.... you can call us. Any time.
08. My Wicked Heart - Diana Vickers (UK: #13)
Since losing the X-Factor in 2008, Diana Vickers has become somewhat of a musical genius, churning out tunes that are both inventive and credible, and also relatively commercially successful. Her #1 debut track 'Once' is 4 minutes of unique, personality-driven pure genius, and barely missed the cut for this chart itself. 'My Wicked Heart,' released as her third single/launch of her debut album re-release, took the quirk factor and dialed it up to 11, and in the process eclipsed all her other tunes to become one of our favorite jams of the year. It's one of those songs that is both challenging and familiar, and in this age of cookie-cutter Gaga rip-offs is a true breath of fresh air. The video's fun and stuff, but nothing to write home about - the real way to enjoy this baby is to strap on some headphones, close your eyes, and let the song take you to whatever weird-ass place it came from.
07. Wonderful Life - Hurts (UK: #21, EU#10, US )
Not too long ago, Hurts were the up-and-coming band to watch according to "the blogs" and "the critics" and a couple people on Twitter with too much time on their hands. Then they were sort of cool among annoying hipsters and "Pitchfork-is-the-Bible" types and then the hipsters got high and forgot they existed and then all of a sudden everyone loved them and they had an actual hit for some reason. 'Wonderful Life' is that hit, and it is very good. We've chosen to post the Freemasons mix of the track - not because the original is bad, but because the remix is equally as delightful and essentially was the "official radio version" for much of the song's chart campaign because while people do like to cry and be melancholy, a far greater number of people like to cry and be melancholy while DANCING.
06. One - Sky Ferriera (UK: #64)
This baby just barely satisfied our entry criteria (it eked out one week in the UK official top 75) but we are super glad it did because otherwise we'd have to change the rules completely so that it could be included and that's just a hassle for everyone involved. Though 'One' barely charted upon release in the UK, it is universally revered as a masterpiece of pop by all fourteen people lucky enough to have heard it. The song has the notable advantage of being accompanied by one of the best music videos since the medium's 80's heyday, but even sans visuals it stands up as its own work of art. It has soaring synths and addictive riffs, and while 'One' didn't set the charts on fire, it certainly made us VERY EAGER to hear what this girl has in store for us when her album is released on 1-11-11.
05. Lose My Mind - The Wanted (UK: #9)
Every so often, a song comes along that dares you to not love it. 'Lose My Mind' is that kind of song, and considering its source - a wet-behind-the-ears British boyband, that's a bit surprising. It has a lazy verse that draws the listener in, only to blindside their ears with a killer chorus before anyone knows what's happening. It kind of musically roofies you - coaxing you into a state of delightful, hazy calm until BAM you wake up in an Arizona State frathouse bunkbed and can't find your Umbro shorts you wore for the previous night's "Bros-only" Twister party that ended up just being you and that guy who said his name was Tony and his "cousin" who was like 40 and bought you beer.... Anyhow, while easily more than half of this track's appeal is its production, every note and transition is mixed to poptastic perfection. The group's other songs aren't half bad, of course, but this jam really rises to the occasion. We have a feeling that 'Lose My Mind' will go down as The Wanted's equivalent to N*Sync's 'Pop' - a glorious standout amongst an above-average catalog that will never be matched, mostly due to the fact that one of the greedy douches in the band will go solo and RUIN EVERYTHING before the group has a chance to try.
04. On A Mission - Gabriella Cilmi (UK: #9, AUS: #16)
Gabriella Cilmi, who made a name for herself with worldwide hit 'Sweet About Me,' returned this year with her sophomore album and its lead single 'On A Mission.' And on a mission she certainly was. Abandoning the laid-back jazzy vibe of her first offerings, Gabriella jumped, Cinderella-style, into the sparkly glass slipper of a bona fide pop diva, and the whole world watched as she fit into it perfectly. It's synthy and 80's and boasts an anthemic chorus, and coupled with her booming voice and banging body, this track certainly gets its 'Mission' accomplished.
The most successful of all the songs on our list, 'Dynamite' was pretty much inescapable this year - and for very good reason. The track managed to cross nearly every musical boundary, showing up on R&B stations, top 40 playlists and AC compilations - and miraculously didn't drive everyone crazy in the process. It is one of those rare songs that everyone in the world can sing along to, and not feel like a sell-out or scenester while doing it. This jam is just a fun slice of musical heaven, mixing urban elements with straight-up pop in a sundae of gooey goodness that does many things - not least of all reminds us just how much better we can all do than the goddamned Black Eyed Peas.
