The Saturdays put down the poppers for 'My Heart Takes Over' - listen to the premiere now!

Not Girls Aloud.

The Saturdays, in all their handlers' infinite wisdom, decided to chuck in the R&B-lite sound they had since their inception, and go for a full-on club attack on their new album 'On Your Radar' - a new album which has already had three singles taken from it, and won't even be out until next year.  So basically it will be a compilation album of a bunch of singles you've already heard, and some filler tracks that after hearing you'll wish you hadn't.

But insane state-of-the-industry rantings aside, we're totally fans of The Sats' new direction, albeit in an apathetic "meh" kind of way.  Sure, they're chasing the Britney/Rihanna/Everyone Else trend, and yeah, they haven't put out even one song in their entire history that could qualify as a "classic," but is anyone really expecting any sort of artistic achievement from these ladies?

The answer is no.

To be completely fair (AS WE ALWAYS ARE Ed: this is blatantly false. Delete.) the album's second single 'All Fired Up' was a bit of an underrated masterpiece of forward-thinking pop, but again, to be completely fair (Ed: STOP SAYING THIS) the band themselves really had nothing to do with it other than showing up for a few minutes and yelling into an autotune machine.

For album single number 3,  the girls have done one of those songs that happens during a concert right after the band has said something like "if it's all right with you, we're going to slow it on down."  Inevitably, in those situations, it most certainly is NOT alright with us, but it's something we all have to deal with and sometimes we all have to realize not everything can be glitterbomb donk fierceness all the time.  As mid-tempo ballads go, it's actually not half bad, but it's got a shelf-life of about a week on our iPod after which it will fade into oblivion only to be recalled in the context of the group's Wikipedia discography.  

Long story short, at the end of the day we're left with some girls who sing what their told to, some label execs who have made relatively wise decisions regarding their repertoire, and the comforting personal knowledge that the Sats' new track is fine and that when the album FINALLY comes out after another six singles and a stadium tour, it will be fine too.

Which is good enough.

The boys from The Wanted do a porn - watch the video for 'Lightning' now!

And this is only two of them.

Ok so it's not really a porn.  But it's close.

It seems like ever since the young one (Nathan, we think, or Chris, or James or something...) turned 18, The Wanted have gotten racier and racier.  Not that we're complaining mind you - it's just an observation.

We basically "would" with them all, even though we'd only do it with some of them because they're in a famous band, but to be fair it is A VERY GOOD BAND who does VERY GOOD SONGS like 'Lightning.'  Actually, though, now that we think of it, maybe we ARE complaining about their OVERT SEXINESS.  We almost wish that they weren't quite so damn hot, since that is bound to get in the way of anyone enjoying their tracks for what they are - rather brilliant slices of of-the-moment pop.

Take 'Lightning' for example: while we're all staring at their chiseled-but-not-too-chiseled triceps, a great beat is happening, and while everyone is enamored with the post-production-"sexy" flesh tone they've all been given, a catchy melody is thumping around.  So in the interest of journalistic integrity we must ask:  ARE THE WANTED TOO SEXY FOR THEIR OWN GOOD?

And of course the answer is no.

Take it off, boys.

Luciana ropes in THE ACTUAL BETTY WHITE for 'I'm Still Hot' - listen now!

We would totally see this "buddy cop" movie

We could spend hours and hours wringing our hands in confusion as to how this collaboration came about exactly, or we could spend those hours enjoying the very good song that resulted. 

It's a song by Luciana and it features Betty White.  So, it is AMAZING. 

The track is called 'I'm Still Hot,' and is a by-the-numbers club track but done exceptionally well - which is kind of Luciana's "thing".  She doesn't really bring anything particularly new to the table ("ooh look a woman talking over some beats" etc.) but her mode of delivery is pretty great.  She's also featured on some rather awesome tracks (Taio Cruz's 'Come On Girl' being just one) but now has gotten QUITE THE STAR to feature on one of her own.

The original version of 'Hot' has already hit the top 3 of the dance charts, and we have a feeling this remix will push it to the summit.  Because who doesn't love Betty White?  She's sweet, she's crass, she's funny, and most importantly, she's still hot.

If this version of 'Hot' charts, this will be Ms. White's first appearance on Billboard in the US, or on the official UK countdown.  And we can't wait to see her name on both of them.

Rihanna/Calvin Harris' 'We Found Love' premiere! Listen now!

Just another day at the office.

So the new Rihanna is here and it is both very good and very disappointing. 

