A picture of a popstar trying to look like a popstar
Apparently Taio Cruz has been hanging out at the Christina Aguilera School Of Over-singing lately, because his cover of John Lennon's 'Imagine' is kind of a mess. Rather than pump up the backing instrumentation into something unique and interesting, Taio - whose output we usually love - has instead decided to do some DEFCON-1 VOCAL GYMNASTICS over a cookie-cutter piano-and-string karaoke track.
We totally understand the urge to "make the song your own," but the way to do that isn't by creating the EXACT SAME melismatic nightmare of runs and whoops that every other "listen to how well I can sing" singer chucks out.
The shocking thing about this is not that former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter has a song. Rather, it's that Nick Carter has a song that is ACTUALLY VERY GOOD. We're genuinely taken aback that it is not some faux R&B shit-hop mess, and as a result of our shock we really don't have a lot to say about it.
So here's the video for it - a slightly-out-of-focus 'artsy' thing that is adequate at least and good at best, but does accomplish the important feat of showing us that Nick is no longer fat.
There are a lot of top 10 lists at the end of each year. It can be difficult to decide which one to rely on as GOSPEL TRUTH - a problem which inevitably leads to new-year depression and shame-sex. Luckily, though, ScopiSat has the solution to this very real social malady: just use ours.
CRISIS AVERTED. And now you have to blame your shame-sex on something else.
So here we go - the details: we've limited the applicant pool to those songs that were released as singles (although who the hell knows what that even means anymore) during the 2010 calendar year, and which placed in the official singles chart in either the UK (Official top 75), the US (on the Billboard Hot 100, Pop or Dance charts) or Europe (Billboard top 100 aggregated from all European charts, including Germany, UK, Spain, etc.). Our list order was determined by a host of hazy criteria, starting with the number of plays each track received on ScopiSat's iTunes and iPod but also taking into account some boring things like sales and charts and "artistic accomplishment."
Really, all you need to know is that these are all songs from 2010 that WE VERY MUCH LIKE and accordingly, must be QUITE GOOD INDEED.
Anyhoodle, enough with all that - you're here to lazily browse an article written at an 8th grade level, and far be it from us to delay your gratification. So without further ado...
THE TOP 10 OF '10
10. Dancing On My Own - Robyn (UK: #8, US Dance: #3)
Robyn really came into her own in 2010. She was all but written off after her brief but intense stint as a BIG POP STAR back in the 90s, and only began to return to prominence with her 2007 UK and European hits 'With Every Heartbeat' and 'Be Mine!'. It wasn't until this year, however, that the whole world came (back) under her spell. The song that kicked it all off, 'Dancing On My Own,' was, for the unindoctrinated, the ideal introduction to the star's downtrodden but still somehow uplifting beats, and yet managed to stay completely true to what her die hard fans expected. This year it might have been often imitated (yeah, we called you out, Alesha), but at the end of the day 'Dancing' is still the absolute epitome of "weeping at the disco" pop, and ain't nobody can cry into an appletini like our girl Robyn.
09. I Like It - Enrique Iglesias (US: #4, UK: #4, EU: #4)
Our number nine pick is another comeback of sorts. Enrique Iglesias' career fell completely off right about the same time his mole did, so he did what any sensible Latin act would do - he went back to his roots and chucked out some Spanish-language hits. By all accounts those releases were pretty successful, but in the English-speaking world he faded into the collective memory as a relic of the early-2000's Latin Invasion along with...well, pretty much everyone else connected to that whole thing. Then something really strange happened. And no, we're not talking about him waterskiing naked. We're talking about him, years after fading from relevance completely, pulling an ACTUAL POP GEM out of his tight little ass and flinging it to the top of the charts. 'I Like It' is an autotuned Frankenstein combination of pop cheese, sceney credibility, and even a rap by Pitbull....you know, for the kids. Add in a video featuring the Jersey Shore cast (we're looking at you, Vinny...with your big muscles and pouty lips...) and you have a perfect pop culture storm. Way to go Enrique. And seriously: Vinny.... you can call us. Any time.
08. My Wicked Heart - Diana Vickers (UK: #13)
Since losing the X-Factor in 2008, Diana Vickers has become somewhat of a musical genius, churning out tunes that are both inventive and credible, and also relatively commercially successful. Her #1 debut track 'Once' is 4 minutes of unique, personality-driven pure genius, and barely missed the cut for this chart itself. 'My Wicked Heart,' released as her third single/launch of her debut album re-release, took the quirk factor and dialed it up to 11, and in the process eclipsed all her other tunes to become one of our favorite jams of the year. It's one of those songs that is both challenging and familiar, and in this age of cookie-cutter Gaga rip-offs is a true breath of fresh air. The video's fun and stuff, but nothing to write home about - the real way to enjoy this baby is to strap on some headphones, close your eyes, and let the song take you to whatever weird-ass place it came from.
