Ok we already talked about how absolutely dire the new Ricky Martin single is (think Jack Johnson if his music were written by a committee of old people who "don't get this new fangled jibber jab they play on the radio" and also don't speak English particularly well). Also Ricky's voice is completely wrong for the style he's attempting.
We were reserving our judgment for the whole project until we saw the video, but, having watched the premiere, we can now confirm with complete confidence that NOTHING ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IS GOOD.
Some issues:
1. It's not 2002. White backgrounds behind beautiful children with "natural makeup" are best left to old-school VH1 and cancer-charity videos.
2. We get it. You're gay. You don't have to cram it down our throats (heh). Seriously, this onslought of gayness would be like Ellen saying "I'm Gay" on the cover of People, and then immediately following it up with an hourlong primetime special during which she does nothing but scissor a local women's soccer team.
3. The video does not distract us enough from how wretched the song is. It needs flashing lights. And colors. And flashing colored lights. Or puppies. Flashing puppies, preferably. Even nudity would be fine. And yeah, we know, he gets his shirt off in this clip, but we saw more than this when he was doing yoga on the beach with his "companion" back before he liked it up the butt.
4. Coming out (heh) with a song about how happy you are only makes everyone think you're trying awfully hard to convince everyone you're happy.
We are having a dilemma here at the ScopiSat manse, and it's all because of Ricky Martin. The seeds of this confusion were sown years and years ago, back when J.Lo was Waiting For Tonight, Enrique had a mole, and the Latin Invasion (not the Latino Invasion - that's something different that Tea Partiers are VERY CONCERNED about) was in full swing.
It all began with 'Livin La Vida Loca,' a genuine stormer of a track that introduced the English-speaking world to uber-sexy Ricky with his frosted tips and too-tight Kenneth Cole henleys, and ended five years later as we all did the record-buying equivalent of the Walk Of Shame, realizing in our haze that we collectively bought THIRTY MILLION of his albums. During that period Ricky chucked out a bunch of hits, swivelled his hips a bit, and did 'She Bangs' (which we all laughed because while SHE might want to bang HIM, it was quite obvious he didn't quite return her interest if you know what we're getting at).
As further proof that 9/11 CHANGED EVERYTHING, Ricky's star began to fade after 2002. By the time his next album 'Life' came out in 2005 no one really cared and it was a bit cringy anyway, as Mr. Martin tried to be "urban" in that way that your dad tries to rap so he can be "down with the home slices" when he takes you out for pizza after your baseball game. The lead single 'I Don't Care' came out and everyone kind of said "we don't either" and that was that.
Well, some gaybies and a perfunctory coming out (we love that even post-outing he still sings 'She Bangs' with no hint of irony) later, and Ricky's back and...not as big as before. For his new single he has teamed up with soul superbitch Joss Stone, who has had her own period of mediocrity as of late, and it's certainly not the corker we imagine it would take to put him back on top ( note: we were going to do another 'She Bangs' joke here but even we are getting a bit sick of that bit).
To illustrate why this isn't the HUGE TRACK he needs to regain his superstar status, we've compiled the following list of the track's highs and lows:
A LIST OF THINGS ABOUT THE NEW RICKY MARTIN SINGLE: HIGHS:
The part where it sounds like a crap version of Jason Mraz's 'I'm Yours'
LOWS:
The part where he says 'manana' because he is Latin and 'in touch with his people'
And that is all we came up with because we are literally indifferent to the ENTIRE REMAINDER OF THE RECORD.
THE END
Still, there's something endearing about the song, as it kind of enhances that hot DILF "I'm tender with my children but still have muscles and facial hair and tattoos and really big hands" vibe he's got going on now.
All tame and MOR, it will likely play well (and for months and months to come) on AC radio all over middle America, but we can't help feeling he could do with just a little more swiveling of the hips. In any case, we're very conflicted as to whether we like this track or not for all the foregoing reasons. Take a listen and help us make up our minds...
Posts
