Joe Jonas is gonna try to knock Justin Timberlake's pop prince tiara off with 'See No More'

"I AM QUITE SEXY"

Once upon a time, in a land far away - unless you live in Los Angeles, in which case much of this actually happened quite nearby - there was a young boy named Joe.  

Joe was adorable and precocious, and had two brothers, each nearly as adorable and precocious as he.  Except for one of them who was kind of fugly.

They lived a happy life in New Jersey, to the extent that living a happy life in New Jersey is possible, but always dreamed of something more.  Joe, in particular, could often be found sitting atop a garbage heap, gazing at the petrochemical factory fumes and daydreaming of a world where he could roam free and be independent and date hot chicks so people wouldn't think he was gay cause he TOTALLY WASN'T GAY.

One day the boys went into the local market to buy some magic beans or something, and there they found a music store.  At the shop owner's prodding, the three boys picked up some instruments, and after finding that they were actually quite good, decided to start a "music band."  They laughed and played and strummed on their instruments in blissful ignorance of the world around them, until a humble talent scout from the distant shire of Hollywood Recordsville heard news of this talented threesome and set off to acquire them for his master's court of internationally popular jesters.

Through child labor laws and nosy parents with their kids' "best interest" at heart, the humble talent scout trekked in his pursuit of Joe and his kin.  And when finally he reached his goal, the boys were better than he had ever dreamed.  "Talented!" he exclaimed, "and adorable!" he chimed, and with a greedy glint in his eye he locked Joe and the boys up in a rather fabulous birdcage from Anthropologie, and stole away into the night.

For years the boys were held captive, forced to play their instruments and dance in a chastely sexual way for the scout's master.  Until one day Joe stood up to the master (Joe was always the brave one) and shouted "NO MORE!  I AM STRIKING OUT ON MY OWN, FOR I DO NOT NEED YOU!"

The master flew into a rage at this outburst, and screamed "you'll never make it on your own!  Boys like you never make it on your own!" and stared a demonic stare that would instill terror in all but the mightiest warriors.  But Joe could not be cowered.  He tightened his fists, and closed his eyes, and in a calm, steady voice replied "but master, what of Michael Jackson?  And of Justin Timberlake?  And of the fat one from Take That who made handbags for a while or whatever?"

At this, the master chortled into his man-cleavage, confident that he had the upper hand.  "Joe, my boy, those jesters all had killer debut solo singles.  You're just out of your league.  Stay here, in my terrifyingly Disney-esque castle and play crap music for teenagers with your brothers."

And then Joe, unmoved by the master's intimidation, took a deep breath, whipped this out and said "suck it, master.  I'm a fucking pop star now."

It's a Kylie kind of weekend - listen to the full version of the brand new track 'Silence' now!

'I think I got some Ke$ha in my teeth'

Well we're just getting spoiled now - not only have some spectacular mixes of new single 'Put Your Hands Up' leaked, but now we can hear the complete version of the B-side.  It's a new track called 'Silence' and it is RATHER BRILLIANT.

It's considerably darker sounding than K-Mo's 'Aphrodite' LP, which may be why it was rejected from the final track listing.  While it's still a FULL ON DANCE FLOOR CORKER, it's a good deal less sparkly and glittery.  It replaces the sunshine and unicorns of the album with a menacing and more organic vibe, and features the slightly genius pop lyric 'I understand you in the silence so there is no need to say a word; It feels so right you can't deny it, the best is what you haven't heard.' 

VERY GOOD INDEED.

FREE DOWNLOAD - Get a ragingly awesome mix of Kylie's new single 'Put Your Hands Up' now!

fact.

Despite telling everyone that there would be no more singles released from the Aphrodite album, our K-Mo has only gone ahead and commissioned a load of mixes for 'Put Your Hands Up' and is preparing to service them to radio and download outlets.  Which, according to the generally accepted industry standard, will make it an ACTUAL SINGLE and therefore also make Kylie a LYING JEZEBEL who can never be trusted.

But when we get output as golden as this, what's a little lack of trust between friends?

The Basto's Major Mayhem Edit received its first premiere on the UK's Gaydar Radio a short time ago, and a DJ by the name of DJScorpio has made a quite decent re-edit of it (taking out the British person speaking over the beginning, for instance).

The Mayhem Edit itself is a brilliant rework of the tune, and would probably do some significant chart damage as the worldwide official single mix.  Which, considering the debacle that has been Kylie's European promotion lately, means this version will be stuck on some random EP or only released to radio stations in South Africa or something.  So maybe it won't (but hopefully it does) get the exposure it deserves, but luckily for all you ScopiSubjects you can download it now for ABSOLUTELY FREE.

