HERE IS KELLY CLARKSON'S NEW SINGLE AND SOME SONGS FROM HER NEW ALBUM

I'm about to smack the sh*t outta your wind machine.

There's something about Kelly Clarkson that makes us smile.  It could be because she's pretty or because she's sweet or maybe because she knows Justin Guarini.  OR BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZING.

In case you've forgotten the epic novella that is Kelly's life, she started out as a regular person and stayed that way until she won some tv show and then sang some brilliant songs which made her a little bit less of a regular person and more of a celebrity.  Then she got huge (career wise) after which she told everyone to f off and did an album that was "personal" and "deep" (read: it was shit) and then she got huge (fat wise) and decided to sing BRILLIANT SONGS again.  Then we kind of forgot about her getting fat because her tracks were so good and also because Christina kind of "stole the show" with that one if you know what we're saying, and now she is doing another album that sounds as if it will be PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

In a weird-but-brilliant move, all of the YouTube tracks that have leaked have been slowed down in what is probably an attempt by the record company to leak the product without actually releasing the product - everyone can hear how spectacular the album is going to be without actually ever obtaining a copy of it in its final version.   From a "controlling the inevitable leaks" standpoint it's a great idea, but more importantly to us, if you listen to the songs and imagine how good they will be after they are sped up just a little bit, it suddenly will occur to you that there must be a God in heaven because this album is going to be brilliant.

On Friday K-Ca's (don't worry, we don't think that's going to catch on) alleged new single leaked, and everyone's heads exploded because it was super.  It is a pop/rock/shuffly thing that has a bitchy bite that we're not really used to from Big K, but that suits her quite nicely.  It's called 'Let Me Down' and it sounds a bit (read: exactly) like this:



So that's good then, isn't it.  But anyone looking for Miss Independent to follow a different path on this record than her usual "take a poppy rock song and then scream amazingly over it" formula will be disappointed.  Which is ok because those people who expect something new don't own her and she can make her own decisions and maybe she just likes doing these kinds of songs so shut up and bring her some cake.

HERE ARE SOME OF THOSE SONGS:





So there they are.  One of them may not even be Kelly singing it.  None of them may be her new single.  Three of them will be greatly improved by having their original, faster speeds restored.  One of them will be slightly improved by having its original, faster speed restored.

And all of them are brilliant.

Welcome back, Kelly.

New Nicola Roberts track, new Nicola Roberts album art. AMAZING.

I am Nicola Roberts and this is my album cover.

So here's what's going on with the Nicola Roberts thing:

- The single did that whole "on air/on sale" mess and proved that what everyone has assumed will be the marketing method of the future may not actually be the marketing method of the future because it's kind of stupid but also kind of brilliant, depending on what kind of artist you are and whether it actually works.  In Nic's case it DID NOT. 

- After 'Beat of My Drum' stalled at #27, the Ginger One's label PR reps released statements saying things like "EVERYTHING IS FINE NO ONE PANIC" while wildly updating their resumes.

- Since we're in a recession and none of them got new jobs, Nicola's label PR reps had to stick this one out, and decided to make one last push to make this single work because failing at a job is still better than being unemployed.  That push, luckily for all of us, is a RATHER BRILLIANT POP TUNE that will appear as the b-side to the CD single of 'Beat of My Drum,' which is, incidentally, out Monday to buy in the UK. It is a tune that will entice about 6 people to actually buy the single, and will probably propel the A-side track to something like #35 if we're lucky.  But it is STILL A BRILLIANT POP TUNE.

AND HERE IT IS:



Well that was quite good wasn't it?

LET'S HAVE ANOTHER LISTEN.



Yes.  Very good indeed.

Let's make an Example of the new Example single (see what we did there?)! Listen now!

"In England I am quite sexy"

Example is a thing that is British and is also a rapper that sings.  Example is a man, in the literal sense, but is also a GRAND IDEA in a sort of bullshit existential way that we shan't be exploring here because, why would we. 

