Christina Aguilera takes on T.I. in new track 'Castle Walls' - listen to the premiere now!

Oh, Christina. 

Life just hasn't been what we all expected for our little genie in a bottle, has it? 

After countless (this is a lie, we could easily count them but cannot be bothered) hit singles and albums, her last LP straggled into the public consciousness already saddled with an "EPIC FLOP" metatag.  And, sadly, on the flop front it did not disappoint.  Not content to reject ONLY HER ALBUMS, the public decided that even her individual tracks should be shunned like a leper in a steamroom.  Singles wise, she hasn't troubled the top 20 since 2008, and her last track didn't even dent the HOT 100.

Then came 'Burlesque,' her 'Showgirls' wannabe film debut currently being laughed out of theaters, and a host of bad reviews that placed much of the blame on Xtina's shoulders.  Sure the gays love it, but the gays love anything shiny these days - doubly so if Cher is somehow involved.

So what's a down and out bottle-blonde to do when her career goes tits-up?  Yeah, you guessed it.  Duet with a rapper.

Here's her knockoff of 'Love The Way You Lie' or 'Empire State of Mind' or any other generic heartwrenching-but-not-really rap/vocal collaboration, featuring the GENIUS AND ELOQUENT WORDSMITHING of a fresh-from-Federal Prison T.I.

TI ft. Christina Aguilera - Castle Walls by omarafuni

Kylie wants to 'Let It Snow' in brand new track - listen to the PREMIERE now!

As we all lolled about in tryptophan comas and ran frantically on treadmills in a vain attempt to work off the full-fat Cool Whip we ate straight from the tub over Thanksgiving break, Kylie performed atop some ducks in the Macy's Parade and readied her brand new holiday track 'Let It Snow.'  A track that, luckily for us, can be previewed RIGHT NOW.

A word of caution though, this link comes to us from Perez Hilton, and we cannot promise that your viewing of it will not support his site/evil cause/bileous plot to overthrow the world by punching one Black Eyed Pea at a time.  Why Kylie has decided to give him the exclusive no one will ever know, but whatever, it's done and it's the holidays so we should be filled with the spirit of FORGIVENESS and FESTIVE TIDINGS and all that bullshit. 

'Let It Snow' is a jazzy little holiday tune that (wisely) sidesteps the tendency for artists to try and make Christmas very NOW and TRENDY (see: Mariah/Christina/N*Sync/the inevitable Glee debacle that is sure to come) and will slide in nicely alongside her 'Santa Baby' to become a perennial classic.





Our only complaint is that it for no reason is not the b-side to her new single 'Better Than Today.'  If there ever was a way to boost its sales, this would be it. 'Let it Snow' is available from iTunes starting next week.

Black Eyed Peas' crap new song gets a crap new video - watch the premiere now!

And suddenly Fergie realized she was at the wrong Quinceanera

Alright, we all know the new BEP track is a steaming, lowbrow amalgamation of everything mediocre in this world.  So, coming from a group once known for their ground-breaking jams, you'd think they'd at least try extra hard to make a super great video for 'The Time', wouldn't you?

Well, they didn't.

The musical collective - who are fast becoming the Old Navy of pop music - have decided to do the ABSOLUTE LEAST AMOUNT OF WORK POSSIBLE in creating the clip, and mostly just mouth things at the screen while walking through streets/clubs/other places Snooki probably hangs out, and then have GROUNDBREAKING VISUAL EFFECTS layered on top of them by other people who specialize in that sort of thing.

In all honesty the pixel thing is pretty cool, but it's nothing we haven't seen before and certainly can't wash away the taste of pure evil that lingers in our ears every time we hear the song.  So to Fergie and the other people in the group who are not Fergie but wish they were, we would like to just say: either try harder or don't bother.   



"See me after class" etc.

'The Time (Dirty Bit)' is off the BEP's new album 'The Beginning' (ironic, because they certainly are starting to sound like they are very much at THE END) which "drops" November 29.

Who wants to see Miley embarass herself in front of millions? We thought so - watch now!