It is very good because, objectively, it is VERY GOOD.  It has a great catchy hook and a punchy beat and bassline that just begs to be shoulder-dipped to. 

It is disappointing because, listened to in context, it is a song we have heard many times before, from an artist who has made a career of being different and somewhat special. 

Of course it will be #1 for two months and, at the very least, make everyone stop talking about Lady Gaga for a precious few moments, but to be honest, Rihanna, WE EXPECTED A BIT MORE FROM YOU.

You can listen to the premiere HERE thanks to some French piracy.

"Needs work; see us after class" etc

Jennifer Lopez's 'Papi' is KIND OF AMAZING - watch the premiere now!

seashells remind people of vaginas

Jennifer Lopez's third single from her album 'Love(unnecessary punctuation)' is called 'Papi' and it is not terrible, although it is a little creepy.  The video for the song is not terrible either - in that it's better than her last one - but there's something a little .....off about it too.  In fact, it's almost like two videos in one.  One, which is weird and strangely directed, and the other which is brilliant and FIERCE (finger snap bitch stomp). 

The concept is fantastic:  J.Lo eats a cookie which will "bring back love" and through its magic (?) becomes irresistible to all men (ok so by "fantastic" we mean utterly ridiculous but still amazing) and then they fight over her and then break into a budget-busting riot on a city street because why not?

Sounds epic, right?  IT IS.

But the first half of the video is just kind of strange. Not like, BAD strange -far from it, in fact, but there's just something odd about how everything goes down.  The ideas are all fine, but maybe something in the execution just went a little wrong.  Whatever happened, though, it ultimately doesn't matter because the last half of the video saves the whole thing.  Once J.Ho realizes her new-found powers, she COMMANDS THEM WITH DANCE MOVES (amazing) and does a whole dance break thing in booty shorts (AMAZING), and by the hot guy appears with NO EXPLANATION and wisks her away, everyone's completely forgotten all about the first half of the video anyway so in the end SHE WINS.

And you know what, people?  We win too.



"AMAZING."

Agnes warns 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' in new single - listen to the premiere now!

"Before DulcoLax, every day was a struggle"

Agnes is a pop star who comes from Sweden.  Since she comes from Sweden, it would be safe to assume that she is amazing even without any direct evidence to support that assumption, but luckily for our well-respected editorial integrity (citation needed) Agnes has put out some songs in the past (like her hit single 'Release Me') that indisputably proves it.

She started her career on Swedish Idol, and has since become their answer to Kelly Clarkson but gayer and without the boring "artistic" album, and has steadily been building a healthy following outside her home country.  In fact, the aforementioned 'Release Me' went all the way to the UK top 5 - though to be fair that may have just been because everyone thought it was a Leona Lewis song. 

Different people.

Now, international success in tow, Agnes is ready to launch her fourth album, and is gearing up for it with the RATHER GOOD lead single 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart.'  It is, thank god, not a cover of the Elton John/Kiki Dee hit (not that their tune isn't amazing, we're just guessing some Swedish broad doing a eurotrash cover of it probably wouldn't be met with too much success.  Except in Romania.  They'll buy anything in Romania.) but is instead a FULLY NEW, FULLY FANTASTIC jam.

A big-budget video is coming shortly, and if this is all played right (and if the girl from Cascada doesn't have her killed for stealing her thunder) Agnes might just get the sustained international success her royalty accountants so desperately crave.

The Nicola Roberts train rolls on even though it has no passengers - see the 'Sticks And Stones' lyric video premiere now!

"I can't see anything you guys...is my album doing well??"

It is a fact that some of the best, most deserving acts in pop history have been largely overlooked, just as it is also a fact that some of the least deserving acts have gained the most success.

Pictured:  the latter.

Unfortunately, it seems that trend shows no signs of stopping, as Nicola Roberts - the BRILLIANT Nicola Roberts - gears up to launch her debut solo album 'Cinderella's Eyes' next week.  Lead single 'Beat Of My Drum,' despite being refreshing and different and not at all like anything else on the radio, bombed outside the top 20 because it was refreshing and different and not at all like anything else on the radio.  Follow up, and current single, 'Lucky Day,' has made even less impact, though it's not actually released til tomorrow so it could still surprise everyone and be a top 5 smash or something.  (it won't.) 