07. Wonderful Life - Hurts (UK: #21, EU#10, US )
Not too long ago, Hurts were the up-and-coming band to watch according to "the blogs" and "the critics" and a couple people on Twitter with too much time on their hands. Then they were sort of cool among annoying hipsters and "Pitchfork-is-the-Bible" types and then the hipsters got high and forgot they existed and then all of a sudden everyone loved them and they had an actual hit for some reason. 'Wonderful Life' is that hit, and it is very good. We've chosen to post the Freemasons mix of the track - not because the original is bad, but because the remix is equally as delightful and essentially was the "official radio version" for much of the song's chart campaign because while people do like to cry and be melancholy, a far greater number of people like to cry and be melancholy while DANCING.
06. One - Sky Ferriera (UK: #64)
This baby just barely satisfied our entry criteria (it eked out one week in the UK official top 75) but we are super glad it did because otherwise we'd have to change the rules completely so that it could be included and that's just a hassle for everyone involved. Though 'One' barely charted upon release in the UK, it is universally revered as a masterpiece of pop by all fourteen people lucky enough to have heard it. The song has the notable advantage of being accompanied by one of the best music videos since the medium's 80's heyday, but even sans visuals it stands up as its own work of art. It has soaring synths and addictive riffs, and while 'One' didn't set the charts on fire, it certainly made us VERY EAGER to hear what this girl has in store for us when her album is released on 1-11-11.
05. Lose My Mind - The Wanted (UK: #9)
Every so often, a song comes along that dares you to not love it. 'Lose My Mind' is that kind of song, and considering its source - a wet-behind-the-ears British boyband, that's a bit surprising. It has a lazy verse that draws the listener in, only to blindside their ears with a killer chorus before anyone knows what's happening. It kind of musically roofies you - coaxing you into a state of delightful, hazy calm until BAM you wake up in an Arizona State frathouse bunkbed and can't find your Umbro shorts you wore for the previous night's "Bros-only" Twister party that ended up just being you and that guy who said his name was Tony and his "cousin" who was like 40 and bought you beer.... Anyhow, while easily more than half of this track's appeal is its production, every note and transition is mixed to poptastic perfection. The group's other songs aren't half bad, of course, but this jam really rises to the occasion. We have a feeling that 'Lose My Mind' will go down as The Wanted's equivalent to N*Sync's 'Pop' - a glorious standout amongst an above-average catalog that will never be matched, mostly due to the fact that one of the greedy douches in the band will go solo and RUIN EVERYTHING before the group has a chance to try.
04. On A Mission - Gabriella Cilmi (UK: #9, AUS: #16)
Gabriella Cilmi, who made a name for herself with worldwide hit 'Sweet About Me,' returned this year with her sophomore album and its lead single 'On A Mission.' And on a mission she certainly was. Abandoning the laid-back jazzy vibe of her first offerings, Gabriella jumped, Cinderella-style, into the sparkly glass slipper of a bona fide pop diva, and the whole world watched as she fit into it perfectly. It's synthy and 80's and boasts an anthemic chorus, and coupled with her booming voice and banging body, this track certainly gets its 'Mission' accomplished.
The most successful of all the songs on our list, 'Dynamite' was pretty much inescapable this year - and for very good reason. The track managed to cross nearly every musical boundary, showing up on R&B stations, top 40 playlists and AC compilations - and miraculously didn't drive everyone crazy in the process. It is one of those rare songs that everyone in the world can sing along to, and not feel like a sell-out or scenester while doing it. This jam is just a fun slice of musical heaven, mixing urban elements with straight-up pop in a sundae of gooey goodness that does many things - not least of all reminds us just how much better we can all do than the goddamned Black Eyed Peas.
02. Satellite - Lena (EU: #1, UK: #30)
After winning the Eurovision Song Contest with our number two jam, 19 year old Lena - previously an unknown German schoolgirl - was rocketed into superstardom on the back of one of the most enduring tracks in a great while. Some tracks rely on glitz or fancy production or flashy music videos, but even with none of those things on its side, 'Satellite' rose to the top of the heap by just being a damn good song. For her part, Lena, who at first appears to be an unlikely pop star, has a natural charisma that injects something really special into the song and elevates the whole thing from an adequately delicious glazed donut into an absolutely heavenly custard eclair that we have been more than happy to gorge on all year long.
01. All The Lovers - Kylie (UK: #3, EU: #4, US Dance: #1, US: #102)
That's right, kids, our number one single of the year is Kylie's 'All The Lovers.' A slow burner - both musically and commercially - the track launched K-Mo's 'Aphrodite' album to worldwide success, including a shockingly impressive top 20 debut on the Billboard 200 US album chart and number 1 placings all over the globe. The track hung around the British charts for months and eventually became her biggest selling single there since 2001's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head.' Even in the US the song kept chugging along, and is perched firmly as Billboard's 3rd biggest dance song of the entire year. Not content to just chuck out a brilliant tune, though, Kylie also gave us one of the most iconic videos of the year to boot, and we think it's safe to say the track owes at least a little of its success to a 50-story sex volcano, some well trained doves, and a giant goddamn floating white elephant.