Happy Summer, everyone.

  Put Your Hands Up (Djscorpio's Basto's Major Mayhem Edit Re-edit) by djscorpio-lmn

Lady Gaga sings 'The Edge of Glory' on American Idol while standing on an actual edge

To vote for Lady Gaga, dial MONSTER

Last night millions of Americans threw away their standard text messaging fees on choosing the "best of a bad bunch" winner of American Idol who will be embarrassing themselves in a traveling production of 'Joseph' by the time you read this. But all anyone really cared about was Lady Gaga singing her new is-it-or-isn't-it-a-single 'Edge of Glory.' (Sorry Beyonce, but you knew going in that you were gonna be upstaged - Girls don't run the world, Gaga does.)

The Ladylicious One treated the throngs of lowbrow-television fans to her usual spectacular, and following the pattern started by her literal live interpretation of 'Born This Way' (look, I'm coming out of an egg like I'm being born!), Gaga belted out her new jam while STANDING ON AN ACTUAL EDGE.

With her new album projected to sell 900,000 copies this week she really has no reason to be on the edge of anything, but in true Gaga fashion she still treated us to one of the COOLEST MOMENTS IN POP HISTORY at the 4:00 mark.

Remember kids - Gaga says suicide is awesome as long as you look hot, are wearing a hat, and millions of people see when you do it.

Boyband ahoy! The Wanted's new single is QUITE GOOD INDEED - listen to the premiere now!

not gay.

The Wanted are a bit of a strange thing.  They burst to superstardom after making it through what Wikipedia calls a "mass audition" (and which most everyone else probably calls a "casting couch situation") and quickly established themselves as an inexplicably credible musical force.

Their debut track 'All Time Low' is one of the more innovative tracks to come out of Britian in recent years - not because it pushes the envelope, but because it took all the then-current trends and mashed them together in an understated and classy way.  And that's the formula that has kept The Wanted on top with their subsequent singles as well - they're edgy and urban without featuring Pitbull for no reason, and they pull off the dubstep/eurotrance/ravey thing without it sounding like an on-trend cash-in.

Also they are REALLY REALLY HOT.

With one single off their sophomore album still riding high on the charts (it peaked at #3), it's time for the boys to chuck out the tune that will properly launch the forthcoming LP.  It has a totally-not-gay title of "Glad You Came" and is kind of what would happen if Jennifer Lopez's 'On The Floor' was a little less crass and was sung by a group of really sexy teenage boys.  In other words it is very very good.

Last night a thing happened that was amazing and this is a video of that thing - watch Britney and Nikki Minaj perform now!

"I don't feel real good, y'all"

So last night was the Billboard Awards or the Irrelevant Magazine World Cup or the CHARTS MEAN NOTHING NOW AND WE FEAR FOR OUR CAREERS ceremony or something.  It was basically one of those self-congratulatory crapfests where the people who were always obviously going to win won and the people who obviously weren't going to win didn't even show up, but the evening was notable for one thing.  And this is that thing:



No, Britney can't dance still, and no, Nikki Minaj is still nothing more than a big personality with kinda crap songs, but goddamn if that wasn't a blast to watch.

Beyonce's new video can 'Run The World' but it can't run the charts :(

I am not Shakira.

Beyonce hasn't had very many good B'Days lately, has she?

While former bandmate Kelly Rowland continues her ascent into the ranks of pop's elite, Beyonce has stumbled on...somewhat tougher times.  Anticipation was sky-high for the lead single from her new album '4,' which often leads to disappointment.  Especially when the single turns out to be a steaming heap of rabbit poo.

After landing with a resounding thud at #33 in the US and #18 in the UK, the video was delayed.  And then delayed again.  And then everyone forgot about it for a while and went out for a nice meal, and then they delayed it one more time.  But hark!  The day has arrived, o remaining three people who care!

Apparently determined to beat the apocalypse by AT LEAST ONE DAY, Beyonce has deigned to finally chuck the 'Girls' video onto the interwebs for all to see in its Pepsi-commercial-looking glory. 

It's epic, it's well done, she is "fierce" and "werk"-ing in it.  In fact, it's a very good video, if a little overblown (thanks, Lady Gaga for creating a world where EVERYTHING MUST BE A RIDICULOUS SPECTACULAR), but it's just such a shame that the song is so absolutely terrible.

