JoJo's big comeback single 'Sexy To Me' is LITERALLY EVERYTHING - listen to the premiere now

Lattisse.

We have not posted anything in 7 days for the sole reason that we have been locked in our room listening to JoJo's new track on repeat.

It is called 'Sexy To Me' and is tremendous in a way that is somehow both completely old-school but also forward-thinking through and through.  It's kind of what would happen if P!nk's 'There You Go' had a baby with Britney's 'Blackout' album that then shot discoglitter out its pop-snatch.

In other words it is a stellar shitshow of amazingness, and accordingly will probably flop but whatever, the gays will love it and it'll keep B-list remix DJ's in business all summer.

By the time it is officially out, JoJo will have been off the radar for a full 6 years, which in pop time is about the length of the entire Industrial Revolution and JoJo is like some random pastoral rhubarb farmer who was in a coma or something - because she was kicked by a cow, let's say - and now it's 1910 and she's woken up all like HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS HAVE COMBUSTIBLE ENGINES except the combustible engine is THE INTERNET and "you guys" is ALL THE OTHER POP STARS who have been actually doing things for the last half-decade and have learned how to properly record and market a pop single in the modern age.

In other words we are not entirely convinced this whole "comeback" thing is going to be a blazing success.  First, because everyone forgot about JoJo and these days once people stop caring it's nearly impossible to reverse that decline unless you get fat and judge a TV singing competition or bang someone who is actually still famous, have a well-publicized meltdown and then judge a TV singing competition, and second, because even in all its EVERYTHING-AMAZINGNESS, 'Sexy To Me' still kind of sounds like a Hilary Duff b-side.

But whatever, as long as her leaked track 'Forever In My Life' is on the new album we'll be fine.

Here's 'Sexy To Me' in all its glory:

This "Chris Brown doing music with Rihanna" thing needs to be stopped immediately - listen to his track feat. Rihanna, and hers feat. him

pow.

We haven't made it any secret that we are at the point of being completely over the inbreeding vocal orgy of "so-and-so featuring so-and-so" that has taken over music.  In only the rarest of circumstances does it have anything to do with making a track better, and is nearly always exclusively about selling more records.

Add to our hatred of opportunistic "featuring" credits our loathing of Chris Brown, and we have a PERFECT STORM OF US BEING FUSSY ABOUT SOMETHING.

And the thing is in this case it's not even just one track.  No.  It's two.  THAT IS DOUBLE THE AMOUNT OF ONE.  Because while we all knew last week that Chris "Domestic Abuser" Brown was to feature on Rihanna's 'Birthday Cake,' what we didn't count on is that she would decide to return the favor and guest on Chris's 'Turn Up The Music.'

We're still seething at Brown's super classy opening line on 'Birthday Cake' - "Girl, I wanna fuck you right now / Been a long time, I've been missing your body" - so admittedly we're not listening to his new track with a particularly open mind.  But even if that weren't the case we're pretty sure we'd still call it mediocre at best.


Here's 'Turn Up The Music':
   

And in case you missed it, Rihanna's 'Birthday Cake':

Queen of Hearts FREE DOWNLOAD ahoy! Listen to (and download) "A Moment In Love" now!

"I am a queen except not really.  Also I am very pale."

There is a thing called Queen of Hearts and it is very good even though it is neither a Queen nor a Heart.  It is actually a woman and instead of queening or pumping blood it sings songs.  The songs are very good in an "I AM AN ELECTROPOP ARTIST WHO WILL NEVER HAVE A HIT BUT WILL BE FEATURED ON MANY BLOGS" kind of way, and luckily for all the people out there (read: everyone under 50) who get their music online now, that means Queen of Hearts is, by necessity, quite technology savvy.

The Queen (we call her "The Queen" even though she is not, actually, "THE QUEEN," although if Queen Elizabeth of England put out a single we think we can all agree it would be a little bit phenomenal in a life-changing way*) has been running an online media social blitz for the last few months now, and has finally drummed up enough interest to warrant an ACTUAL RELEASE OF MUSIC albeit in the form of a free download.  Unsurprisingly, the track featured as the download is one of her best we've heard so far, and is all cool computer beats and Kylie-esque warblings with a fauxhemian edge.  In other words it is VERY GOOD, and accordingly should be downloaded by everyone.

Beware, ScopiSubjects - it's only available for another 24 hours so get your 'Moment' before it's gone!


* Queen Elizabeth's single should be a poppers-o-clock donkfest with a middle-8 breakdown and a discowhistle, and feature a spoken word verse with a chorus sung by Dev or Keri Hilson or the lady from Dragonette.  Also it should clock in at under 3 minutes but come with remixes that are at least 12 minutes long and sample unrecognizable but "credible" 80's rap records.  LMFAO should not be allowed anywhere near this project. 

Whitney.

There once was a boy from the Midwest who was shielded from everything.  From culture, from music, from anything having to do with the big bad world.  He lived his life totally ignorant of the world of “pop,” until one day after church he sat with his Baptist Minister father, his mother and his sister, in a Michigan Taco Bell.   