02. Satellite - Lena (EU: #1, UK: #30)
After winning the Eurovision Song Contest with our number two jam, 19 year old Lena - previously an unknown German schoolgirl - was rocketed into superstardom on the back of one of the most enduring tracks in a great while. Some tracks rely on glitz or fancy production or flashy music videos, but even with none of those things on its side, 'Satellite' rose to the top of the heap by just being a damn good song. For her part, Lena, who at first appears to be an unlikely pop star, has a natural charisma that injects something really special into the song and elevates the whole thing from an adequately delicious glazed donut into an absolutely heavenly custard eclair that we have been more than happy to gorge on all year long.
01. All The Lovers - Kylie (UK: #3, EU: #4, US Dance: #1, US: #102)
That's right, kids, our number one single of the year is Kylie's 'All The Lovers.' A slow burner - both musically and commercially - the track launched K-Mo's 'Aphrodite' album to worldwide success, including a shockingly impressive top 20 debut on the Billboard 200 US album chart and number 1 placings all over the globe. The track hung around the British charts for months and eventually became her biggest selling single there since 2001's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head.' Even in the US the song kept chugging along, and is perched firmly as Billboard's 3rd biggest dance song of the entire year. Not content to just chuck out a brilliant tune, though, Kylie also gave us one of the most iconic videos of the year to boot, and we think it's safe to say the track owes at least a little of its success to a 50-story sex volcano, some well trained doves, and a giant goddamn floating white elephant.
So yes, here you have it. Our ten picks of 2010. Well done to you all, champagne all around, etc. Except for you, Lena. We all saw you make a drunken fool of yourself at Eurovision and we can't have any of that nonsense up in here even if it IS the holidays.
The SUPER HETEROSEXUAL Sam Sparro is back, and...well, not as good as before. But he's back, and there are probably a few people (his parents and other immediate family) who care.
He first burst onto the scene with CERTIFIED TUNE 'Black and Gold,' and then did absolutely nothing except release a crap follow-up track that flopped on its ass right out of the gate.
Cut to 2 years later, and Sam has decided that if he can't be a mainstream pop star, he'll do what every struggling pop act does in their darkest moments - go for the gays.
Sparro's new track, 'Pink Cloud' is an almost vocal-less dance ditty that throws in all sorts of 90's synths and riffs and is kind of fun but also completely forgettable. The video, on the other hand, is actually pretty alright - albeit in an art-school-project kind of way. There's a lot of paint, and faces, and painted faces, and some other things that are kind of cool but not really interesting enough to write about.
So yeah, here's the video.
Also, Sam is offering his full new EP for free download if you go to THIS LINK.
Y'all already know that it's a red letter day for ScopiSat whenever Kylie comes out with something new - hell, we'd probably buy tickets to watch her do a shit as long as there were some screen projections and hot dancers - and today is no exception.
K-mo is fast rivaling self-proclaimed Queen Of Christmas Mariah Carey in the "festive output" department this year, as after chucking out a brand new holiday song, 'Let It Snow', Kylie has GONE BACK IN TIME and given us a video for her old recording of 'Santa Baby' for some reason.
There are no bells and whistles except for a GROUNDBREAKING (read: not groundbreaking at all) kaleidoscope effect that we think came for free on our MacBook Pro. Sure, it's better than Mariah's disastrous 'Auld Sang Lyne' mess. But a three minutes of our grandmother singing 'The Time' would be better than that, so we suppose it's not the best measuring stick....
Long story short, it's Kylie sitting in a leotard by a tree and it is VERY GOOD.
Natalia Kills, the British recording lady whom US audiences may know from her recent gig opening for EFFING ROBYN, has a new song out.
It's ok.
Like, it's not terrible by any means. But it's also not particularly great. We went on a whole tangent a couple weeks back about how Jessie J's single sounds like the tuneless R&B garbage that littered the pop landscape a few years ago, when being "authentic" and "street" was more important than a hook, and while 'Activate My Heart' doesn't quite scrape that soul-destroying barrel, it's not a long way off either.
It's kind of like if Rihanna's 'Rated R' album was a little more boring and had a little less budget.
That's right ScopiSubjects, we're bringing back the feature where it all started (the feature that, coincidentally, gave us our name) with one of our favorite Scopitones.
Yes. Yes we're excited too.
Scopitones were the first real music videos, back in the 60's, but were produced on special film that could only be played in jukebox-like video machines that were set up in bars and bowling alleys and the like all over the world. Because that made them super practical.
Anyhoodle, the boxes were generally located in drinking establishments, so the videos were allowed to be racier than just about any other media at the time. Scopitones were wildly popular for a brief time (we think it was a week in January of '67) and almost all the biggest artists of the day recorded at least one. Eventually the format died out, but not before we were left with a treasure trove of ACTUAL MUSICAL GEMS, like this subtle and understated classic - maybe our favorite Scopitone of all time.
It has all the things you'd expect from a mid-century adult-themed pop video - sex, overt racism, overtly racist sex, and a giant spiderweb made of boating rope because, why not?