Lady Gaga's album leaked yesterday and this is what it sounds like

I AM INSULATED AGAINST YOUR CRITICISMS

We (along with most everyone else who cares) heard Gaga's new album yesterday at the exact second it leaked, thanks to the wonders of the thing they call the internets.

To say expectations were high is a DRAMATIC UNDERSTATEMENT.  So how does it stack up to the lofty projections?  Let's take a look, shall we:

1.  There are 2 great songs, a couple good songs, some mediocre songs, and a bad song or two.
2.  Every song has a tempo change for NO REASON
3.  Every song has a speaking bit for NO REASON
4.  Every song is far less good than 'Bad Romance' but some are far better than 'Alejandro.'
5.  It's a bit preachy and up itself which should come as a surprise to absolutely no one.
6.  It is not the ALL-CONQUERING, GENRE DEFINING MASTERPIECE that Gaga thinks it is.
7.  It is not terrible but it is also not brilliant and is actually just an above-average pop album from an above-average pop star.  And from anyone else that would be good enough.

So there you have it.  There are some good bits and some bad bits and more than a couple cringey bits.  But it's still better than Nickelback.  So...at least there's that.

3 OUT OF 5 SCOPITONES

JoJo is back and is exactly like Robyn now apparently - listen to the ACTUALLY AMAZING 'The Other Chick' now

"My new song is very, very good."

The last time we wrote about JoJo she was swimming in an abyss of contract disputes and album delays, but somehow was still able to "accidentally leak" the rather phenomenal 'Forever In My Life.'  We raved about the song at great length, and lamented the fact that her career had stalled just at the point when she decided to be actually good. 

Well, it seems that JoJo's clouds are parting (Eds: that sounds gross, please change) because not only has her new track hit the interwebs, but it sounds VERY SIMILAR TO A SONG THAT COULD BE A NUMBER ONE SINGLE.  Let us examine the evidence supporting this conclusion:

1.  It sounds like Robyn
2.  It is a song by an artist who was once a child but is now NO LONGER A CHILD and accordingly it is grown up sounding but without being all up itself and snooty.
3.  It sounds like Robyn
4.  It is 80's but also NOW and also classic and timeless and will probably sound very good live.  (Note: call someone about making sure that this gets performed live)
5.  See numbers 1 and 3.

The Other Chick - JoJo (Final) by HDMI44

WELCOME THE F BACK.

Aqua's 'How R U Doin?' video is not terrible just like the song - watch now

Totally credible band.

Oh Aqua.  With your Casio beats and mousy vocals.  With your poetic lyrics and ridiculous Euro-raps.  Back in the day we were SUPER DUPER AWESOMELY CLOSE.  Besties even.  We would skip and laugh and play hopscotch and giggle about the cute boys who we were too scared to talk to, and shop and gossip and totally get our periods at the exact same time.  Nothing could touch us and no one could break us.  And then we grew up.

And in growing up, we grew apart.  Life wasn't so simple anymore.  You had some stuff going on, and we CERTAINLY HAD SOME STUFF GOING ON, and then we smoked a lot of salvia and fell in with the bad girls who hung out in the bathroom and swore a lot, while you were off doing your competitive cheerleading and experimenting with bulimia.  

But a few months ago we ran into you unexpectedly.  It was great to see you - it really was - but we kept it quick cause you were doing this whole tacky Christmas single thing and we really didn't want to bother you.  And also because the track was really shit and we didn't want to have to lie to you about it when you were like 'OMG HOW GREAT IS OUR NEW HOLIDAY SONG?'

Since then we've checked in with each other a couple times, and it's been really nice to be back in each others' lives,  especially now that you seem to be getting back on your feet. The new song you've done, 'How R U Doin,' is actually kind of listenable, and the video isn't as terrible as it very easily could have been.

I guess what we're trying to say is, we may never be super close again, and it's not like we'll ever go back to braiding each others' hair in our pjs, or stealing noserings from Claire's Accessories, but it's really great to see you doing so well, and next time you're in town we should totally grab coffee and catch up.

Unless you have a shit holiday single out.

Take That, new X-Men: listen to the new track from the film

Yes.  This happened.

Take That, the UK super-band who scored a single US hit back in 1996 with 'Back For Good,' have been one of the few acts to experience not one, but two meteoric rises.  They burst on the scene during the boyband heyday in the early 1990s, only to split up a few years later when "the fat one" Robbie Williams left to design handbags or something.