Whatever it is, though (Ed: IT IS A MAN FOR CHRIST SAKE), Example has a new single out soon, and after racking up some respectable hits in his native England, he may just have his sights on the good ol' US of A (or perhaps he doesn't...one can't be sure without checking and we really can't be bothered at the moment).  A few years ago an act like Example would have about as much chance of breaking the States as Xtina does losing the "baby weight," but we now live in a post-Gaga world where quirky dance tracks are ALL THE RAGE.  Especially dark and brooding dance tracks with vaguely dystopian lyrics.  LIKE THIS ONE.

In all honesty we are quite sure that nothing will happen with 'Stay Awake' (that's the name of the single, by the way) over here in America save for a dodgy dance chart placing (let's say #8 or so) and some EXCITING but MEANINGLESS performances at a few outdoor festivals where everyone enjoys themselves but is too strung out on Crunch or Pitpops, or whatever the new fad drug is, to remember to download the tracks afterwards.

Still, a nice tune though. 

Example - Stay Awake by PurplePR

The new Natalia Kills/Will.i.am video is like an AMAZING VERSION OF LADY GAGA but not pretentious or preachy. But a lot like Gaga. Like, a lot.

One certainly is fierce, isn't one.

As Lady Gaga continues her descent down the Lauper ladder of ridiculousness and unsustainability, the scramble is on to find the NEXT BIG THING.  Most of the people who are "in the know" figure that thing will be a little lady by the name of Natalia Kills, who has yet to find success despite being quite hotly tipped.  Like, she had a hit in Germany for two seconds, but so did Kazaky and JEdward so that's not really something you want to Twitter blast.

The long and the short of it is she's basically Lady Gaga but British and less preachy.  And her new song is amazing.  It's - in keeping with a theme, apparently - just like Gaga used to be before she decided she was Born This Way with horns and shit.  The video for 'Free' is a little spectacular too.  Natalia looks like a methed-out extra from 'Wicked,' and there are words on the screen every so often so you know it's classy. Also there are some shots of people sticking shoes down their panties.

As you do.

The track also features Will.i.am for absolutely no reason, saying ridiculous things for absolutely no reason, and sort of lurching around the video for absolutely - wait for it - no reason.

AS YOU DO.

Cher Lloyd's 'Swagger Jagger' video is kind of great but if you tell anyone we said that we will stab you in the ear

Yeah this is a thing now.

So here's the thing - the Cher Lloyd song is crap.  Everyone knows it's crap, everyone says it's crap, and everyone knows they're right to say so.  But it is also kind of amazing.  It's a ridiculous queef of a song that lyrically makes no sense whatsoever and musically is on par with a Roomba having a stroke, but - God forgive us - we're a little bit in love with it.  In like, a really aggressive, German leather-porn kind of way.

The weird thing is, we were just okay with the track until we saw the video, and then for NO REASON we fell head over heels for it.  Which is kind of comforting, because it leaves open the possibility that Simon Cowell has inserted subliminal messages into the clip or something (because come on, that is totally something he would do), but unfortunately it's hard to believe that's the case, considering the openly hostile response the video has received on the interwebs.  It has something like 17,000 "thumbs ups" on YouTube versus around a billion "thumbs downs," which is dangerously close to Rebecca Black territory. 

Let's take a peek at some of the comments shall we?

- "anyone who actually buys this shit needs to have their fucking brain amputated"
- "WHAT DO WE HAVE TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT, WE JUST DONT WANT TO BE TONE DEATH WHEN WE ARE OLD!!!"
- "gud tune"

So some very eloquent points on both sides of the debate, then.

We have to wonder what exactly is motivating all the hatred, though, since the clip is colorful, BANG ON TREND, and features a generous dollop of Ms. Lloyd's undeniable charisma.  And also a Cheryl Cole drag queen.

Meet your TrannyBingo host - every Thursday night at the Boston Clipper in Northampton.

Whatever the reason no one seems to like it, we're perfectly happy having it be our dirty little secret.  Bring it, haterz. We're off to get our brain amputated.



"I mean...."

