Here is a video of Joe Jonas having sex - watch the 'Just In Love' teaser and hear the new single now!

What's a purity ring?

Let's be honest.  The only reason we're writing this article is because Joe Jonas is a bona fide sex god whom we are A LITTLE BIT OBSESSED WITH.

Of course it doesn't hurt that his new song is not awful, but really that's just a footnote to the fact that he is "kind of attractive" in the same way that the British Royals are "kind of wealthy" and Xtina is "kind of fat." 

But the main thing to focus on is that the video totally features him doing sex to someone.  In fact, JJ released a nipple-baring preview clip of the vid a few days ago but since then we've been a bit shaky and distracted by it so we completely missed that like, 10 other previews have shown up online. 

Long story short, though, Joe Jonas is hot and his new song doesn't suck.

Here's him with his top off:


And here's a live version of the song (because apparently UMG wants NO ONE TO HEAR the studio recording because heaven forbid it becomes a hit):


"DECENT."

Who wants a FREE DOWNLOAD of the new Joe Jonas single remix?

This is a picture of two Joe Jonases.  It is also known by the title "the hottest couple in the world."

It has to be tough for a former boybander to break out on his own and fail.  And when the band you were in was as wildly obsessed over as the Jonas Brothers, it must be even harder than usual.  Which is why it must have stung terribly when Joe Jonas took the leap and launched his debut solo single to a resounding 'meh.' Though it's probably somewhat of a consolation to look in the mirror every day and see THAT staring back, but whatever.

Despite being a walking satchel of sex, Joe was unable to turn the seat-wetting fanaticism he incites into any sort of actual chart success, which is unfortunate since his first track 'See No More' actually had the makings of a nice hit.  But it was not to be, as it plodded its way to #92 and disappeared back into the pop abyss from whence it came.

It's not the first time this has happened, of course, and it certainly won't be the last, but if failed popstars have learned anything over the last decade or so of pop culture, it's "if at first you don't succeed, chuck out another song and put a donk on it."  AND DONK IT HE HAS.

Here, in download form, is the RATHER BRILLIANT Jump Smokers Mix of the brand new Joe Jonas single 'Love Slayer.'  It is urgent and energetic, and easily the best thing we've heard from the kid so far.  It might not get him the top 10 single he really needs to take off as a solo star, but we're guessing this jam will be tearing up the clubs in no time.

 FREE DOWNLOAD AHOY!
http://www.mediafire.com/?052sw1yo977mymi

The new Joe Jonas video is here and you can watch it right now

Oh hello.

WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE NEW JOE JONAS VIDEO.

They include, but are not limited to, the following:

1.  Why is there a dress hanging on Joe's wall?
2.  Why is there broken stoneware on Joe's floor?  He is Joe Jonas.  He can afford a maid.
3.  WHY IS JOE NOT SHIRTLESS?
4.  How did the dress hanging on Joe's wall spontaneously combust, and has the manufacturer been notified that this is an issue?  More importantly, has the PUBLIC been informed that this is an issue, as we can think of few things more horrific than a pretty young girl, all done up in her nice new frock EXPLODING INTO FLAMES.
5.  Why is a girl dancing in the street?  Is it because she is all done up in her nice new frock and afraid she is going to explode into flames? 
6.  WHY IS JOE NOT SHIRTLESS?
7.  Is the smoke billowing across Mr. Jonas' neighborhood intended to be a message of support to all those in the American southwest who are currently battling out-of-control wildfires, and the thousands who have lost or been forced to abandon their homes and businesses because of them?  If not, did no one think that this could be construed to be in SLIGHTLY BAD TASTE considering that thousands of people have lost or been forced to abandon their homes because of out-of-control wildfires that were probably started by exploding dresses?
8.  WHY IS JOE NOT SHIRTLESS?  We know we keep saying that, but we're not even upset just because we don't get to see him without clothes at all in this video.  We are upset because we don't get to see him without clothes in this video and there is ACTUALLY A GOOD REASON FOR HIM TO BE SHIRTLESS IN THIS VIDEO.  You are in a BURNING HOUSE, Joe.  Take off your clothes, for chrissake. 
9.  Where did Joe get his wall sconces, because we would quite like one.

And so on and so forth.

Joe Jonas is gonna try to knock Justin Timberlake's pop prince tiara off with 'See No More'

"I AM QUITE SEXY"

Once upon a time, in a land far away - unless you live in Los Angeles, in which case much of this actually happened quite nearby - there was a young boy named Joe.  

Joe was adorable and precocious, and had two brothers, each nearly as adorable and precocious as he.  Except for one of them who was kind of fugly.

They lived a happy life in New Jersey, to the extent that living a happy life in New Jersey is possible, but always dreamed of something more.  Joe, in particular, could often be found sitting atop a garbage heap, gazing at the petrochemical factory fumes and daydreaming of a world where he could roam free and be independent and date hot chicks so people wouldn't think he was gay cause he TOTALLY WASN'T GAY.

One day the boys went into the local market to buy some magic beans or something, and there they found a music store.  At the shop owner's prodding, the three boys picked up some instruments, and after finding that they were actually quite good, decided to start a "music band."  They laughed and played and strummed on their instruments in blissful ignorance of the world around them, until a humble talent scout from the distant shire of Hollywood Recordsville heard news of this talented threesome and set off to acquire them for his master's court of internationally popular jesters.

Through child labor laws and nosy parents with their kids' "best interest" at heart, the humble talent scout trekked in his pursuit of Joe and his kin.  And when finally he reached his goal, the boys were better than he had ever dreamed.  "Talented!" he exclaimed, "and adorable!" he chimed, and with a greedy glint in his eye he locked Joe and the boys up in a rather fabulous birdcage from Anthropologie, and stole away into the night.

For years the boys were held captive, forced to play their instruments and dance in a chastely sexual way for the scout's master.  Until one day Joe stood up to the master (Joe was always the brave one) and shouted "NO MORE!  I AM STRIKING OUT ON MY OWN, FOR I DO NOT NEED YOU!"

The master flew into a rage at this outburst, and screamed "you'll never make it on your own!  Boys like you never make it on your own!" and stared a demonic stare that would instill terror in all but the mightiest warriors.  But Joe could not be cowered.  He tightened his fists, and closed his eyes, and in a calm, steady voice replied "but master, what of Michael Jackson?  And of Justin Timberlake?  And of the fat one from Take That who made handbags for a while or whatever?"

At this, the master chortled into his man-cleavage, confident that he had the upper hand.  "Joe, my boy, those jesters all had killer debut solo singles.  You're just out of your league.  Stay here, in my terrifyingly Disney-esque castle and play crap music for teenagers with your brothers."

And then Joe, unmoved by the master's intimidation, took a deep breath, whipped this out and said "suck it, master.  I'm a fucking pop star now."