So yes, here you have it. Our ten picks of 2010. Well done to you all, champagne all around, etc. Except for you, Lena. We all saw you make a drunken fool of yourself at Eurovision and we can't have any of that nonsense up in here even if it IS the holidays.
The SUPER HETEROSEXUAL Sam Sparro is back, and...well, not as good as before. But he's back, and there are probably a few people (his parents and other immediate family) who care.
He first burst onto the scene with CERTIFIED TUNE 'Black and Gold,' and then did absolutely nothing except release a crap follow-up track that flopped on its ass right out of the gate.
Cut to 2 years later, and Sam has decided that if he can't be a mainstream pop star, he'll do what every struggling pop act does in their darkest moments - go for the gays.
Sparro's new track, 'Pink Cloud' is an almost vocal-less dance ditty that throws in all sorts of 90's synths and riffs and is kind of fun but also completely forgettable. The video, on the other hand, is actually pretty alright - albeit in an art-school-project kind of way. There's a lot of paint, and faces, and painted faces, and some other things that are kind of cool but not really interesting enough to write about.
So yeah, here's the video.
Also, Sam is offering his full new EP for free download if you go to THIS LINK.
Y'all already know that it's a red letter day for ScopiSat whenever Kylie comes out with something new - hell, we'd probably buy tickets to watch her do a shit as long as there were some screen projections and hot dancers - and today is no exception.
K-mo is fast rivaling self-proclaimed Queen Of Christmas Mariah Carey in the "festive output" department this year, as after chucking out a brand new holiday song, 'Let It Snow', Kylie has GONE BACK IN TIME and given us a video for her old recording of 'Santa Baby' for some reason.
There are no bells and whistles except for a GROUNDBREAKING (read: not groundbreaking at all) kaleidoscope effect that we think came for free on our MacBook Pro. Sure, it's better than Mariah's disastrous 'Auld Sang Lyne' mess. But a three minutes of our grandmother singing 'The Time' would be better than that, so we suppose it's not the best measuring stick....
Long story short, it's Kylie sitting in a leotard by a tree and it is VERY GOOD.
Natalia Kills, the British recording lady whom US audiences may know from her recent gig opening for EFFING ROBYN, has a new song out.
It's ok.
Like, it's not terrible by any means. But it's also not particularly great. We went on a whole tangent a couple weeks back about how Jessie J's single sounds like the tuneless R&B garbage that littered the pop landscape a few years ago, when being "authentic" and "street" was more important than a hook, and while 'Activate My Heart' doesn't quite scrape that soul-destroying barrel, it's not a long way off either.
It's kind of like if Rihanna's 'Rated R' album was a little more boring and had a little less budget.
That's right ScopiSubjects, we're bringing back the feature where it all started (the feature that, coincidentally, gave us our name) with one of our favorite Scopitones.
Yes. Yes we're excited too.
Scopitones were the first real music videos, back in the 60's, but were produced on special film that could only be played in jukebox-like video machines that were set up in bars and bowling alleys and the like all over the world. Because that made them super practical.
Anyhoodle, the boxes were generally located in drinking establishments, so the videos were allowed to be racier than just about any other media at the time. Scopitones were wildly popular for a brief time (we think it was a week in January of '67) and almost all the biggest artists of the day recorded at least one. Eventually the format died out, but not before we were left with a treasure trove of ACTUAL MUSICAL GEMS, like this subtle and understated classic - maybe our favorite Scopitone of all time.
It has all the things you'd expect from a mid-century adult-themed pop video - sex, overt racism, overtly racist sex, and a giant spiderweb made of boating rope because, why not?
This particular Scopitone holds a special place in our heart, because it foretold nearly every music video device we take for granted, like the liberal use of boobs, the co-opting of religious imagery, and singing in a birdcage with some wings and shit stuck to you. So basically everything Miley has ever done.
Feast your eyes on Joi Lansing, as she gets caught in a 'Web Of Love'
Leighton Meester, who musically fornicated with Robin Thicke, slummed it with Cobra Starship, and chucked out some BONA FIDE CORKERS from her still-unreleased electropop debut album and then inexplicably forgot all about the fact that she could sing, is FINALLY back on the pop radar. It's just a bit....different than what we expected her next move to be.
Not so long ago, Miss Meester was poised to become the American Sophie Ellis-Bextor, with some top shelf jams and her already cemented fashion icon status. But alas, somehow the project got shelved, and she's been all quiet on the music front for quite some time.
From her new movie "Country Strong," 'Summer Girl' is a sort of post-Taylor Swift pop-country effort with those kind of lyrics that are so insipid that they almost become clever and the hooks that you just can't deny. It's certainly not bad, and oddly Leighton makes quite the convincing country chick.
We still love our Leighton electro, but in the meantime we'll take what we can get.
"Country Strong" gets its nationwide release January 8
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