This particular Scopitone holds a special place in our heart, because it foretold nearly every music video device we take for granted, like the liberal use of boobs, the co-opting of religious imagery, and singing in a birdcage with some wings and shit stuck to you. So basically everything Miley has ever done.
Feast your eyes on Joi Lansing, as she gets caught in a 'Web Of Love'
Leighton Meester, who musically fornicated with Robin Thicke, slummed it with Cobra Starship, and chucked out some BONA FIDE CORKERS from her still-unreleased electropop debut album and then inexplicably forgot all about the fact that she could sing, is FINALLY back on the pop radar. It's just a bit....different than what we expected her next move to be.
Not so long ago, Miss Meester was poised to become the American Sophie Ellis-Bextor, with some top shelf jams and her already cemented fashion icon status. But alas, somehow the project got shelved, and she's been all quiet on the music front for quite some time.
From her new movie "Country Strong," 'Summer Girl' is a sort of post-Taylor Swift pop-country effort with those kind of lyrics that are so insipid that they almost become clever and the hooks that you just can't deny. It's certainly not bad, and oddly Leighton makes quite the convincing country chick.
We still love our Leighton electro, but in the meantime we'll take what we can get.
"Country Strong" gets its nationwide release January 8
It's that time of year again, ScopiSubjects: The season for stress-eating, winter-weight, family lunacy, and some of the most ridiculous moments of recorded sound ever flung into a microphone.
But luckily these few days in December are also the time for giving crap gifts, receiving crap gifts, fashionably layering, and, most importantly, loving the hell out of some songs that at any other time of the year would be laughed off the airwaves.
So in honor of our second Christmas on the interwebs, we bring you the ScopiSat Top Ten Holiday Songs of All Time, based on a series of arbitrary criteria including how "Holiday Spirit-inducing the track is" and always remembering this is a blog that celebrates POP.
We warn you, there's a lot of cheer up in this bitch.
10. Run DMC - 'Christmas in Hollis'
In a world overrun with "traditional" holiday tunes, Run DMC shoved a little Queens in our stocking back in 1987, and it's been a classic ever since. It's such a jam, in fact, that they played it at the beginning of GODDAMNED "DIE HARD." Enough said.
09. The Carpenters - 'Merry Christmas Darling'
This is one of the few understated tunes you'll find on this list - if you haven't noticed, we have a fondness for the slightly ostentatious - but its subtlety and barely-contained emotion are what turned this 1970 track into a perennial favorite. Such a favorite, in fact, that just this year it was covered by Lea Michele on 'Glee.' With...uh...less subtlety. The video features a creepily-thin Karen Carpenter with a winter monster on her noggin. So....just putting that out there as a heads up.
08. Bill Nighy as Billy Mack - 'Christmas Is All Around Me'
Billy Mack Christmas Is All Around Me Uploaded by Bitoulamarmaille. - News videos from around the world.
Alright, we know we're going to get some crap from purists on this baby, but it's nothing we haven't heard before from Ke$ha fans (who, incidentally, have SHOCKINGLY FOUL MOUTHS), and no objection will change the fact that few tunes make us feel as much in the Christmas spirit as this one. Recorded by fake washed-up rocker Billy Mack for the 2004 film 'Love, Actually,' this bona-fide jam is a hastily reworked version of The Troggs' 'Love Is All Around Me.' Though it was intentionally bad - Nighy's character refers to the song as a "festering turd of a record" - it's got a certain earnestness about it that just can't be denied.
07. The Pogues ft. Kirsty MacColl - 'Fairytale of New York'
Pogues Fairytale Of New York Uploaded by stevanhogg. - News videos from around the world.
We heard this story once about how the woman who recorded the voice for the possessed kid in 'The Exorcist' was actually some 80 year old who prepared for the role every day by smoking a ton of reds and chugging whiskey. Well if she ever called in sick, Pogues lead singer Shane MacGowan could easily step right in. He's one of those singers that isn't an actual singer at all, but he and Ms. MacColl give this song a heart and soul that injects it with a life of its own. Maybe it's Shane's connection to Christmas that really shines through - he was born on Dec. 25. Tragically, and eerily, MacColl died in 2001, one week to the day before Christmas. These two artists have some crazy ties to the holidays for sure, and 'Fairytale' ensures this time of year is what we'll always remember them for.
06. Michael Buble - 'I'll Be Home For Christmas'
There may not be anything tougher than to make a truly classic song your own, but that's just what Michael Buble did when he rerecorded this holiday staple for his 2003 'Let It Snow!' (the "!" is because he's REALLY SERIOUS about it snowing, eh?) EP. To be fair, Buble could sing the phone book and we'd still daydream to it over a glass of wine and some Klonopin, but whatever this is a damn good track, and we won't hear another word about it.