Miley and a pal shortly after switching outfits

We here at ScopiSat are generally positive and uplifting people.  It is not in our nature to revel in the misfortune of others, even when they bring it on themselves by wearing RIDICULOUS THINGS AND BLEETING LIKE A SHEEP INTO A MICROPHONE.

So, having said that, here are some good things about the Miley Cyrus performance of her new death dirge 'Forgiveness and Love':

1.  Her hair didn't look as horrible as it has in the past.

2.  By recycling a burial shroud BEAUTIFUL GOWN from the late 19th century she set a fine example for the youth of America, leading the charge in the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" campaign.

3.  There wasn't a stripper pole in sight, although we're sure in a pinch any one of those candelabras could be straddled and ground against - which in retrospect really could have taken this performance to the next level.

4.  The performance provided temporary employment to a number of live musicians, and in these economic times that is truly something to be applauded.

5.  Clocking in at a measly 3:25 the whole debacle could have been dragged out much, much longer.

THE END.

The Kylie onslaught continues - watch the premiere of 'Better Than Today' now!

ScopiSat is of the opinion that 'Better Than Today' is VERY GOOD, and is, in fact, the best choice the K-Mo folks could have made to put the pop princess back on top after the disappointing chart run of 'Get Outta My Way.'  Others - namely die-hard Kylie fans - disagree, but perhaps this shiny new video will silence some of that discontent. 

They certainly didn't blow the budget on this one, but somehow it still manages to come off looking less thrown together than 'Get Outta My Way' did, and is the most "Kylie" a Kylie video has been in ages.

It's also a world better than yesterday's debut of the video for her Taio Cruz duet 'Higher,' which isn't horrible but is essentailly one long BMW advert.

Anyway, here is 'Better Than Today' in all its Pac Man pop goodness:


Kylie Minogue - Better Than Today
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - See the latest featured music videos.

"VERY GOOD"

The new Taio/Kylie video is one big, moody BMW ad - watch the premiere now!

"If we just keep smiling they'll never know which one of us farted"

Let's just get this out of the way - this song ('Higher') isn't particularly great or groundbreaking, and the video is even less so.  But each are still far more than adequate, and all parties involved should be very proud for managing to look airbrushed without LOOKING AIRBRUSHED. 

As we've said before, though, average Kylie equates to above average anyone else, so we're not complaining.

Having established the foregoing, we are left with the burning question of EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY BMW paid for this spot.  Our guess is in the mid-six-figures, but we could be way off the mark.

We also should note that Taio and Kylie never actually touch or really interact, because while the Taio/K-mo track will be released worldwide (it's already topping charts in Australia), the U.S. version (not North American - Canada is getting Kylie too, leaving the U.S. the only odd man out) will feature something called a Travie McCoy whom we just found out is not a woman.  Presumably, then, the video will be re-cut to include the Travie thing in place of Kylie, but - and again we're presuming - doing different things than Kylie so the video doesn't seem GAY which would be TERRIBLE.



The Kylie version is out worldwide January 16

EDIT:  does anyone else feel like they were building up to a BIG EPIC DANCE BREAK and then ran out of time and said 'eh, let's just throw some more shots of the cars in there instead'?

FREE DOWNLOAD - Lykke Li's gonna 'Get Some' in new video - watch the premiere now and get the single for FREE!

Are you a music lover that likes your pagan ritualism mixed with 60's go-go dancing and beachwear?  If you are, then have we got the video for you!

The ALL NEW, ALL SWEDISH Lykke Li video is all of the above things, with the added bonus of being shot in ACTUAL BLACK AND WHITE - the film of choice for such music video classics as Madonna's 'Oh Father' and EYC's 'Feelin Alright' (Look it up.  It's pretty brilliant).  

'Get Some' is a clusterbomb of percussion and punchy vocals, in a kind of Moloko-meets-Florence and the Machine way, and hopefully signals that there are good things to come from Lykke's forthcoming album.  And if it doesn't, well, we'll always have the black and white.

