And suddenly Fergie realized she was at the wrong Quinceanera
Alright, we all know the new BEP track is a steaming, lowbrow amalgamation of everything mediocre in this world. So, coming from a group once known for their ground-breaking jams, you'd think they'd at least try extra hard to make a super great video for 'The Time', wouldn't you?
Well, they didn't.
The musical collective - who are fast becoming the Old Navy of pop music - have decided to do the ABSOLUTE LEAST AMOUNT OF WORK POSSIBLE in creating the clip, and mostly just mouth things at the screen while walking through streets/clubs/other places Snooki probably hangs out, and then have GROUNDBREAKING VISUAL EFFECTS layered on top of them by other people who specialize in that sort of thing.
In all honesty the pixel thing is pretty cool, but it's nothing we haven't seen before and certainly can't wash away the taste of pure evil that lingers in our ears every time we hear the song. So to Fergie and the other people in the group who are not Fergie but wish they were, we would like to just say: either try harder or don't bother.
"See me after class" etc.
'The Time (Dirty Bit)' is off the BEP's new album 'The Beginning' (ironic, because they certainly are starting to sound like they are very much at THE END) which "drops" November 29.
We here at ScopiSat are generally positive and uplifting people. It is not in our nature to revel in the misfortune of others, even when they bring it on themselves by wearing RIDICULOUS THINGS AND BLEETING LIKE A SHEEP INTO A MICROPHONE.
So, having said that, here are some good things about the Miley Cyrus performance of her new death dirge 'Forgiveness and Love':
1. Her hair didn't look as horrible as it has in the past.
2. By recycling a burial shroud BEAUTIFUL GOWN from the late 19th century she set a fine example for the youth of America, leading the charge in the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" campaign.
3. There wasn't a stripper pole in sight, although we're sure in a pinch any one of those candelabras could be straddled and ground against - which in retrospect really could have taken this performance to the next level.
4. The performance provided temporary employment to a number of live musicians, and in these economic times that is truly something to be applauded.
5. Clocking in at a measly 3:25 the whole debacle could have been dragged out much, much longer.
ScopiSat is of the opinion that 'Better Than Today' is VERY GOOD, and is, in fact, the best choice the K-Mo folks could have made to put the pop princess back on top after the disappointing chart run of 'Get Outta My Way.' Others - namely die-hard Kylie fans - disagree, but perhaps this shiny new video will silence some of that discontent.
They certainly didn't blow the budget on this one, but somehow it still manages to come off looking less thrown together than 'Get Outta My Way' did, and is the most "Kylie" a Kylie video has been in ages.
It's also a world better than yesterday's debut of the video for her Taio Cruz duet 'Higher,' which isn't horrible but is essentailly one long BMW advert.
Anyway, here is 'Better Than Today' in all its Pac Man pop goodness:
"If we just keep smiling they'll never know which one of us farted"
Let's just get this out of the way - this song ('Higher') isn't particularly great or groundbreaking, and the video is even less so. But each are still far more than adequate, and all parties involved should be very proud for managing to look airbrushed without LOOKING AIRBRUSHED.
As we've said before, though, average Kylie equates to above average anyone else, so we're not complaining.
Having established the foregoing, we are left with the burning question of EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY BMW paid for this spot. Our guess is in the mid-six-figures, but we could be way off the mark.
We also should note that Taio and Kylie never actually touch or really interact, because while the Taio/K-mo track will be released worldwide (it's already topping charts in Australia), the U.S. version (not North American - Canada is getting Kylie too, leaving the U.S. the only odd man out) will feature something called a Travie McCoy whom we just found out is not a woman. Presumably, then, the video will be re-cut to include the Travie thing in place of Kylie, but - and again we're presuming - doing different things than Kylie so the video doesn't seem GAY which would be TERRIBLE.
The Kylie version is out worldwide January 16
EDIT: does anyone else feel like they were building up to a BIG EPIC DANCE BREAK and then ran out of time and said 'eh, let's just throw some more shots of the cars in there instead'?
Are you a music lover that likes your pagan ritualism mixed with 60's go-go dancing and beachwear? If you are, then have we got the video for you!
The ALL NEW, ALL SWEDISH Lykke Li video is all of the above things, with the added bonus of being shot in ACTUAL BLACK AND WHITE - the film of choice for such music video classics as Madonna's 'Oh Father' and EYC's 'Feelin Alright' (Look it up. It's pretty brilliant).