05. Amy Grant - 'Grown Up Christmas List'
Ok, let's just get this out of the way - we heart Amy Grant. Hard. Sure, it's not surprising, considering our hyper-Christian upbringing, but it's also well deserved as she is quite an accomplished songwriter and seasoned performer. While most of the other singers on this list just showed up and did their job warbling to someone else's tune, Amy (that's Ms. Vince Gill if you're nasty) had a hand in writing a timeless song that has gone on to be rerecorded, translated and updated as the years pass. (As a side note, one of her entirely self penned tracks from the same parent album nearly made this list instead, but we deemed 'Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)' to be a little too niche.) Back in 1992 Amy chucked out this tune, and it's hard to imagine a world where it isn't a certified Christmas classic. Countless cover versions have come and gone (including one by our number 6 entrant, Michael Buble), but this cheesy electric keyboard schlockfest is still our go-to incarnation.
04. The Waitresses - 'Christmas Wrapping'
In 1981 the Akron, Ohio New-Wave band The Waitresses, who gave us 'I Know What Boys Like' and.....well, nothing else, foisted this tale of ski shops, sunburns, and tragic missed connections, onto an unsuspecting world just settling in for the Christmas holiday. It didn't even chart in their native country, and it hit biggest in the UK with a non-canon #45 placing. Still, nearly 20 years later this track has taken on a life of its own in every mid-tier department store and self-serve-soda-fountain restaurant in the English speaking world this time of year. It's the perfect mix of sass and sentiment, and we'll take a big helping what these Waitresses are serving up.
03. Kylie - 'Santa Baby'
Kylie Minogue - Santa Baby Uploaded by JFr62. - See the latest featured music videos.
Pop princess Kylie Minogue redefined the HO-lidays when she included this slutted up, jazzed down interpretation of the 1953 classic as a B-side to her 2000 UK top 10 hit 'Please Stay.' Since then it's recharted over and over, hopped across the ocean to the States, and, presumably, continued on to the North Pole where it seduced Santa, all of the straight male reindeer (there are 3, FYI) and then made off with the sleigh - presents in tow. A full decade later it's still selling like holiday hotcakes, because - Christmas or not - Santasex sells.
02. Adam Sandler - 'The Chanukah Song'
Surprised? You shouldn't be. This ode to the Jewish Festival Of Lights has become a staple of the holiday season. Despite its jokey inception, 'The Chanukah Song' filled a void in the lives of countless people who, understandably, had tired of the incessant banging-on about Saint Nick and Jesus and all of that junk that clutters the radio waves starting at about midnight on Halloween every f*cking year. But the song is really much more than just a Chanukah carol - it's a sort of anti-establishment holiday rallying cry for anyone who has ever felt out of place during the holidays. Don't feel like you and that fat-uncle-who-makes-you-sit-on-his-lap-even-though-you're-31-now-and-you-KNOW-he's-not-really-your-uncle really "get each other"? Listen to this list of other people who are holiday outcasts - you're not alone! Other people have been cast aside by Christmastime society! FAMOUS people! A lot of which undoubtedly have creepy uncles too. :(
01. Mariah Carey - 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'
Yeah, we know. You could see this coming a mile away. But you also can't deny that it really, truly, deserves to be here. It's the seminal example of pop music grabbing on to a deeply emotional, undeniably spiritual, definitively personal event and completely looting all its viable parts in aid of selling some goddamn records. In short, it is POP. But that shouldn't take away from the fact that for millions of people the world over, and, we're sure, one very fat Mariah, this tune has come to be synonymous with all things tinseled. Consistently the highest charting perennial holiday tune, we're obviously not alone in our assessment of the track's virtues. A true modern classic, there's really not a lot more to say about it, other than that despite the original video's iconography, we actually prefer the above clip with a bunch of gays mouthing the words. Because nothing says "festive" like some homos in scarves.
So there you have it. The definitive (read: not definitive at all) list of the ABSOLUTE BEST holiday tunes ever recorded.
BUT WAIT! It wouldn't be the holidays without presents, now would it? (readers: "no") So as a sort of runner-up/randomly tacked on addition, here is a totally free download of Hurts' new holiday track 'All I Want For Christmas Is New Years Day.'
Mariah at home (in outer space for some reason) with her pet Nick Canon
After her ALL CONQUERING (read: ratings flop) Christmas Special on ABC the other night, which barely edged out bona-fide viewer sinkhole 'Skating With The Stars' in terms of aging gay tv-watchers, Mariah has somehow already moved on to the next major holiday, New Years' Eve.
To celebrate the upcoming calendar change, Team Butterfly has knocked together a sort of "U.S. dance music in the 90's/Russian dance music now" rendition of traditional NYE anthem 'Auld Lang Syne'. Because, why not?