 

The single is out now for FREE DOWNLOAD, with the album to follow early next year. 

FREE DOWNLOAD of Florrie's new - and AMAZING - debut EP - listen now (and DL link)

This is what Florrie's head looks like while she is doing a shit.

Florrie, despite our never having heard anything by her til now, is already somewhat of a pop goddess in our minds and is such based mostly on several pictures we have seen of her looking QUITE FETCHING.  Well, we're happy to report that her photographs did not steer us wrong, for she is actually a little bit amazing, musically. 

To be fair we kind of knew she would be going in, because she is the new Xenomania front-songstress, but it's still nice to have some solid confirmation.

As a sort of introduction to the pop masses, Florrie's people have chosen to chuck out an EP onto the interwebs for all to enjoy.  And by "all" we actually, for once, mean ALL, as the entire record is available for free from her website here. 

If you're not convinced by the fact that it is FREE, perhaps you will be convinced by the fact that it is, in large part, also AMAZING, as evidenced by the following:




Yes.  Very good indeed.

Jessie J wants to 'Do It Like A Dude' - which is unfortunate, because most of the ones we know don't do it very well :(

Jessie J is a bit of an issue for us.  She's super good-looking and seems to have genuine talent (she co-wrote Miley's 'Party In The USA'), but she insists on putting out tuneless dated crap like 'Do It Like A Dude.'

This is the kind of unfortunate R&B style-over-substance unfortunateness that preceded, and arguably brought on, the pop renaissance, and certainly would have fit into the music landscape of the mid-2000's.

In a way us pop fans owe a debt to that time... it took the image-over-melody movement to its extreme, and drove the idea so far into the ground that it allowed pop, with all its hooks and earnestness, to come back with a vengeance. 

But now, in the 20-teens, a track like this seems hopelessly out of place.  The song itself is essentially non-existent, instead letting the beats and sound effects do all the heavy lifting - which is odd, as she is quite an accomplished songwriter ('PARTY IN THE USfreakinA', PEOPLE).  Indeed, if someone were to attempt to remake 'Do It' in a different, more straightforward style (say, a rock or country cover), they would be left with little more than a terrifying mess resembling a not-very-gifted-five-year-old's poem.

It irks us, dear readers.

It keeps us awake at night.

It leaves us shaking our fists at the sky and screaming "WHY WOULD A MERCIFUL GOD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN" while the camera pans up through falling rain, VERY DRAMATIC music plays, and the image turns sepia because that is what is done when something is meant to be MOODY.

Having said all that, it is unfortunately for all these same reasons that it will inevitably be huge and inescapable for the next year, after which it will disappear entirely until being resurrected by the "This Is 2010" special edition of the NOW series - which will by that time be delivered, Matrix-style, directly into neck-mounted USB drives - on which the track will feature not because it is a brilliant song, but because the royalty payment is so cheap.

The whole debacle is made all the more sad because her other tunes are actually quite listenable, and despite the rather intimidating (read: ACTUALLY FRIGHTENING) video below, Jessie herself seems like a perfectly decent person.  We're sure we'll be hearing more of her in the future, but you'll forgive us if we wait til the next single to jump on the Jessie J bandwagon.

Robyn's 'Time Machine' is set to take over the world - listen to the premiere now!

We were discussing Robyn with one of our friends today, and the conversation went something like this:

Friend:  How is Robyn not bigger than Ke$ha?

ScopiSat:  Totes - her teeth are jacked but at least she showers.

THE END

Well, if Robyn's brand new track 'Time Machine' doesn't finally put The Unwashed One in her place once and for all, nothing will, because it's pretty effing brilliant.

Robyn first burst onto the global pop scene with Max Martin-penned jams like 'Show Me Love' and 'Do You Know (What It Takes)' all the way back in 1995.  And just in case you wanted our opinion on those, it is summed up by a word that starts with A and ends with G and is AMAZING. 