On the surface it seems like everything was done right, too.  A genius marketing plan, pitting Nic against the other Girls Aloud solo success, Cheryl Cole, was particularly inspired, with 'Team Ginge' shirts showing up everywhere from high street shops to Paul O'Grady's back.  The artwork and imagery was kind of spectacular as well, and with a newsworthy rivalry and a high-fashion-hooker look in tow, Miss Roberts was ready to be launched into the pop stratosphere.  And then ....nothing happened. 

Womp womp.

In any case, Nicola's people are still trucking along with the promo, as now we see the debut of a lyric video for album track 'Sticks and Stones.'  It's all sad and weepy and woe-is-me-except-not-really-because-I-am-a-popstar-and-you-are-not, and is VERY GOOD INDEED in a "very good album track but not at all a single" kind of way. 

So take a listen, buy 'Lucky Day' tomorrow, and get the album when it comes out next week.  Because the gingers are counting on your support.  And if you don't do as they say, they'll come after you. 

Yes.  Yes they will.

Here is a video of Joe Jonas having sex - watch the 'Just In Love' teaser and hear the new single now!

What's a purity ring?

Let's be honest.  The only reason we're writing this article is because Joe Jonas is a bona fide sex god whom we are A LITTLE BIT OBSESSED WITH.

Of course it doesn't hurt that his new song is not awful, but really that's just a footnote to the fact that he is "kind of attractive" in the same way that the British Royals are "kind of wealthy" and Xtina is "kind of fat." 

But the main thing to focus on is that the video totally features him doing sex to someone.  In fact, JJ released a nipple-baring preview clip of the vid a few days ago but since then we've been a bit shaky and distracted by it so we completely missed that like, 10 other previews have shown up online. 

Long story short, though, Joe Jonas is hot and his new song doesn't suck.

Here's him with his top off:


And here's a live version of the song (because apparently UMG wants NO ONE TO HEAR the studio recording because heaven forbid it becomes a hit):


"DECENT."

Wynter Gordon GOES FOR THE GAYS (again) in "Buy My Love" video - watch now!

Oh hayyyy

Wynter Gordon is a dance/pop woman who has been knocking around doing some kind of fabulous things for a few years now.  She topped the US charts on Flo Rida's 'Sugar' in 2009, and then kind of disappeared from mainstream view.  But Wynter didn't go anywhere - she had a couple hits on the dance charts and an inexplicably huge hit in Australia for no reason, and in the process built up quite a buzz as the NEW FIERCE DANCE DIVA (finger snap, wurq, etc.) on the block.

And with all that buzz behind her (and a pretty damn hot behind behind her too) she's ready to claim her tiara and sash as the hot new thing.  Her new single - meant to properly launch her US EP "With The Music I Die" - is called "Buy My Love" and it is KIND OF TREMENDOUS.

It's 80's but in a fun way, it's dancy in a pop way, and it's also got a video that is as hip as it is retro IN A LITERALLY AMAZING WAY. It finds Wynter and her friend, played by Robin Williams' daughter (because why not?) shopping in a clothing store and singing about how much they love money and then dancing sexually about how much they love money and then buying things with money but being kind of slutty about it.

It's essentially Madonna's 'Material Girl' but with more minorities.  And it is AMAZING.

Skylar Grey is 'Invisible' in her new video - watch now!

"I have smelled a fart and it is OBJECTIONABLE."

If you don't know about Skylar Grey already that's fine because neither did we really until we ran across this little gem called 'Invisible.'  It is what we call a "slow jam" and it is about being INVISIBLE and also it is amazing.

Miss Grey has been lauded by "the blogs" and "the music rags" and the like for some time now, but to be honest we couldn't really be bothered with another Dido-ish/Sarah Barielles-like/snoozy-ethereal/"I AM A REAL ARTIST IN AN AGE OF AUTOTUNE AND SYNTHS SO I FEEL VERY SELF-IMPORTANT AND SNOTTY" singer so we kind of ignored all the buzz. 

BUT WE WERE QUITE WRONG TO DO SO. 

'Invisible,' out October 2nd in the UK, is a grown-up pop song, of the kind that will likely become more and more prevalent as the mindless-club-track backlash gains steam, and is the perfect soundtrack to a cool fall morning. 

So if you'll excuse us, we're off to throw on our lightweight scarf and fashionable-yet-functional rain boots we got at that new fauxhemian consignment shop we pretend to hate but secretly have been shopping at regularly, and skip around the falling leaves.  Cause if this is what fall is going to sound like, BRING IT ON, MAMA NATURE.