The group reformed, however, in 2006 (then sans Williams) and immediately snatched the title of "hottest group of singing DILFs around" which should be an actual award but is not. ( :-( )  They guys became so hot, in fact, that Williams rejoined the band in 2010, presumably after his handbag business folded.

Now, having firmly and homoerotically reclaimed their position at the top of the writhing heap of boybands, the reformed fivesome have been tapped to deliver the official song for this summer's X-Men: First Class movie.  It's basically a rip off of Muse, but it's got a nice chorus if you stick with it long enough, and we'll at least probably get to see the boys pretend to be superheroes in the video or something.

Take That - Love Love by zzmkl

Cascada are in 'San Francisco' in new video - watch the premiere now!

This was supposed to be an Ikea sideboard :-(

Cascada, that quintessentially Eurotrash dance outfit that keeps racking up hits for some reason, is back with their new single and it is kind of shockingly good.  They scored a worldwide smash with the Gaga rip-off 'Evacuate the Dancefloor,' but for their latest jam they've opted to rip off Katy Perry's 'California Gurls' instead.  Which we guess is appropriate, because CALIFORNIA IS WHERE SAN FRANCISCO IS.

Whereas 'Evacuate' relied on its inherent cheapness as a sort of novelty, 'San Francisco' is slick and polished and almost credible.  It's kind of like if a real pop act was singing a Cascada song.  In other words it is QUITE GOOD INDEED.

It is one of those songs that takes other parts of songs and repurposes them in a completely transparent way but still manages to come out the other side as a fully functional Frankenstein monster of a pop hit, and at the very least it should keep all the gays in booty shorts dancing on Fire Island this summer.  Which is super hard (read: NOT HARD) - the gays are notoriously discerning (read: NOT DISCERNING IN THE LEAST) as far as their dance music goes - because it's not like they'll make anything with a beat that is released between May and August into a hit (read: THEY WILL).

Whether 'San Francisco' can break out of the rooftop-in-the-city-summer-jam niche remains to be seen, but regardless it'll make a nice addition to any poolside playlist.



#DerivativeButStillGood

Listen to Lady Gaga's BRAND NEW SINGLE 'Edge of Glory' right now because it is AMAZING

"we are the same, you and I..."

We don't know just how we feel about new singles coming out literally minutes after the previous single's video debuts, but there's nothing we can do about that as it is JUST THE WORLD WE NOW LIVE IN, so whatever.  We do, however, know how we feel about Gaga's brand new track she just unveiled on the interwebs, called 'Edge Of Glory.'

WE FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT IT INDEED.

It's an amazing, teary, amazing song that sets the album up far better than either of the two prior singles, and might just win us back to her side if she plays her next few moves right and doesn't start preaching again.

MIGHT. 

Kelly Rowland's 'What A Feeling' video gives us quite the feeling

"...and now it's MY B'Day"

In a kind of insane twist of fate, this week finds Kelly Rowland's weeks-old U.S. single 'Motivation' sitting a full five spots above former bandmate Beyonce's one-week-old lead single 'Girls.'  Sure, 'Motivation' is only at #43 (while 'Girls' is languishing at #48) but to be completely fair that's about 100 places higher than either track deserves.  Because they are shit.

While Kelly's fans Stateside got the ironically de-motivational R&B turd, though, everywhere else is getting the far-superior 'What A Feeling,' which continues Miss Rowland's string of RATHER GOOD DANCE ANTHEMS.  It's already scaling the charts over in Europe, and it goes without saying that the gays are FIRMLY ON BOARD, so the only thing left for our Kelly to do is invest $12 in a video that no one will care about but will "get the job done."

And that's exactly what has happened, with somewhat surprisingly good results.

A few things to note:

1.  Even though this is a dance song, Kelly is still URBAN because there is GRAFFITTI
2.  Alex Gaudino looks like a douchebag and probably is
3.  Kelly can now dance rather well, and whoever she worked with needs to receive some sort of industry award because - as anyone who has seen Kelly do anything can attest to - THIS HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN THE CASE
4.  Seriously.  Douchebag.



"VERY GOOD"

Oh look it's LADY GAGA'S JUDAS VIDEO

...as you do.

Lady Gaga has a song out and it is called 'Judas' and she has done a video for it.  Some of it is in black and white and some of it is in color, and some of it is in black and white and color all at the same time.  There are bikes and boobs and also some dancing, but mostly there are weird religious overtones and Lady Gaga looking ACTUALLY HOT.

It is what people tend to call "VERY GOOD" and almost makes up for how "meh" the song is.  But not quite.