Now, 14 (FOURTEEN) years later, Robyn has come full circle and has teamed up with Max Martin again.  Martin has found the kind of longevity, hits, and success that most songwriters only dream of, and Robyn's renaissance has been nothing less than spectacular, so you'll forgive us if we expected quite a lot out of their new collaboration.  In fact, this pairing seems like a Paula Deen butter-covered recipe for disaster, simply because pop fans' expectations will surely be high, but at times like these all we can really do is sit back, hit play, and pray for the best.



And THAT, ScopiSubjects, is how you do a pop song.

This LITERALLY EPIC tune is out on Robyn's 'Body Talk' LP on Nov 22 and is slated to be a North American single soon.

The next big thing is here, and her name is Kimberly Nichole - watch now!

Miss Nichole burps the alphabet

In this world where "the next big thing" is already old by the time it shows up on the interwebs, it's refreshing to come across a truly underground (seriously, this video is from a basement somewhere in Atlanta) talent poised to burst like a glittery, self-assured firecracker onto the scene.  Her name is Kimberly Nichole, and she's kind of (read: actually) amazing.

She's Janelle Monae with more of an edge, and rocks outlandish fashion that, unlike Gaga's, is entirely eccentric while completely wearable.  Poised to be one of the big splashes in 2011, she's been written up by MTV, BET, the Washington Post, and even receives a rave review in December's Vogue.  And it's probably good that everyone seems to have generally positive things about the young starlet, as we get the distinct feeling that she would have little to no problem "cutting a bitch."

Check out her live cover of 'Crazy,' and tell us you're not just a little bit excited about what the future holds:

Kylie kills it on The X Factor - watch her debut of 'Better Than Today' now!

Kylie ingests her carbs for the year

If there's one thing that the relative failure of 'Get Outta My Way' in the UK (and oddly, its building success in the United States) has taught us, it's that there is a big difference between slick and soulless Kylie and bubbly personality-driven Kylie.  'Outta' was certainly the former, and was rejected as a bit generic and throw-away by the European public, who expect a little something more from their pop princess.  The US, on the other hand, just wants a good dance jam, and could care less about a back story.

It seems K-mo's people have finally caught on as well, because tonight's performance of new single 'Better Than Today' on The X Factor was everything it needed to be to put Miss Minogue back on top in her adopted homeland.  High concept (Pac Man - amazing) but also real, it had energy, neon, some ridiculous hats and miles of leg.  In short, it was pure Kylie all the way.

The entire performance is lifted from her US mini tour, bubbles over with energy and personality and features a near-miss with falling on her ass.  In short, well worth the watch.



'Better Than Today' is out now as an album download, and out Dec 7 as a single.

Amy Winehouse is back and still very very drunk - listen to 'It's My Party' now!

If we had to guess what a track by our batshit-crazy grandma, recorded after a few too many of her "nervous pills" would sound like, this would be it.  Unfortunately, our grandma doesn't have a record deal and this is actually a song sung by 27 year old Amy I'm-not-on-drugs-anymore-except-I-totally-am Winehouse:  




'It's My Party' will feature on Quincy Jones' new record 'Q: Soul Bossa Nostra' out November 9, and if we're lucky Quincy will put some of the sales proceeds toward getting Winebox to a recovery facility pretty damn quick.

Got Pink? Watch her new video premiere now!

Let's get this out of the way right off the bat:  sometimes even we here at ScopiSat are wrong.  Not often, but we are only human after all.  Well, mostly human - a good portion of us is made up of glitter and awesome middle-8 breakdowns, but that's a whole different discussion.  In any case, a few days ago we gave a not-terrible-but-certainly-not-glowing review of Pink's new single 'Raise A Glass.'  And we were wrong.  Quite wrong, as it happens, because 'Raise A Glass' is actually a stompingly glorious track that more than deserves our praise.

Now, with that nasty business out of the way, we can get down to the real news of the day - that Pink has made a music video for 'Glass' and it, like the track, is VERY NOT HORRIBLE.  It's very 'Pink' in that sort of multiple-personality way that her videos have, jumping around from scene to scene.  And what scenes they are - from a sumo-wrestling smackdown to....ladies being milked (seriously, it's as strange as it sounds) - the whole thing is energetic, slick and as one would expect from a refined Lady such as Pink, quite a bit of fun.