'Get Some' is a clusterbomb of percussion and punchy vocals, in a kind of Moloko-meets-Florence and the Machine way, and hopefully signals that there are good things to come from Lykke's forthcoming album. And if it doesn't, well, we'll always have the black and white.
The single is out now for FREE DOWNLOAD, with the album to follow early next year.
This is what Florrie's head looks like while she is doing a shit.
Florrie, despite our never having heard anything by her til now, is already somewhat of a pop goddess in our minds and is such based mostly on several pictures we have seen of her looking QUITE FETCHING. Well, we're happy to report that her photographs did not steer us wrong, for she is actually a little bit amazing, musically.
To be fair we kind of knew she would be going in, because she is the new Xenomania front-songstress, but it's still nice to have some solid confirmation.
As a sort of introduction to the pop masses, Florrie's people have chosen to chuck out an EP onto the interwebs for all to enjoy. And by "all" we actually, for once, mean ALL, as the entire record is available for free from her website here.
If you're not convinced by the fact that it is FREE, perhaps you will be convinced by the fact that it is, in large part, also AMAZING, as evidenced by the following:
Jessie J is a bit of an issue for us. She's super good-looking and seems to have genuine talent (she co-wrote Miley's 'Party In The USA'), but she insists on putting out tuneless dated crap like 'Do It Like A Dude.'
This is the kind of unfortunate R&B style-over-substance unfortunateness that preceded, and arguably brought on, the pop renaissance, and certainly would have fit into the music landscape of the mid-2000's.
In a way us pop fans owe a debt to that time... it took the image-over-melody movement to its extreme, and drove the idea so far into the ground that it allowed pop, with all its hooks and earnestness, to come back with a vengeance.
But now, in the 20-teens, a track like this seems hopelessly out of place. The song itself is essentially non-existent, instead letting the beats and sound effects do all the heavy lifting - which is odd, as she is quite an accomplished songwriter ('PARTY IN THE USfreakinA', PEOPLE). Indeed, if someone were to attempt to remake 'Do It' in a different, more straightforward style (say, a rock or country cover), they would be left with little more than a terrifying mess resembling a not-very-gifted-five-year-old's poem.
It irks us, dear readers.
It keeps us awake at night.
It leaves us shaking our fists at the sky and screaming "WHY WOULD A MERCIFUL GOD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN" while the camera pans up through falling rain, VERY DRAMATIC music plays, and the image turns sepia because that is what is done when something is meant to be MOODY.
Having said all that, it is unfortunately for all these same reasons that it will inevitably be huge and inescapable for the next year, after which it will disappear entirely until being resurrected by the "This Is 2010" special edition of the NOW series - which will by that time be delivered, Matrix-style, directly into neck-mounted USB drives - on which the track will feature not because it is a brilliant song, but because the royalty payment is so cheap.
The whole debacle is made all the more sad because her other tunes are actually quite listenable, and despite the rather intimidating (read: ACTUALLY FRIGHTENING) video below, Jessie herself seems like a perfectly decent person. We're sure we'll be hearing more of her in the future, but you'll forgive us if we wait til the next single to jump on the Jessie J bandwagon.
We were discussing Robyn with one of our friends today, and the conversation went something like this:
Friend: How is Robyn not bigger than Ke$ha?
ScopiSat: Totes - her teeth are jacked but at least she showers.
THE END
Well, if Robyn's brand new track 'Time Machine' doesn't finally put The Unwashed One in her place once and for all, nothing will, because it's pretty effing brilliant.
Robyn first burst onto the global pop scene with Max Martin-penned jams like 'Show Me Love' and 'Do You Know (What It Takes)' all the way back in 1995. And just in case you wanted our opinion on those, it is summed up by a word that starts with A and ends with G and is AMAZING.
Now, 14 (FOURTEEN) years later, Robyn has come full circle and has teamed up with Max Martin again. Martin has found the kind of longevity, hits, and success that most songwriters only dream of, and Robyn's renaissance has been nothing less than spectacular, so you'll forgive us if we expected quite a lot out of their new collaboration. In fact, this pairing seems like a Paula Deen butter-covered recipe for disaster, simply because pop fans' expectations will surely be high, but at times like these all we can really do is sit back, hit play, and pray for the best.
And THAT, ScopiSubjects, is how you do a pop song.
This LITERALLY EPIC tune is out on Robyn's 'Body Talk' LP on Nov 22 and is slated to be a North American single soon.
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