EDIT: FIXED VIDEO - it should work until the interweb police find it again :(
EDIT 2:  You can watch the video HERE (for now)

Frankmusik's new video featuring Far East Movement is VERY GOOD in a boring Vegas-y kind of way

"My snake is huge and has a taste for hairy creatures"

Frankmusik has a weirdly sexy name, which is fitting because he's a weirdly sexy guy.  He also does weirdly sexy music, and accordingly hasn't found much mainstream success as yet, because people like "weird" and they like "sexy" but don't often like "weirdly sexy" unless it's a blue alien in "Avatar" with big boobs.

Frank's (we call him Frank) new single, 'Do It In The AM' is looking to change that, though - it features Far East Movement, who have scored two recent US top ten hits, which is probably why the track has been launched in the US rather than Frankmusik's native UK.  It's also probably why the video is all desert-y and sort of Vegas/Southwest themed - something that the Brits don't really connect much with, in the same way that they don't connect with Wal*Marts or skin that tans. 

To be honest we don't connect much with a lot of the video's imagery either, but we do connect with LINGERING CLOSEUPS OF DELICIOUS-LOOKING CHILI DOGS, so this video gets a pass from us and then some. 

The song isn't half bad either - it's not as electro-wacky as 'Better Off As Two,' but to be fair that's probably on purpose. 

It'll certainly be interesting to see where the whole Frankmusik thing goes next after this, especially if the track achieves any sort of success Stateside (IT WON'T), and actually it will probably be just as interesting to watch if the song flops (IT WILL).

Regardless of how 'Do It In The AM' does, though, we still totally would let Frank (we call him Frank, remember) do pretty much whatever he wanted to us in the AM.  Or the PM...

J.Lo says 'I'm Into You' - watch the video premiere now!

"To the craft services table, Jeeves.  Princess style."

It wasn't too long ago that we looked upon J.Lo with the kind of disgusted empathy that rich people direct toward the homeless wretches who huddle in their helicopter garages.  Jenny was back on the block, down on her luck, and the world had largely turned its back on her.  But wasn't it SOMEWHAT her own damn fault for like, having kids and a life and stuff?

The answer to that question is of course yes.

Or no or something.

Anyway her music was really shit for a while and that was probably the biggest problem, to be honest. Look at Britney - the girl doubled her body weight, forgot how to dance, married a stupider version of Vanilla Ice, and still topped the charts because HER MUSIC WAS SICK.  J.Ho on the other hand just kind of....went away for a while and every so often yakked up a tuneless cowpie of a record for no reason.

Well, the past is the past and JENNIFER THE CELEBRITY is certainly back on her game - American Idol, Most Beautiful Person, chart-topping success... but unfortunately JENNIFER THE MUSICIAN is not.  'I'm Into You' may have a sexy (BOOBS) and arty (BLACK AND WHITE) video to go with it, but no amount of "uncensored director's cut" horniness can polish this turd.

But it's ok.  She's still pretty.

Hayden Panettiere is trying the music thing again - watch 'I Can Do It Alone' now!

"my new single has THIS much chance of being a hit"

We love Hayden Panettiere, and not just because she's the best thing about the already-good "Scream 4."  We love her because she played an underage slut on "Law and Order" too.  And cause she's pretty.  And also because she is super talented in a huge number of ways. But mostly for the slut thing. 

Anyhoodle, one of the ways she's talented is - rather unexpectedly - vocally.  Her brief foray into pop back in 2008 hardly set the charts afire (her debut single 'Wake Up Call' reached....#108), but that hasn't deterred Miss P from soldiering on as if she can be hot, an actress, and also have a singing career.  So basically like J.Lo but better, because she isn't J.Lo.

Of course this doesn't mean she's shirking her actress responsibilities, though - Hayden is currently doing double duty on the Box Office charts - she stars in the above mentioned "Scream" (which is amazing - go see it now because it is NOT DOING VERY WELL and we would quite like another sequel to happen) and she also voices a lead character in this week's flop-tastic "Hoodwinked 2" (which, conversely to "Scream" is probably crap and you should NOT go see it, or else there will be another sequel which will undoubtedly also be terrible).

For the latter film, Miss Panettiere has recorded her VERY NICE VOCALS over a NOT VERY NICE little tune. It's on the soundtrack or something, as is often the case with songs from films, but it presumably will also be released as a single.  Which is probably more practical since it certainly isn't worth buying an album for.  :(



Not terrible but come on, let's try a bit harder shall we, HP?