The video would be hilarious if she didn't seem to ACTUALLY BE TAKING HERSELF SERIOUSLY, but with tens of dollars and dozens of cleavage inches behind it, at least it's better than 'I Wanna Know What Love Is.'
Alexander McQueen was a rare, unique and controversial talent in the fashion world. His death was a shock and a loss to the entire fashion community. Somewhat belatedly, celebritographer Nick Knight has produced this rather stunning tribute to the designer, and tapped another rare and unique talent to score it: batshit insane Icelandic paparazzi-hunter and sometimes-songstress Bjork. To be honest we'd prefer something a bit more celebratory, but you can't please everyone all the time and we're not the easiest of critics, admittedly.
Luckily the video is just as impressive when played on mute. RIP, McQueen.
ScopiSat has been under the weather the last week (read: ACTUALLY DYING) so we apologize for the lack of posts. But to make up for it we have a doozy for you.
Scissor Sisters' current album campaign didn't exactly go to plan, with lead single 'Fire With Fire' missing the UK top ten and the follow up single 'Any Which Way' charting outside the Top 75 all together. Since they don't have to (can't really) worry about commercial success at the moment, the Sisters have decided to go super ARTSY and CUTTING EDGE and ALIENATING in a bid to either exorcise some of their inner sex demons, reclaim their status as cultural "outsiders," or both.
'Invisible Light' is a disco-electro (let's face it, it's Scissor Sisters, we all know what we're getting) romp but to be honest it's nothing particularly special. Perhaps that's why they chose to pair it with a video that combines some pretty dark themes with full-on nudity and turkey-eating.
We have to admit we're totally digging the video, and the song is growing on us. Maybe the Sisters haven't shot their wad after all?
There is a thing called a Japayork and though we initially thought it was some fusion of the infamous literary 'Jabbawocky' and a very posh J-pop band it is not. It is something almost as brilliant though, as it is the latest band to debut on the DEEPLY EXCITING Popjustice Hi-Fi label.
It also should be noted that Japayork is not actually a "band" as such, but is rather an ACTUAL PERSON by the name of...something irrelevant...and who does some very decent pop tunes in the vein of Frankmusik and MGMT.
His latest song, 'Teenagers,' is a super "now" track with a video to match, with kids doing all manner of things they are not supposed to but are completely expected as they are KIDS and that's just how they roll.
Unfortunately for U.S. listeners, they will have to acquire a bootleg (Rough Trade stocks the single FYI) or something, since no North American release is currently planned.
Everyone reacts a little differently when they see carbs.
Remember that ACTUALLY BRILLIANT 'Party In The USA' video by the group of rather sexy "confirmed bachelors" that took over the internet a few months back? Of course you do, you perverts - why else does the internet exist if not for watching grown men writhe around shirtless to the music of underage girls?
And if you're really going to pretend you haven't watched it at least once a week since the summer, here it is again in all its glory:
Well those guys are BACK and BIGGER THAN EVER (not physically, though, as one gentleman illustrates in the video, singing longingly to a tray of baked goods). They've launched a gosh-darn-super website called Firecrkr (click, and you'll be magically teleported there through the power of Jesus or something), on which the boys post their favorite videos, memes and general whimsy. Luckily for everyone, they also throw up some original content every so often, like this FESTIVE YULETIDE TREAT.
It's gay boys lip syncing to Mariah while wearing fashionable layers and a variety of hats, gloves and scarves.
We love Hurts. You should love Hurts. Everyone should love Hurts and anyone who doesn't should go sit on a steak knife.
Here's their new video for their moody and broody holiday track 'All I Want For Christmas Is New Years Day'. It's all retro and stylish and features lots of slicked back hair and vests. In other words it is EXTREMELY WATCHABLE.
We thought this melancholy song was the perfect post for today, as a delightful (CURSED) snow is gently falling over New York City and reminding us all that Seasonal Affective Disorder is a SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION.
Something truly magical has happened, ScopiSubjects. And we are all lucky enough to be alive today to witness it. Thanks to the release of this video coupled with the magic of the interwebs, we will all someday sit in our flying wheelchairs and relate to our children's children just where we were when we first saw Ke$ha look GOOD.
We know you are doubtful. We know this throws your worldview into pandemonium. But it's true. Someone - somehow - convinced everyone's favorite louse-house to shower and put on some makeup that didn't come from Avril Lavigne's garbage bin, and we hate to say it but the girl scrubs up pretty damn good. Sure it's in a totally Eurotrash way, and - in this video, at least - as soon as you get past the fact she is wearing deodorant you are suddenly struck with the stark reality that Ke$ha CANNOT DANCE, MOVE, OR MAKE A CONVINCING FACIAL EXPRESSION TO SAVE HER LIFE, but if this girl is going to keep assaulting our consciousness with tunes we'll take any improvement we can get.
