The New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys single should have been crap but is not - listen now

bukkake

This was all supposed to happen quite differently.  The debut single from the Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block collaboration (called, kind of amazingly, NKOTBSB) should have been some schlocky ballad with a part where the music drops out and one of them (read: the ugly one) starts talking about how he LOVES YOU, BABYGIRL.

But that didn't happen.  No.  Instead, the 9-some's handlers have thrown together a quite-serviceable pop jam a bit like a cheap version of Katy's 'Teenage Dream' but with more latent homosexual urges and shittier production.

UK fans will notice a distinct similarity to British group The Wanted's 'Lose My Mind,' which somehow landed on ScopiSat's top ten of 2010.  The boyband thing is still going strong over there across the pond, and NKOTBSB is banking on the same sound to revive the format here in the States. 

Apparently it's kind of working, since 'Don't Turn Out The Lights' is flying up the iTunes charts.  And the sad thing is, we don't mind a damn bit.

Kelly Rowland polishes a turd with her 'Motivation' video - watch now!

Yes we can.

Kelly Rowland is apparently taking a two-pronged approach to achieve complete dominance of the b-list of music celebrities.  She's won over the gays repeatedly, but with a couple good dance jams that's not hard to do.  Her 'Commander' and 'When Love Takes Over' ensured she'll be a Pride-float mainstay for years, but mainstream success has so far largely eluded her.

K-Ro is hoping her new song will change that.  It's called 'Motivation,' and it is slow and sultry and also not very good.  The first problem with the track is that it is tuneless and a bit boring, but the most damning aspect of it is that it features Lil' Wayne.

So what's a girl to do when her BIG AMERICAN COMEBACK SONG is kind of awful?  Why, make a sexy video for it, of course.  In this day and age the number of listeners a song has is pretty irrelevant to its success anyway.  So when thousands of 14 year old boys click on Rowland's Youtube link, grab their dirty sweatsocks and lock themselves in their rooms for 4 minutes, everybody wins and Kelly gets to notch up another sort-of-hit.

So what is this super-sultry video like then?  Let's take a chronological look at some key points:

1.  Boobs - good
2.  Boobs - good
3.  Boobs - good
4.  BOOBS - very good
5.  No boobs - bad
6.  Boobs - good
7.  Lil' Wayne - VERY BAD
7.  Non-stop hip-thrusting for an extended period - excellent
8.  Boobs - good

So 6 out of 8 - which translates to a solid 3 out of 4 (MATH!!) but that only applies if the volume is turned down.  Because no matter how perky or lubed up they are, no amount of boobs can make up for Lil' Wayne rapping.



"Werk."

It's the Britpocalypse in the Britney vid for 'Til The Wolrd Ends' - watch the video now!

I can't get up, y'all

Britney can't dance anymore.  She just can't.  Whatever happened when she shaved her head and popped two kids out of her Spearsness just annihilated that special spark inside her that allowed her to dance like a super talented stripper with daddy issues.  With each of her live performances, her newly acquired ineptitude at moving her body becomes more and more apparent, and we're just about to the "acceptance" stage in the timeline of THE SEVEN STAGES OF ACCEPTING THAT A POP DIVA HAS LOST HER TALENT which is approximately where we were at with Whitney before she "forgot to modulate" at her Central Park concert.

But take heart, ScopiSubjects, because we live in a world where even though your ONE ACTUAL TALENT is gone, you can still make some rather amazing records, and a few really good videos to boot.

Case in point - Brit's new preview video of 'Til The World Ends,' which is all THINGS EXPLODING and NAKED PEOPLE and DANCING NAKED PEOPLE EXPLODING and also Britney flailing about lazily like a dying fish.

It's only 30 seconds long, but this preview alone is better than half the videos that are chucked out these days.  We're sure it'll be weighed down with product-placement and probably have a point somewhere in the middle where the music stops and they let Britney speak for some reason, but in whole it will likely still be AMAZING and we are very much looking forward to it.

EDIT: IT IS GOOD.

Natalia Kills is in a 'Wonderland' - watch the premiere now!

"do I have something on my face?"

Ok so Natalia Kills is kind of useless in terms of where she fits in on the music landscape, but that doesn't mean she's not good.  Yeah she sounds like Rihanna and looks like what would happen if Katy Perry grew a penis and impregnated Lily Allen, but beneath all the similarities to every major pop act out there right now beats the heart of a pretty great performer.