We just found our SONG OF THE SUMMER - watch Studio Killers' 'Ode To The Bouncer' now!

Comes with everything you see here.  Just add shirtless boys.

Every year there are many songs that try super duper hard to rise to the top of the rooftop-party heap.  But try as the many might, only one or two tunes can triumph, blasting their fabulousness across the warm and sunny landscape like a speedo-clad glitter cannon.  It's inevitable that some superstars will throw their hat in the ring (Ke$ha, Kylie, Britney, etc.), since having a summer anthem opens the door to a few months of steady sales and appearances on all manner of floats, pier parties and pretty much anywhere else ecstasy can be found, but almost invariably the winner ends up being an absolute surprise to everyone. 

For ScopiSat, this year is no different, as a tune has come out of nowhere, pushed aside K-Mo's 'Put Your Hands Up,' K-Ro's 'What A Feeling,' and even Britney's new jam as the ACTUAL SOUND OF THE SUMMER.  It is by a thing called the Studio Killers and it is AMAZING. 

It's a bittersweet tale - an allegory, if you will - of an average girl who wants nothing more than to get into "the club".  It's got a laid-back vibe that makes it sound effortless, yet has an urgency that will set it apart from the rest of any poolside party playlist. 

Also, the video is RIDICULOUSLY COOL.  It's a bit Gorillaz, but also not at all Gorillaz.  It's raunchy but not disgusting, and if there is anything better in this world than animated boobs bouncing to a eurobreak beat, we've yet to see it.




"Amazing."

The new Joe Jonas video is here and you can watch it right now

Oh hello.

WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE NEW JOE JONAS VIDEO.

They include, but are not limited to, the following:

1.  Why is there a dress hanging on Joe's wall?
2.  Why is there broken stoneware on Joe's floor?  He is Joe Jonas.  He can afford a maid.
3.  WHY IS JOE NOT SHIRTLESS?
4.  How did the dress hanging on Joe's wall spontaneously combust, and has the manufacturer been notified that this is an issue?  More importantly, has the PUBLIC been informed that this is an issue, as we can think of few things more horrific than a pretty young girl, all done up in her nice new frock EXPLODING INTO FLAMES.
5.  Why is a girl dancing in the street?  Is it because she is all done up in her nice new frock and afraid she is going to explode into flames? 
6.  WHY IS JOE NOT SHIRTLESS?
7.  Is the smoke billowing across Mr. Jonas' neighborhood intended to be a message of support to all those in the American southwest who are currently battling out-of-control wildfires, and the thousands who have lost or been forced to abandon their homes and businesses because of them?  If not, did no one think that this could be construed to be in SLIGHTLY BAD TASTE considering that thousands of people have lost or been forced to abandon their homes because of out-of-control wildfires that were probably started by exploding dresses?
8.  WHY IS JOE NOT SHIRTLESS?  We know we keep saying that, but we're not even upset just because we don't get to see him without clothes at all in this video.  We are upset because we don't get to see him without clothes in this video and there is ACTUALLY A GOOD REASON FOR HIM TO BE SHIRTLESS IN THIS VIDEO.  You are in a BURNING HOUSE, Joe.  Take off your clothes, for chrissake. 
9.  Where did Joe get his wall sconces, because we would quite like one.

And so on and so forth.

Coldplay's 'Every Teardrop...' video is a waterfall of color and frivolity - watch now!

This is where pretentiousness comes from.

Despite the fact that he married Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin has managed to maintain favor with us for the sole reason that he churns out some bona fide tunes.  One of those tunes is Coldplay's new single, 'Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall,' which has wowed critics and confused listeners, but also become one of their bigger hits in the US.

Usually our SONGS OF THE SUMMER are tiny balls of poppers-smelling glitter, layered with drum tracks and disco whistles, but 'Teardrop' hops on our warm weather playlist by virtue of it being all soaring and escapist and epic.  Coldplay obviously knew this, because they made a video for the song that is also all of those things.

It's essentially several minutes of a neon seizure.  And it is very good.