Rihanna/Calvin Harris' 'We Found Love' premiere! Listen now!

Just another day at the office.

So the new Rihanna is here and it is both very good and very disappointing. 

It is very good because, objectively, it is VERY GOOD.  It has a great catchy hook and a punchy beat and bassline that just begs to be shoulder-dipped to. 

It is disappointing because, listened to in context, it is a song we have heard many times before, from an artist who has made a career of being different and somewhat special. 

Of course it will be #1 for two months and, at the very least, make everyone stop talking about Lady Gaga for a precious few moments, but to be honest, Rihanna, WE EXPECTED A BIT MORE FROM YOU.

You can listen to the premiere HERE thanks to some French piracy.

"Needs work; see us after class" etc

Jennifer Lopez's 'Papi' is KIND OF AMAZING - watch the premiere now!

seashells remind people of vaginas

Jennifer Lopez's third single from her album 'Love(unnecessary punctuation)' is called 'Papi' and it is not terrible, although it is a little creepy.  The video for the song is not terrible either - in that it's better than her last one - but there's something a little .....off about it too.  In fact, it's almost like two videos in one.  One, which is weird and strangely directed, and the other which is brilliant and FIERCE (finger snap bitch stomp). 

The concept is fantastic:  J.Lo eats a cookie which will "bring back love" and through its magic (?) becomes irresistible to all men (ok so by "fantastic" we mean utterly ridiculous but still amazing) and then they fight over her and then break into a budget-busting riot on a city street because why not?

Sounds epic, right?  IT IS.

But the first half of the video is just kind of strange. Not like, BAD strange -far from it, in fact, but there's just something odd about how everything goes down.  The ideas are all fine, but maybe something in the execution just went a little wrong.  Whatever happened, though, it ultimately doesn't matter because the last half of the video saves the whole thing.  Once J.Ho realizes her new-found powers, she COMMANDS THEM WITH DANCE MOVES (amazing) and does a whole dance break thing in booty shorts (AMAZING), and by the hot guy appears with NO EXPLANATION and wisks her away, everyone's completely forgotten all about the first half of the video anyway so in the end SHE WINS.

And you know what, people?  We win too.



"AMAZING."

Agnes warns 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' in new single - listen to the premiere now!

"Before DulcoLax, every day was a struggle"

Agnes is a pop star who comes from Sweden.  Since she comes from Sweden, it would be safe to assume that she is amazing even without any direct evidence to support that assumption, but luckily for our well-respected editorial integrity (citation needed) Agnes has put out some songs in the past (like her hit single 'Release Me') that indisputably proves it.

She started her career on Swedish Idol, and has since become their answer to Kelly Clarkson but gayer and without the boring "artistic" album, and has steadily been building a healthy following outside her home country.  In fact, the aforementioned 'Release Me' went all the way to the UK top 5 - though to be fair that may have just been because everyone thought it was a Leona Lewis song. 

Different people.

Now, international success in tow, Agnes is ready to launch her fourth album, and is gearing up for it with the RATHER GOOD lead single 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart.'  It is, thank god, not a cover of the Elton John/Kiki Dee hit (not that their tune isn't amazing, we're just guessing some Swedish broad doing a eurotrash cover of it probably wouldn't be met with too much success.  Except in Romania.  They'll buy anything in Romania.) but is instead a FULLY NEW, FULLY FANTASTIC jam.

A big-budget video is coming shortly, and if this is all played right (and if the girl from Cascada doesn't have her killed for stealing her thunder) Agnes might just get the sustained international success her royalty accountants so desperately crave.

The Nicola Roberts train rolls on even though it has no passengers - see the 'Sticks And Stones' lyric video premiere now!

"I can't see anything you guys...is my album doing well??"

It is a fact that some of the best, most deserving acts in pop history have been largely overlooked, just as it is also a fact that some of the least deserving acts have gained the most success.

Pictured:  the latter.

Unfortunately, it seems that trend shows no signs of stopping, as Nicola Roberts - the BRILLIANT Nicola Roberts - gears up to launch her debut solo album 'Cinderella's Eyes' next week.  Lead single 'Beat Of My Drum,' despite being refreshing and different and not at all like anything else on the radio, bombed outside the top 20 because it was refreshing and different and not at all like anything else on the radio.  Follow up, and current single, 'Lucky Day,' has made even less impact, though it's not actually released til tomorrow so it could still surprise everyone and be a top 5 smash or something.  (it won't.) 

On the surface it seems like everything was done right, too.  A genius marketing plan, pitting Nic against the other Girls Aloud solo success, Cheryl Cole, was particularly inspired, with 'Team Ginge' shirts showing up everywhere from high street shops to Paul O'Grady's back.  The artwork and imagery was kind of spectacular as well, and with a newsworthy rivalry and a high-fashion-hooker look in tow, Miss Roberts was ready to be launched into the pop stratosphere.  And then ....nothing happened. 

Womp womp.

In any case, Nicola's people are still trucking along with the promo, as now we see the debut of a lyric video for album track 'Sticks and Stones.'  It's all sad and weepy and woe-is-me-except-not-really-because-I-am-a-popstar-and-you-are-not, and is VERY GOOD INDEED in a "very good album track but not at all a single" kind of way. 

So take a listen, buy 'Lucky Day' tomorrow, and get the album when it comes out next week.  Because the gingers are counting on your support.  And if you don't do as they say, they'll come after you. 

Yes.  Yes they will.