Nacho in hand, the boy suddenly looked up and, wide-eyed, stared out the window in a blissful haze.  Because on the radio was something like he’d never heard – something that, one way or another, he was determined to hear more of. 

The boy went out, bought the cassingle of the track he’d heard, ran home to his boombox, and put it on repeat for what must have seemed to his parents to be the next few years, but in reality was probably more like 3 weeks or so.  It was a song that literally changed his life – that opened up a whole new world to him.  It was called “I Will Always Love You,” and it was sung by Whitney Houston. 

Whitney was the boy’s first pop concert – he dragged his parents with him to the Pontiac Silverdome late in 1993.  Whitney was how the boy first experienced true raw emotion through music.  And Whitney was, in one way or another, the soundtrack to his teenage years. 

He'd been a musician all his life - he started playing piano ten years earlier, at age 3 -  but the second he heard the sound coming out of that Taco Bell speaker he knew he wanted to do pop.  And when he finally bought “The Bodyguard” soundtrack CD – his first pop album ever – he flipped over the case, looked at the address of the label, Arista Records, and wrote the company a letter asking how he could be a star just like Whitney.

The letter never got answered, of course, but the seed of his dream had been sown.  Whitney awoke something in him that set him down the path he still walks today.  As a teen he sat in his parents' Audi and blew out the speakers blasting "One Moment In Time," because he was determined to have just one moment of his very own.  He became a published songwriter, a TV host, an entertainment lawyer, and music blogger, all, in some strange way, because Whitney Houston told him he could. 

One could argue that if it hadn’t been Whitney it would have been someone else.  But the point is it wasn’t someone else.  She had something special that crossed over where nothing had before, and reached into the sheltered life of an adolescent kid and shook him out of his ignorant sleep. 

Even though they drifted apart in later years, she was always there.  In the background at a restaurant, on the screen at a bar.  And recently, with her semi-successful comeback, “Million Dollar Bill,” she even ended up with the unofficial song of his summer. 

Now she’s gone, and the boy is realizing just how much a part of his life Whitney really was, and just how much he owes to her. How everything was different before she came into his life, and how different things would be today if she never had.

So, to Whitney, now that you're asleep:  Thank you for waking that boy up.

Katy Perry will not give up until she beats Michael Jackson - listen to her new single 'Part of Me' now!

"Sir I'm afraid this is for first class passengers only"

Oh Katy Perry.

Maybe it's her ruthless and insatiable desire for success.  Maybe it's that she just broke up with her husband and wants to prove he's missing out.  Or maybe she's just a vapid cog in her management team's moneymaking scheme.  But regardless of the reason, Katy is soldiering on in her quest to shatter the record for most number 1 singles from an album.  And that, friends, means 'Teenage Dream' is getting re-released, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS.

'Teenage Dream: The Complete Confection" is the star's last ditch attempt at landing a giant, noteworthy chart record of her very own.  She recently tied none other than THE ACTUAL MICHAEL JACKSON, who until recently was the only artist in history to notch 5 number ones from a single LP, but obviously Katy won't settle for second best unless we're talking about men or album producers. 

It almost happened a couple weeks ago, but things didn't go quite as planned for 'The One That Got Away,' Katy's last single, though it did make it all the way to #3 before it sputtered out.  But NEVER FEAR, POP FANS - since the words "flogged to death" mean nothing in this day and age, the entire parent album is being retooled, some mixes added, and of course, it will feature a BRAND NEW TRACK which may very well set the charts alight.

Whether new single 'Part Of Me' will hit the top is still to be determined, of course, but even if it does it will likely have a dubious place in the record books.  Does having 6 #1 singles from an album really count if one of them wasn't even on the album in the first place? (everyone: "NO.")

Our guess is Katy Perry's management thinks so, and so will just about every press release that Capitol Records chucks out for the next year if they pull this thing off.

In any case, the new track is "very good" in that way that Katy Perry songs are "very good" if you like Katy Perry.  If you don't, you probably aren't reading this post anyway, so we'll just save the typing and get right to the preview:



"so there's that then."

Ladyhawke is back with Black White & Blue - watch the premiere now!

"I'm prettier when you can't see my teeth."

So last night some lady sang some songs at the World Bowling Championship or something and it was VERY VERY GOOD even though the whole opening was ripped off Kylie's 'Aphrodite' Tour in a shockingly blatant way.  But today life must go on and SO IT DOES in the form of a rather brilliant track by retro-svengali Ladyhawke.

It's called Black White & Blue and is an obvious play on the AMERICA F*CK YEAH theme but also on bruising (?) but most importantly it is a LITTLE BIT TREMENDOUS. 

Equally tremendous is the video for the song, which is all retro-chic with soft lighting, late-70's pastels and a kind of awkward photo shoot that feels a bit like when your uncle used to make you bounce on his knee even though he wasn't really your uncle, just some guy your dad knew from the bar, and also the fact that you were 16. 

Anyway, the video is really good and even though everyone is still talking about Madge's all-conquering halftime show, it deserves some goddamn recognition.