Ricky Martin teams up with Joss Stone on new single - listen to the premiere now!

We are having a dilemma here at the ScopiSat manse, and it's all because of Ricky Martin.  The seeds of this confusion were sown years and years ago, back when J.Lo was Waiting For Tonight, Enrique had a mole, and the Latin Invasion (not the Latino Invasion - that's something different that Tea Partiers are VERY CONCERNED about) was in full swing.

It all began with 'Livin La Vida Loca,' a genuine stormer of a track that introduced the English-speaking world to uber-sexy Ricky with his frosted tips and too-tight Kenneth Cole henleys, and ended five years later as we all did the record-buying equivalent of the Walk Of Shame, realizing in our haze that we collectively bought THIRTY MILLION of his albums.  During that period Ricky chucked out a bunch of hits, swivelled his hips a bit, and did 'She Bangs' (which we all laughed because while SHE might want to bang HIM, it was quite obvious he didn't quite return her interest if you know what we're getting at).

As further proof that 9/11 CHANGED EVERYTHING, Ricky's star began to fade after 2002.  By the time his next album 'Life' came out in 2005 no one really cared and it was a bit cringy anyway, as Mr. Martin tried to be "urban" in that way that your dad tries to rap so he can be "down with the home slices" when he takes you out for pizza after your baseball game.  The lead single 'I Don't Care' came out and everyone kind of said "we don't either" and that was that. 

Well, some gaybies and a perfunctory coming out (we love that even post-outing he still sings 'She Bangs' with no hint of irony) later, and Ricky's back and...not as big as before.  For his new single he has teamed up with soul superbitch Joss Stone, who has had her own period of mediocrity as of late, and it's certainly not the corker we imagine it would take to put him back on top ( note: we were going to do another 'She Bangs' joke here but even we are getting a bit sick of that bit).

To illustrate why this isn't the HUGE TRACK he needs to regain his superstar status, we've compiled the following list of the track's highs and lows:


A LIST OF THINGS ABOUT THE NEW RICKY MARTIN SINGLE:
HIGHS:
The part where it sounds like a crap version of Jason Mraz's 'I'm Yours'

LOWS:
The part where he says 'manana' because he is Latin and 'in touch with his people'

And that is all we came up with because we are literally indifferent to the ENTIRE REMAINDER OF THE RECORD.

THE END

Still, there's something endearing about the song, as it kind of enhances that hot DILF "I'm tender with my children but still have muscles and facial hair and tattoos and really big hands" vibe he's got going on now.

All tame and MOR, it will likely play well (and for months and months to come) on AC radio all over middle America, but we can't help feeling he could do with just a little more swiveling of the hips. In any case, we're very conflicted as to whether we like this track or not for all the foregoing reasons.  Take a listen and help us make up our minds...


Ricky Martin - The Best Thing About Me is You (Feat. Joss Stone) by cernicaloviudo

Kylie upstages Taio Cruz at France's 'Starfloor' - watch her solo set now!

K-mo jetted off to France a few days ago to begin promotion of her brand new collaboration with Taio Cruz, the rather decent 'Higher.'  During Taio's performance on France's 'Starfloor,' the tiny bundle of glitter joined him on stage for their duet, but a wonky mic kept the audience from hearing...well, anything, really.  But NEVER FEAR, ScopiSubjects, because THE POP GODS HAVE SMILED ON YE THIS DAY.  Not content to steal the stage from Mr. Cruz during his set, Kyles stole the stage - literally - from him altogether.  She performed her own mini-concert for the crowd, and thanks to the magic of the interwebs we can all watch it right here right now.

WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.



'Higher' is out in January, Kylie's 'Get Outta My Way' goes to US radio today, and her 'Better Than Today' gets a UK/Worldwide release in December.  Because, you know, she wouldn't want to overdo it or anthing...