Likewise, her new jam 'Wonderland' sounds like an amalgamation of a number of current or recent hits but actually boils down to what would happen if 'Disburbia' was ACTUALLY BETTER.  Which leads us to the up-until-now-unlikely conclusion that Miss Kills might pull this whole thing off after all.  And if she keeps putting out tunes like this we certainly hope she does. 

As for the video, well, just watch for yourself.  But we will say that if we ever wake up screaming in a pool of our own pee it will probably be because of those goddamned rabbit masks.



"TERRIFYING BUT ALSO GOOD"

Sky Ferreira cries '99 Tears' - watch the lyrics video premiere now!!

I whip my hair back and forth

Sky Ferreira:  Can I have some tears please?

Tear Dispensery Associate:  Yes, how many would you like?

Sky Ferreira:  Well my first few singles didn't really take off like everyone thought they would, so probably quite a few.

Tear Dispensery Associate: Oh dear.  Well how badly did they do?

Sky Ferreira:  So bad I can't even make a real video for my next single.  I have to do a "lyrics" video.  Which sucks because the song is ACTUALLY AMAZING in an 80's THROWDOWN STOMPFEST kind of way.

Tear Dispensery Associate: What is a "lyrics" video?

Sky Ferreira:  That's where the record company is super cheap and so they pay an unemployed UC Santa Barbara grad whose parents let him major in Communications because they don't love him to press some buttons on his Macbook Pro and throw together a clip that flashes the words to the song up on the screen as they are sung.

Tear Dispensery Associate:  That sounds awful.  How about 99 tears.

Sky Ferreira:   99 it is.

And now the Katy perry video - watch the premiere now!

This is what Russell Brand sees

Following on from our earlier post that had nothing to do with Katy Perry, here is a post COMPLETELY ABOUT KATY PERRY.

Apparently she has a new video or something, for a thing called 'E.T' and it is KIND OF AMAZING in spite of featuring Kanye West.


Here it is:



And there it was.

In anticipation of the new Katy Perry, CockNBullKid has an 'Asthma Attack' in new video - watch now!

"my career plan is finally coming to...fruition."

Yes, we know you're all waiting for the Katy Perry video that premieres at noon, but in the meantime we thought we'd point out that a VERY GOOD SONG by a VERY GOOD ARTIST got a VERY GOOD VIDEO and has just come out. 

It is called 'Asthma Attack,' and it is by CockNBullKid, an act (a girl) that has been on "the blogs'" up-and-coming lists for what seems like ages now.  And with good reason, it seems, as 'Asthma' is a delightful slice of Britpop with a nod back to that genre's golden age of Blur and all the other acts that weren't as good as Blur but sounded kind of similar.

So here it is, a really good track without a lot of bells and whistles, but one that is ultimately more satisfying than most any Katy Perry track.  Now, for another hour and twenty minutes, until 'E.T.' comes down from the heavens and distracts us with its insanely-budgeted Kanye West-ness, we can all sit back, relax, forget all about KP for just a moment, and enjoy this hidden gem.




"QUITE DECENT"

Britney does ok on Good Morning America - watch now plus new tour plans!!

...and this is how I got my record deal

Britney Spears is super gung-ho for her new 'Femme Fatale' album project, what with some "surprise" (read: NOT SURPRISING) performances in Vegas over the weekend and then a stop by the Today Show this week. With her two singles out before the album and endless promotion, Brit's a great example of the NEW MUSIC MARKETING MODEL which equates to about 14 singles released a week-and-a-half apart from each other, and some sort of "Canis - Perfume For Dogs" tie in or something ridiculous, just to ensure a healthy chart debut based on moving a quarter of the units a blockbuster album would have shifted a few years ago.  So yeah, the industry is in a great place right now.

Anyway, Brit's been tirelessly slogging her tracks for anyone who will listen, despite the fact (or perhaps BECAUSE of the fact) that 'Til The World Ends' faceplanted into the top 40 gutter after only a couple weeks.  We're sure that the whole album leaking didn't help matters, but still. A single falling from #9 to #23 the week before its parent album comes out is never a good sign.

Having said that, Miss Spears is sure to be #1 this week, but it will be interesting to see how many copies she sells.  It's a brilliant dance record, sure, but are we the only ones that think these live performances leave something to be desired?  Lip syncing worked when her EPIC DANCING distracted us.  But post-breakdown Brit never really regained her dancing mojo and watching her these days we can't help feeling a little bit....bored. 

We'd like - just once - to hear BS actually sing.  It's not like anyone is expecting a lot out of a BRITNEY LIVE VOCAL, so she has a pretty low bar to reach anyway. With her JUST-ANNOUNCED plans to tour this year with Enrique Iglesias, perhaps he can give her some lessons.