The clip itself is super sparkly and such - it starts with an ACTUAL BIG BANG, symbolizing either the "beginning of life and the universe," or "how Ke$ha got a record deal" (see what we did there) depending on your interpretation, and then flashes (quite literally) into a by-the-numbers trip to THE CLUB and THE STREETS.
We're still not loving the song, and we still think she probably smells like cat pee up close, but in the interest of positive reinforcement we would like to say:
"THANK YOU KE$HA, FOR TAKING A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. Here is an award for showering"
"We R Who We R" is out now in the US and elsewhere, and will be released January 11 in the UK.
Whatever became of that whole Enrique-waterskiing-nude thing? Does anyone know? Well if you happened to capture it on your phone or something feel free to forward it to us. Not that we're into that sort of thing. It's just a weird curiosity. Like when squirrels mate or Rachel Zoe eats.
Anyway, here's the video for the mole-less one's new Spanish-language single. It's a faux-'street' thing that comes very close to making us believe that SUPER HARD RAPPERS would hang out with Enrique, but ultimately falls just a bit short. And it goes without saying that the whole thing is autotuned to within an inch of its life, but eh, it's not like we listen to his tunes for his super voice.
Life just hasn't been what we all expected for our little genie in a bottle, has it?
After countless (this is a lie, we could easily count them but cannot be bothered) hit singles and albums, her last LP straggled into the public consciousness already saddled with an "EPIC FLOP" metatag. And, sadly, on the flop front it did not disappoint. Not content to reject ONLY HER ALBUMS, the public decided that even her individual tracks should be shunned like a leper in a steamroom. Singles wise, she hasn't troubled the top 20 since 2008, and her last track didn't even dent the HOT 100.
Then came 'Burlesque,' her 'Showgirls' wannabe film debut currently being laughed out of theaters, and a host of bad reviews that placed much of the blame on Xtina's shoulders. Sure the gays love it, but the gays love anything shiny these days - doubly so if Cher is somehow involved.
So what's a down and out bottle-blonde to do when her career goes tits-up? Yeah, you guessed it. Duet with a rapper.
Here's her knockoff of 'Love The Way You Lie' or 'Empire State of Mind' or any other generic heartwrenching-but-not-really rap/vocal collaboration, featuring the GENIUS AND ELOQUENT WORDSMITHING of a fresh-from-Federal Prison T.I.
As we all lolled about in tryptophan comas and ran frantically on treadmills in a vain attempt to work off the full-fat Cool Whip we ate straight from the tub over Thanksgiving break, Kylie performed atop some ducks in the Macy's Parade and readied her brand new holiday track 'Let It Snow.' A track that, luckily for us, can be previewed RIGHT NOW.
A word of caution though, this link comes to us from Perez Hilton, and we cannot promise that your viewing of it will not support his site/evil cause/bileous plot to overthrow the world by punching one Black Eyed Pea at a time. Why Kylie has decided to give him the exclusive no one will ever know, but whatever, it's done and it's the holidays so we should be filled with the spirit of FORGIVENESS and FESTIVE TIDINGS and all that bullshit.
'Let It Snow' is a jazzy little holiday tune that (wisely) sidesteps the tendency for artists to try and make Christmas very NOW and TRENDY (see: Mariah/Christina/N*Sync/the inevitable Glee debacle that is sure to come) and will slide in nicely alongside her 'Santa Baby' to become a perennial classic.
Our only complaint is that it for no reason is not the b-side to her new single 'Better Than Today.' If there ever was a way to boost its sales, this would be it. 'Let it Snow' is available from iTunes starting next week.
And suddenly Fergie realized she was at the wrong Quinceanera
Alright, we all know the new BEP track is a steaming, lowbrow amalgamation of everything mediocre in this world. So, coming from a group once known for their ground-breaking jams, you'd think they'd at least try extra hard to make a super great video for 'The Time', wouldn't you?
Well, they didn't.
The musical collective - who are fast becoming the Old Navy of pop music - have decided to do the ABSOLUTE LEAST AMOUNT OF WORK POSSIBLE in creating the clip, and mostly just mouth things at the screen while walking through streets/clubs/other places Snooki probably hangs out, and then have GROUNDBREAKING VISUAL EFFECTS layered on top of them by other people who specialize in that sort of thing.
In all honesty the pixel thing is pretty cool, but it's nothing we haven't seen before and certainly can't wash away the taste of pure evil that lingers in our ears every time we hear the song. So to Fergie and the other people in the group who are not Fergie but wish they were, we would like to just say: either try harder or don't bother.
"See me after class" etc.