Gloria Estefan is 'Little Miss Havana' on her new comeback single - listen now!

One of these is a man.

Back in the 90's something happened.  It was an amazing, glittery, fabulous disco ball of a thing, and it was called GLORIA ESTEFAN'S CAREER.  

We know that the music buffs out there will point out that she started her ascent into Latina Divadom back in the 70's (and that two of her biggest hits, the VERY GOOD 'Dr. Beat' and 'Rhythm Is Gonna Get You' were huge in the 80's), but for us she really came into her own in 1991 with the release of the kind-of-amazing 'Live For Loving You' with its day-glo tacky video and "ooooooooh la la la la la la la" refrain that none of you will be able to get out of your head for the rest of the day (you're welcome). 

And it only got better from there.  The underrated 'Go Away' in 1993 failed to chart but thanks to heavy rotation on VH1 is permanently etched in our memory as the soundtrack to an awkward adolescence, while her cover of 'Everlasting Love' and its ridiculous drag queen video gave THE GAYS a pop icon they could rally behind.  The apex came with 'Turn The Beat Around' nearly scraping the US Top 10, and then it was 2000, Gloria went back to her Latin roots, and everyone stopped caring.  (sad face emoticon, etc.)

But she's back, amigos!  The fabulous songstress who even a near-paralyzing bus crash couldn't keep down is launching her new album with dance track 'Little Miss Havana.'  It's the title track from her new LP, and it's....."pleasant." 

We totally get that she's like 80 or something, and probably doesn't want to go balls-to-the-wall anymore, but come on G-dog.  Cher was 110 and chucked out 'Believe.'  It's not that 'Havana' is bad, mind you, it's just in a Gaga/Britney/Ke$ha world it's going to take more than a thumping beat to make any sort of impact.  Still, while it's nowhere (read: NOWHERE) near the brilliance of some of Gloria's past tracks, it's nice to have her back. 



"Not a hit."

Frankmusik and Colette Carr have "No ID" in their new duet - listen now!

A picture of a person smoking in a hat.

Oh, Frankmusik.  How awesome he is, and how underappreciated he remains.  And also hot.  But mostly underappreciated. 

His last single, 'Do It In The AM,' despite being one of the better jams we've heard recently, didn't make a dent in the charts either in the US or his homeland of the UK.  It remains, however, one of our most-played iPod tracks of the last year, which should be some consolation to Mr. musik, as we generally have VERY GOOD TASTE.

With only a couple weeks to go until his sophomore album's launch, Frankie's decided to put out a decidedly more mellow track for the LP's second single.  But in true Frankmusik fashion, it's a "dance ballad" with SYNTHS and BEATS and AWESOMENESS oozing from every bar.  It's a duet with a thing called Colette Carr, a rapper/singer who lists her influences as Led Zepplin, Dr. Dre, and Britney Spears (we get it, you're super meta and eclectic) and has topped Billboard's ridiculously-named "Uncharted Artists" chart. It's also pretty damn good.


Will the song turn around Frankmusik's fortunes on the singles countdown?  Not likely - though we do predict his album will shift a respectable number of copies due to his popularity on "the blogs" and such.  It's a real shame he hasn't broken through, though, as the pop world could really do with an epic superstar spouting off things like:

"...I've finessed the songwriting, the songs are a lot more punchy. They're a bit more concise. So when people are gonna say it isn't me, "Frankmusik sold out," I'll just say "No, Frankmusik got more fucking concise," and they can suck a dick."

That's right, Frankie.  They can all go suck a dick.  And we'll just keep on enjoying your music.

Frankmusik - "No I.D." feat. Colette Carr by Interscope Records

"VERY GOOD"

ScopiSat News Roundup: Gaga, Adele, and Madonna

So we were "on vacation" for the past few days which means we were far too drunk to post anything.  But nevertheless, stuff continued to happen.  THIS IS THAT STUFF:

1.  Adele covered Vogue UK in epic fashion:

"werk"

2. Gaga chucked out the first of five (?!) "extra" music videos for 'Yoü And I,' further underscoring the fact that it is kind of shit and not really "catching on."  All we have to say is at least she's not in man-drag this time.

Lady Gaga: "Look, I can be ladylike!"  World: "Too late, no one cares."                           

3.  Madonna's second directorial effort debuted and it is....not good.  Here's her talking about it with the BBC.

"I can and will have you killed just for looking me in the eye"

Also some other things happened but no one cared.

The end.