Here is a video of Joe Jonas having sex - watch the 'Just In Love' teaser and hear the new single now!

What's a purity ring?

Let's be honest.  The only reason we're writing this article is because Joe Jonas is a bona fide sex god whom we are A LITTLE BIT OBSESSED WITH.

Of course it doesn't hurt that his new song is not awful, but really that's just a footnote to the fact that he is "kind of attractive" in the same way that the British Royals are "kind of wealthy" and Xtina is "kind of fat." 

But the main thing to focus on is that the video totally features him doing sex to someone.  In fact, JJ released a nipple-baring preview clip of the vid a few days ago but since then we've been a bit shaky and distracted by it so we completely missed that like, 10 other previews have shown up online. 

Long story short, though, Joe Jonas is hot and his new song doesn't suck.

Here's him with his top off:


And here's a live version of the song (because apparently UMG wants NO ONE TO HEAR the studio recording because heaven forbid it becomes a hit):


"DECENT."

Wynter Gordon GOES FOR THE GAYS (again) in "Buy My Love" video - watch now!

Oh hayyyy

Wynter Gordon is a dance/pop woman who has been knocking around doing some kind of fabulous things for a few years now.  She topped the US charts on Flo Rida's 'Sugar' in 2009, and then kind of disappeared from mainstream view.  But Wynter didn't go anywhere - she had a couple hits on the dance charts and an inexplicably huge hit in Australia for no reason, and in the process built up quite a buzz as the NEW FIERCE DANCE DIVA (finger snap, wurq, etc.) on the block.

And with all that buzz behind her (and a pretty damn hot behind behind her too) she's ready to claim her tiara and sash as the hot new thing.  Her new single - meant to properly launch her US EP "With The Music I Die" - is called "Buy My Love" and it is KIND OF TREMENDOUS.

It's 80's but in a fun way, it's dancy in a pop way, and it's also got a video that is as hip as it is retro IN A LITERALLY AMAZING WAY. It finds Wynter and her friend, played by Robin Williams' daughter (because why not?) shopping in a clothing store and singing about how much they love money and then dancing sexually about how much they love money and then buying things with money but being kind of slutty about it.

It's essentially Madonna's 'Material Girl' but with more minorities.  And it is AMAZING.

Skylar Grey is 'Invisible' in her new video - watch now!

"I have smelled a fart and it is OBJECTIONABLE."

If you don't know about Skylar Grey already that's fine because neither did we really until we ran across this little gem called 'Invisible.'  It is what we call a "slow jam" and it is about being INVISIBLE and also it is amazing.

Miss Grey has been lauded by "the blogs" and "the music rags" and the like for some time now, but to be honest we couldn't really be bothered with another Dido-ish/Sarah Barielles-like/snoozy-ethereal/"I AM A REAL ARTIST IN AN AGE OF AUTOTUNE AND SYNTHS SO I FEEL VERY SELF-IMPORTANT AND SNOTTY" singer so we kind of ignored all the buzz. 

BUT WE WERE QUITE WRONG TO DO SO. 

'Invisible,' out October 2nd in the UK, is a grown-up pop song, of the kind that will likely become more and more prevalent as the mindless-club-track backlash gains steam, and is the perfect soundtrack to a cool fall morning. 

So if you'll excuse us, we're off to throw on our lightweight scarf and fashionable-yet-functional rain boots we got at that new fauxhemian consignment shop we pretend to hate but secretly have been shopping at regularly, and skip around the falling leaves.  Cause if this is what fall is going to sound like, BRING IT ON, MAMA NATURE.

Gloria Estefan is 'Little Miss Havana' on her new comeback single - listen now!

One of these is a man.

Back in the 90's something happened.  It was an amazing, glittery, fabulous disco ball of a thing, and it was called GLORIA ESTEFAN'S CAREER.  

We know that the music buffs out there will point out that she started her ascent into Latina Divadom back in the 70's (and that two of her biggest hits, the VERY GOOD 'Dr. Beat' and 'Rhythm Is Gonna Get You' were huge in the 80's), but for us she really came into her own in 1991 with the release of the kind-of-amazing 'Live For Loving You' with its day-glo tacky video and "ooooooooh la la la la la la la" refrain that none of you will be able to get out of your head for the rest of the day (you're welcome). 

And it only got better from there.  The underrated 'Go Away' in 1993 failed to chart but thanks to heavy rotation on VH1 is permanently etched in our memory as the soundtrack to an awkward adolescence, while her cover of 'Everlasting Love' and its ridiculous drag queen video gave THE GAYS a pop icon they could rally behind.  The apex came with 'Turn The Beat Around' nearly scraping the US Top 10, and then it was 2000, Gloria went back to her Latin roots, and everyone stopped caring.  (sad face emoticon, etc.)

But she's back, amigos!  The fabulous songstress who even a near-paralyzing bus crash couldn't keep down is launching her new album with dance track 'Little Miss Havana.'  It's the title track from her new LP, and it's....."pleasant." 

We totally get that she's like 80 or something, and probably doesn't want to go balls-to-the-wall anymore, but come on G-dog.  Cher was 110 and chucked out 'Believe.'  It's not that 'Havana' is bad, mind you, it's just in a Gaga/Britney/Ke$ha world it's going to take more than a thumping beat to make any sort of impact.  Still, while it's nowhere (read: NOWHERE) near the brilliance of some of Gloria's past tracks, it's nice to have her back. 



"Not a hit."