'The Time (Dirty Bit)' is off the BEP's new album 'The Beginning' (ironic, because they certainly are starting to sound like they are very much at THE END) which "drops" November 29.
We here at ScopiSat are generally positive and uplifting people. It is not in our nature to revel in the misfortune of others, even when they bring it on themselves by wearing RIDICULOUS THINGS AND BLEETING LIKE A SHEEP INTO A MICROPHONE.
So, having said that, here are some good things about the Miley Cyrus performance of her new death dirge 'Forgiveness and Love':
1. Her hair didn't look as horrible as it has in the past.
2. By recycling a burial shroud BEAUTIFUL GOWN from the late 19th century she set a fine example for the youth of America, leading the charge in the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" campaign.
3. There wasn't a stripper pole in sight, although we're sure in a pinch any one of those candelabras could be straddled and ground against - which in retrospect really could have taken this performance to the next level.
4. The performance provided temporary employment to a number of live musicians, and in these economic times that is truly something to be applauded.
5. Clocking in at a measly 3:25 the whole debacle could have been dragged out much, much longer.
ScopiSat is of the opinion that 'Better Than Today' is VERY GOOD, and is, in fact, the best choice the K-Mo folks could have made to put the pop princess back on top after the disappointing chart run of 'Get Outta My Way.' Others - namely die-hard Kylie fans - disagree, but perhaps this shiny new video will silence some of that discontent.
They certainly didn't blow the budget on this one, but somehow it still manages to come off looking less thrown together than 'Get Outta My Way' did, and is the most "Kylie" a Kylie video has been in ages.
It's also a world better than yesterday's debut of the video for her Taio Cruz duet 'Higher,' which isn't horrible but is essentailly one long BMW advert.
Anyway, here is 'Better Than Today' in all its Pac Man pop goodness:
"If we just keep smiling they'll never know which one of us farted"
Let's just get this out of the way - this song ('Higher') isn't particularly great or groundbreaking, and the video is even less so. But each are still far more than adequate, and all parties involved should be very proud for managing to look airbrushed without LOOKING AIRBRUSHED.
As we've said before, though, average Kylie equates to above average anyone else, so we're not complaining.
Having established the foregoing, we are left with the burning question of EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY BMW paid for this spot. Our guess is in the mid-six-figures, but we could be way off the mark.
We also should note that Taio and Kylie never actually touch or really interact, because while the Taio/K-mo track will be released worldwide (it's already topping charts in Australia), the U.S. version (not North American - Canada is getting Kylie too, leaving the U.S. the only odd man out) will feature something called a Travie McCoy whom we just found out is not a woman. Presumably, then, the video will be re-cut to include the Travie thing in place of Kylie, but - and again we're presuming - doing different things than Kylie so the video doesn't seem GAY which would be TERRIBLE.
The Kylie version is out worldwide January 16
EDIT: does anyone else feel like they were building up to a BIG EPIC DANCE BREAK and then ran out of time and said 'eh, let's just throw some more shots of the cars in there instead'?
Are you a music lover that likes your pagan ritualism mixed with 60's go-go dancing and beachwear? If you are, then have we got the video for you!
The ALL NEW, ALL SWEDISH Lykke Li video is all of the above things, with the added bonus of being shot in ACTUAL BLACK AND WHITE - the film of choice for such music video classics as Madonna's 'Oh Father' and EYC's 'Feelin Alright' (Look it up. It's pretty brilliant).
'Get Some' is a clusterbomb of percussion and punchy vocals, in a kind of Moloko-meets-Florence and the Machine way, and hopefully signals that there are good things to come from Lykke's forthcoming album. And if it doesn't, well, we'll always have the black and white.
The single is out now for FREE DOWNLOAD, with the album to follow early next year.
This is what Florrie's head looks like while she is doing a shit.
Florrie, despite our never having heard anything by her til now, is already somewhat of a pop goddess in our minds and is such based mostly on several pictures we have seen of her looking QUITE FETCHING. Well, we're happy to report that her photographs did not steer us wrong, for she is actually a little bit amazing, musically.
To be fair we kind of knew she would be going in, because she is the new Xenomania front-songstress, but it's still nice to have some solid confirmation.
As a sort of introduction to the pop masses, Florrie's people have chosen to chuck out an EP onto the interwebs for all to enjoy. And by "all" we actually, for once, mean ALL, as the entire record is available for free from her website here.
If you're not convinced by the fact that it is FREE, perhaps you will be convinced by the fact that it is, in large part, also AMAZING, as evidenced by the following:
Jessie J is a bit of an issue for us. She's super good-looking and seems to have genuine talent (she co-wrote Miley's 'Party In The USA'), but she insists on putting out tuneless dated crap like 'Do It Like A Dude.'
This is the kind of unfortunate R&B style-over-substance unfortunateness that preceded, and arguably brought on, the pop renaissance, and certainly would have fit into the music landscape of the mid-2000's.
In a way us pop fans owe a debt to that time... it took the image-over-melody movement to its extreme, and drove the idea so far into the ground that it allowed pop, with all its hooks and earnestness, to come back with a vengeance.
But now, in the 20-teens, a track like this seems hopelessly out of place. The song itself is essentially non-existent, instead letting the beats and sound effects do all the heavy lifting - which is odd, as she is quite an accomplished songwriter ('PARTY IN THE USfreakinA', PEOPLE). Indeed, if someone were to attempt to remake 'Do It' in a different, more straightforward style (say, a rock or country cover), they would be left with little more than a terrifying mess resembling a not-very-gifted-five-year-old's poem.
It irks us, dear readers.
It keeps us awake at night.
It leaves us shaking our fists at the sky and screaming "WHY WOULD A MERCIFUL GOD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN" while the camera pans up through falling rain, VERY DRAMATIC music plays, and the image turns sepia because that is what is done when something is meant to be MOODY.
Having said all that, it is unfortunately for all these same reasons that it will inevitably be huge and inescapable for the next year, after which it will disappear entirely until being resurrected by the "This Is 2010" special edition of the NOW series - which will by that time be delivered, Matrix-style, directly into neck-mounted USB drives - on which the track will feature not because it is a brilliant song, but because the royalty payment is so cheap.
The whole debacle is made all the more sad because her other tunes are actually quite listenable, and despite the rather intimidating (read: ACTUALLY FRIGHTENING) video below, Jessie herself seems like a perfectly decent person. We're sure we'll be hearing more of her in the future, but you'll forgive us if we wait til the next single to jump on the Jessie J bandwagon.
We were discussing Robyn with one of our friends today, and the conversation went something like this:
Friend: How is Robyn not bigger than Ke$ha?
ScopiSat: Totes - her teeth are jacked but at least she showers.
THE END
Well, if Robyn's brand new track 'Time Machine' doesn't finally put The Unwashed One in her place once and for all, nothing will, because it's pretty effing brilliant.
Robyn first burst onto the global pop scene with Max Martin-penned jams like 'Show Me Love' and 'Do You Know (What It Takes)' all the way back in 1995. And just in case you wanted our opinion on those, it is summed up by a word that starts with A and ends with G and is AMAZING.
Now, 14 (FOURTEEN) years later, Robyn has come full circle and has teamed up with Max Martin again. Martin has found the kind of longevity, hits, and success that most songwriters only dream of, and Robyn's renaissance has been nothing less than spectacular, so you'll forgive us if we expected quite a lot out of their new collaboration. In fact, this pairing seems like a Paula Deen butter-covered recipe for disaster, simply because pop fans' expectations will surely be high, but at times like these all we can really do is sit back, hit play, and pray for the best.
And THAT, ScopiSubjects, is how you do a pop song.
This LITERALLY EPIC tune is out on Robyn's 'Body Talk' LP on Nov 22 and is slated to be a North American single soon.
In this world where "the next big thing" is already old by the time it shows up on the interwebs, it's refreshing to come across a truly underground (seriously, this video is from a basement somewhere in Atlanta) talent poised to burst like a glittery, self-assured firecracker onto the scene. Her name is Kimberly Nichole, and she's kind of (read: actually) amazing.
She's Janelle Monae with more of an edge, and rocks outlandish fashion that, unlike Gaga's, is entirely eccentric while completely wearable. Poised to be one of the big splashes in 2011, she's been written up by MTV, BET, the Washington Post, and even receives a rave review in December's Vogue. And it's probably good that everyone seems to have generally positive things about the young starlet, as we get the distinct feeling that she would have little to no problem "cutting a bitch."
Check out her live cover of 'Crazy,' and tell us you're not just a little bit excited about what the future holds:
If there's one thing that the relative failure of 'Get Outta My Way' in the UK (and oddly, its building success in the United States) has taught us, it's that there is a big difference between slick and soulless Kylie and bubbly personality-driven Kylie. 'Outta' was certainly the former, and was rejected as a bit generic and throw-away by the European public, who expect a little something more from their pop princess. The US, on the other hand, just wants a good dance jam, and could care less about a back story.
It seems K-mo's people have finally caught on as well, because tonight's performance of new single 'Better Than Today' on The X Factor was everything it needed to be to put Miss Minogue back on top in her adopted homeland. High concept (Pac Man - amazing) but also real, it had energy, neon, some ridiculous hats and miles of leg. In short, it was pure Kylie all the way.
The entire performance is lifted from her US mini tour, bubbles over with energy and personality and features a near-miss with falling on her ass. In short, well worth the watch.
'Better Than Today' is out now as an album download, and out Dec 7 as a single.
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